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Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (February 15, 2008)

PALM SPRINGS AND OR BUST!

Dinah Shore weekend is just around the corner, and we’re finally ready to roll out our plans for the (completely free) AfterEllen.com AfterNoon on Saturday, April 5th, in the lounge at the Doral Hotel from 2:30 p.m. to whenever we feel like finishing (probably around 5 p.m.).

This year, our lineup will include Bridget McManus doing standup; improv comedy à la the Worst Date Stories performed by the WGN team plus Bridget, Cathy DeBuono, Michelle Paradise and Marnie Alton; and the filming of a scene from 3Way, with an AfterEllen.com reader in a walk-on role.

The focus of the improv will be Worst/Funniest Dinah Shore Stories as submitted by AfterEllen.com readers by April 1st. If you’ve never been to Dinah, just give us your Worst/Funniest Experience at a lesbian party or bar. The twist? Lori and I, along with Come With Me if You Want to Live vloggers Jenn and Dee, will judge each performance – for no particular reason except we like to judge people.

Finally, to win a walk-on role on 3Way, you need to (a) be over 21; (b) plan to attend our event at Dinah; and (c) tell us about your weirdest/funniest/worst living situation by March 15th. We’ll pick a winner and notify you two weeks before the Dinah weekend.

And for the rest of you: We’ll be videotaping everything that moves to put up on the site afterward, so don’t worry, you won’t miss anything!

LESBIAN QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“I played a lesbian prostitute in the TV series Band of Gold but I think my following really grew when I played one in the film Imagine Me & You, with Piper Perabo. I’d worked with Piper before, on the movie The Cave, so it was quite weird when we had to snog each other in the film. We just looked at each other and went: ‘Shall we just go for it?’ And we did.”

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles star Lena Headey to Britain’s Daily Mail

RACHEL WEISZ IN A BLACK LEATHER JACKET? SHE MUST BE GAY/BI!

AfterElton.com‘s Brian Juergens went to a screening of the new movie Definitely, Maybe this week and tipped me off to a lesbian subplot that is (not surprisingly) absent from the trailer. The romantic comedy is about a 30-something man (Ryan Reynolds) with a young daughter trying to choose between three women in his past: his current wife (Elizabeth Banks) and two others who got away (Rachel Weisz and Isla Fisher).

I won’t give away the ending, but this is the setup: Reynolds’ character discovers that his wife (Banks) once had an affair with Weisz’s character. He’s apparently not too bothered by this, because he still proposes to Banks’ character (she declines), then dates Weisz, and when that falls through, ends up marrying Banks anyway when Weisz reintroduces them years later as a “former lover.” Which brings him to where he is today: still torn between three women.

Which woman will he end up with? I don’t really care.

What I do care about is that according to Brian, even though there aren’t any actual scenes of the affair between Weisz and Banks (there’s a bit of steamy diary reading, but that’s it), “no one reacts with any horror or shame or anything about the romance, it just was what it was.”

Now that is definitely, maybe, some on-screen progress.

MTV RAISES THE REALITY TV BAR ONCE AGAIN

Last August we reported that Brooke LaBarbera from The Real World: Denver (2006), who was super heterosexual on the show, had come out as bisexual and was reportedly dating out lesbian contestant Ev Smith.

Seven months later, they were clearly still together on the new season of MTV’s reality competition The Gauntlet 3, which debuted in January and also included newly out lesbian Coral Smith among the contestants. They shared an on-camera kiss in the pool one evening:

And another one when Brooke got booted in the last episode:

Unfortunately for Ev, Brooke’s parting comments to the camera were: “Evelyn loved me. It gives me hope that in the future [that] I can find that with a man.”

The she hooked up with Ev’s ex-girlfriend.

What a winner!

ERIN FOLEY ON TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM

Watching the Celesbian Interview with Erin Foley, I realized I only had seen her as a supporting character in the hilarious Ilene Chaiken parody (that “hello, Mountain Lion” line still gets me every time). So I did some digging and found some of her stand-up, including this funny clip about the demise of the first lesbian marriage, and whether spelling bees count as a sport:

How do we live in a world where The Kardashians have their own TV show, and Erin Foley doesn’t? I’m just sayin’.

