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AfterEllen.com’s Gift Guide for the Gay Woman 2012

Dear readers, for the last two years we’ve had a lot of fun putting together a comprehensive gift guide for the gay women in your life. Perhaps you’ve purchased something or it’s given you an idea for your own Christmas list. Whatever use you have for it, we like to get into the holiday spirit by kicking off Black Friday with the best of them. But what we really want to encourage now, more than ever, is for you to support lesbian and women-owned businesses. If you’re buying someone a book or stationary, try your local feminist book store instead of Barnes and Noble. Looking for some sexy underwear that you’ll enjoy as much as your partner will? Skip Victoria’s Secret and buy from Sloane & Tate. Want a hip scarf? Out Fashion Star designer Kara Laricks has one that is also benefitting Hurricane Sandy victims. There are so many that can provide you the same if not better products and service this holiday season, we hope you’ll be loyal patrons this year.

We won’t mind if you steal some of these items from our guide and buy them for the naughty or nice girls on your list.

Pop Culture Lesbian

Pop Culture nerds come in all shapes, sizes and fan-fiction circles. Thankfully there is something for just about everybody out there and we no longer need to scour eBay for hours just to find it and eventually be outbid by someone more wealthy and ruthless. Whether the recipient of your gift is a regular at Comic-Con, loves whatever trends Urban Outfitters are selling on a given day or just really has a thing for Steve Buschemi, we’ve got you covered.

1. MunchStaches. There’s no telling how this trend got started but mustaches seem to be popping up everywhere and on everyone these days. Turn your geek into chic and then right back to geek again with these delicious MunchStaches. The set of cookie cutters (which can also be used as stampers) comes with five distinct mustachioed designs so that the mustache party never has to end. I will stop myself before the double entendres begin. ($11.49)

2. Pic Punch. For your music-loving friend who either collects guitar picks from concerts they’ve seen or actually uses them because they are badass guitar players, a handy pick-punch is a fun and, I would assume, economical gift that will last as long as your friend’s hobby or music career does. I haven’t tried this product out yet but I’d bet you could use it to punch pick-shaped things in other fun objects as well! Party on. ($25)

3. French directors coaster collection. Have you spent years looking for the perfect gift to get for that one film-loving, Francophile friend? I’ll bet she has tons of wine glasses but how about coasters? Give her the gift that will let her proudly display her superior taste in cinema while ensuring her furniture doesn’t lose its value from ugly condensation or spillage stains: The Favorite French Directors coaster collection. ($45)

4. Furby. For your pals who are parents with an evil side, Furby dolls are still around and are apparently still possessed by the devil (when the devil isn’t busy burning toast in this woman’s kitchen appliances). Since the creep factor is pretty high with this one, I have a good feeling the resell value of these little monsters will be worth big bucks 20 years from now. So remember: This isn’t just a gift; this is an investment. ($54)

5. Fangtasia sign. You don’t have to wait for the next season of True Blood to start before getting into Fangtasia thanks to this completely impractical, but still pretty awesome, miniature neon Fangtasia sign. ($89.99)

– Mia Jones

The Merry Mombian

There are enough mom gift guides out there to make you want to slam your head in a door. All of them assume that moms are totally obsessed with their kids, like frilly crap, or wear jewelry. We know that not every gay mom feels that way (although plenty do, so know your audience). Here are a few ideas for the gay mom in your life. Know what kids come with? Tons and tons of stuff and at some point during every trip out of the house they are going to ask you to carry it because they are kids and by some miracle their arms never work outside the home. So why not give the mom in your life a great bag to carry and to fill with her kids’ junk.

1. Babysitting. Are you totally broke but love kids? Offer to babysit. Seriously. Offer it before the holidays so she can go shopping without kids in tow, offer to babysit so she and her partner can go out to eat, to a movie, to get her haircut, or to simply leave the house without kids. (varies, depending on your kindness level)

If you have a little dough offer to babysit and send the moms out for dinner, a movie, a concert, to the roller derby, whatever they like to do. It doesn’t have to cost a lot just get them the hell out of the house. They will thank you, I promise.

2. Customized Kid Mug. If you want to get her kids involved, try one of these giant mugs. They hold enough coffee for her to get through the morning and you can fill them with pictures to make her laugh or soothe her frazzled nerves. Pair it with some good tea or coffee, or cocoa mix and some booze depending on what kind of mom she is. ($25.99)

3. Timex Slip-Thru Weekender. Now that she has kids she will never be on time again but that doesn’t mean she won’t try. I love these watches because they aren’t super expensive and they have a bunch of different bands to fit all sorts of personalities from preppy to girly. ($45-$50)

4. Customized Converse Sneakers. If your lady likes sneakers pop over to Converse and design a pair that suit her. I especially like these with the Batman logo, since moms have secret super powers, too. They’ll be a nice addition to her wardrobe while nothing fits quite right and something she can keep wearing when she’s back to her old self. You can also give a gift card to the site so she can build some for herself. ($75)

5. Ralph Lauren Messenger Bag. Depending on the mom, she might like a girly bag, but you can find those in every “gifts for her list” ever. So here’s one I love this because it looks badass but also has pockets for you’re the little darlings junk. ($100)

– Lucy Hallowell

The Sapphic Music Fan

Does she march to the beat of her own drum machine? Maybe her MP3 collection is so large, it requires it’s own hard drive. If so, you’ve got a majorly queer music fan on your hands. Here are some gifts that will have her singing your praises.