CASHMERE COP-OUT

If I had a nickel for every time I’ve written “it started off so promisingly” in this column over the last four years, I might finally be able to give Karman a raise.

Unfortunately, I have to write it again, this time about ABC’s Cashmere Mafia, which debuted in January with a good premise, a great lesbian/bi character, and a potentially interesting relationship … and then went to lesbian hell in a hand basket faster than you can say “heterosexual double standard.”

I’ve kept you all updated on what my sources have told me about Caitlin’s story line on the series, and everything I’ve been told has come to pass. I knew Caitlin was going to sleep with a guy one more time, that Caitlin and Alicia were going to break up eventually because Alicia got back together with her ex, but that Caitlin was going to stay gay. (Or bi. At any rate, not straight.)

What I didn’t know was how much of Caitlin’s story line was going to get whittled down to only that – that she would get far less screen time than the other characters, and while the other women juggled work, family and relationships, Caitlin would only juggle – or more correctly, bungle – a relationship that quickly became bogged down in stereotypes and hypocrisy.

While the other characters were routinely seen in bed or being affectionate with their boyfriends/husbands/one-night stands, Caitlin and Alicia never shared more than a kiss on-screen (and then only three times). While Juliet, Zoe and Mia got nuanced relationships and semi-realistic workplace drama, Caitlin got a cartoonish lesbian bridal shower, a sonogram and dumped. All in only three minutes per week over six episodes.

Caitlin has become, in effect, the Original Cindy of Cashmere Mafia: a funny, endearing and memorable supporting character who is clearly there just to provide diversity and support for the lead characters. And that’s so seven years ago.

If the show gets renewed after its season finale next week – and that’s a big “if” considering how poor the ratings have been – I’d watch it again next fall only because of Bonnie Somerville‘s brilliant performance, and because I like the other characters.

But the lesbian story line? If you can’t do it right, please, Mafia writers, just put it – and us – out of our misery already!

BECAUSE WE’RE ATTRACTED TO THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION, NOT THE PERSON

Australia’s newest MTV VJ, 21-year-old Ruby Rose, recently came out as bisexual after a local weekend gossip columnist reported overhearing her talking openly about her attraction to women at a high-profile social function.

“I just can’t believe people are so interested in that,” she told Australian Age when the news broke, explaining, “I’m a human being and I love people – I think some guys are hot and some girls are hot.”

Rose, who has dated women before, then gave the usual I’m-attracted-to-the-person-not-the-gender mantra (which I object to only on the basis of its unoriginality, not its meaning), and then proved why she’s made to be an MTV VJ by saying, “I guess it’s a bit like fashion, you just know when you like something, irrespective of the brand.”

Come to think of it, being gay/bi is a little like fashion: One day you’re in, the next day you’re out. Welcome to the club, Ruby!

IT MUST BE SOMETHING IN THE PAELLA

Is it just me or is there new lesbian content coming out of Spain every other week? AE reader Rogue tipped me off to the new film ?ôscar: The Color of Destiny, debuting in Spain on Feb. 22, which is summarized on IMDb as “a revealing portrayal of a forgotten icon of French Surrealism: Spanish painter ?ôscar Domínguez, contemporary of Picasso. The film rediscovers the life of a talented artist who was ignored after he committed suicide, fifty years ago, victim of a serious illness which had disfigured his body: the Elephant Man’s disease. The film is stirring and touching and compels admiration for the bohemian painter whose fate was self-destruction, after a wild crazy life.”

Sounds poignant and touching. But more importantly, it features Emma Suárez and Victoria Abril in a lesbian subplot!

Set in 1957, Suárez plays Eva, an aggressive, modern executive who is bisexual, and Abril plays her best friend, Ana, who is married to a man. They go on a mysterious journey to find the last painting by ?ôscar Domínguez (Joaquim de Almeida) in Paris, and somehow end up romantically entangled. (Paris will do that to you.)

The kiss is reportedly being promoted all over the national media in Spain. If you can read Spanish, learn more about it on Rogue’s blog here, and for you English readers, we’ll update you on AfterEllen.com if/when the film debuts in America.

BECAUSE KT TUNSTALL’S “SUDDENLY I SEE (WHY THE HELL HILLARY MEANS SO MUCH TO ME)” WAS JUST TOO LONG

AE readers CanonGirl and Pat tipped me off to out singer Sophie B. Hawkins‘ ode to Hillary Clinton, “Damn! We Wish You Were Our President,” a remake of her 1992 hit song “Damn! I Wish I Was Your Lover.”

Hmm … loved the original song. Not so sure about this version.

Meanwhile, there’s reportedly a movement in Hawaii to get Amy Winehouse to do a pro-Barack Obama remake of “Tiny Bubbles.”

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP PLASTIC MODEL. BUT I REPEAT MYSELF.

Tyra’s never-ending quest for global domination has taken a new form: America’s Next Top Model dolls! These 12-inch posable fashion dolls come with jewelry, two outfits, two pairs of shoes, a purse, hairbrush and compact. (Unrealistic expectations sold separately.)

The million-dollar question, of course, is which one is the gay one?

I’d have to say Sienna (far left) is the strongest contender, since (a) only white girls are allowed to be openly gay or bisexual on Top Model, which rules out Sidney (far right); and (b) no self-respecting lesbian or bi woman would let herself be named “Paisley.”

NOW IF ONLY THEY’D SPOOF LEISHA’S YOPLAIT COMMERCIALS, TOO …

The second season of The Big Gay Sketch Show debuted on Logo (AfterEllen.com’s parent company) recently, and while I wasn’t wild about the second episode, the first one was downright hilarious. Especially the sketch of Kate McKinnon spoofing those Sally Field Boniva commercials. (I love the narrator’s line at the end about “dialing it down a notch.”)

And then there’s Julie and Kate doing a lesbian bar sketch, in which Julie coins my favorite new phrase, “wrist-cuffy.”

I love those two. And Kate reminds me of one of my ex-girlfriends. I just wish I could remember which one….

MY SUPERHERO GIRLFRIEND CAN BEAT UP YOUR SUPERHERO GIRLFRIEND

AE reader Traveler tipped us off to this cool gay-friendly quiz that tells you which female superhero you should date, complete with a very funny tagline.

I took the quiz, and who was I paired with? Psylocke, a mutant from the X-Men series with telepathic and telekinetic powers, whose occupation is listed as, “Adventurer, Ninja, Heiress, Multi-Millionaire, Assassin, fashion model.”

Yes, I know she looks and sounds suspiciously like Lori, but … well … OK, I guess the jig is up! Lori’s a businesswoman by day, and a telepathic mutant/ninja/assassin/fashion model by night.

What can I say, I like a woman with layers.

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS

Brunch With Bridget. Valentine’s Day episode. This Sunday morning. Any questions?

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

Ellen DeGeneres and Jodie Foster were both winners in AfterElton.com’s Gay People’s Choice Awards.

LGBT comics organization Prism Comics has announced its lineup of events at WonderCon 2008, held next weekend in San Francisco.

Kristanna Loken‘s indie movie Lime Salted Love is premiering at the New York Film and Video Festival on March 1, and it apparently has lesbians in it.

Showtime president Bob Greenblatt said at a recent panel that ratings for The L Word are up 20 percent this year. He did not say whether the series had been renewed.

3Way is having a wallpaper contest. Get cracking, all you mad photoshopping lesbians!

As you’ve probably noticed, Lori and I have yet to resume our weekly video blogs, She Made Me Watch This! and Who Thought THAT Was a Good Idea? Unfortunately, Lori’s been detained in Alaska on an assassination assignment helping her mom move for several weeks longer than we initially planned, but I hope to have her back by the end of February, which means new vlog episodes would go up in early March. Sorry for the long hiatus!

That’s it for this week! Got the inside scoop on a hot new lesbian/bi actor/musician/TV show/film? Tell us at [email protected]. Check back next Friday for another edition of Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever.

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