1. Urbanears Harris Tweed Headphones. These super styling headphones are perfect for any music lover on the go. What better way to for her to rock out to the new Taylor Swift album on her morning commute, without the judgment of passersby. ($80)

2. Brandi Carlile Standing Bear T-Shirt. Lesbians dig Brandi Carlile, and frankly, what’s not to love? Her newest album Bear Creek is chock full of the folksy, soulful style she’s famous for. Now the music lover in your life can show her true Brandi fandom in this awesome standing bear T-shirt. It’s made in a soft vintage style with a little bit of stretch, oh and did I mention THERE’S A BEAR on it? Pair it with a couple of concert tickets, and you can get in on the fun too. ($20)

3. Mixtape Laser-Cut Necklace. This super hip acrylic necklace by C.A.B Fayre brings to mind the days when relationships were made and broken through the medium of a perfectly crafted mixtape. Mixtapes have gone the way of the Dodo, but any nostalgic loving and fashion forward rocker chick will turn heads in this killer necklace. Remember, rock ‘n roll isn’t just music, it’s a way of life people. ($20)

4. Little Martin Acoustic Guitar. Does your love play a mean air-guitar, but yearns for something more? Or is the musician in your life always running out the door to their next gig? Either way, this Little Martin Guitar is great for novices and established players alike. Smaller in scale and very lightweight, this guitar is perfect for traveling musicians or for those who just want a quality guitar to learn the fundamentals on. Martin Guitars have been around since the 1830’s so you know they don’t mess around with craftsmanship. ($299)

5. Ladies Rock Camp. Ever wanted to make someone’s dream come true? Ladies Rock Camp has been doing just that for years. Hosted by the Willie Mae Rock Camp for Girls (NYC), Ladies Rock Camp is a weekend long intensive with music instruction in guitar, bass, drums and vocals. Students write their own material, form bands and even play a live showcase. No experience is necessary and the camp welcomes campers who self-identify as female, trans, and gender non-conforming. If the queer music lover in your life is more the philanthropic type, you can donate in their name to Willie Mae or the original Rock and Roll Camp for Girls in Portland, OR. ($390)

– Dana Piccoli

The Urban Sapphisticate

1. Whiskey from Kings County Distillery. As a fun weekend outing, I biked out to this red hook gem (NY’s oldest operating distillery) and took a tour, which I found tedious due to the meathead out-of-towner frat boys who kept trying to initiate a silent dick measuring contest with our bad-ass (female) guide. That said, the place is incredible and the whiskey is even better. ($8)

2. The Best Ear Buds Money Can Buy. If you live in a big city, you’re going to need to tune crazy motherfuckers out with some quality earbuds. These are incredibly comfortable and do not fall out. I lose earphones on a monthly basis, so I’ve tried them all and these are the best. ($130)

3. “Gay-Smelling” Perfume. Perfume is subjective and a tough gift to get right. That’s why I currently smell like a weathered old madam at a French brothel (thanks mom for getting carried away at the Duty Free shop in Dubai). My gf is very particular about scents and loved Craft, calling it, “gay-smelling.” So there you go. ($135)

4. A Leather Jacket. Everyone looks hot in a leather jacket. ($320)

5. Cool Jewelry. This urban saphisticate is a fan of queer jewelry designer Gina Melosi whose collection, SHATTERED, has been cast directly from shards of glass (edgy). Her handmade pieces are created with recycled Sterling Silver and fair-trade Sapphires. She also do engagement/wedding bands & bespoke pieces for civil partnership/gay marriage. ($500+)

– Desiree Akhavan

The Lesbian Film Fanatic

1. Vintage Movie Posters. Nothing makes a room look classy like a vintage movie poster. I especially like the design for this Criterion Collection DVD cover for Vivre Sa Vie. ($25)

2. Oscilloscope’s “Circle of Trust.” Founded by the late Adam Yauch, Oscilloscope acts as a film production and distribution company as well as a recording studio. They have a distinct taste for fresh, off-beat, cutting-edge films (my latest favorites include their recently acquired ONLY THE YOUNG and HELLO I MUST BE GOING). By joining The Circle of Trust, you get their next 10 releases on DVD or BlueRay as well as a bunch of other cool perks, which have included cool swag like books and pocket protectors in the past! ($99)

3. Festival Passes to Frameline. You get to be in San Francisco during Pride and enjoy one of the best film festivals I’ve ever attended. The city was buzzing with gay enthusiasm and I got to watch fantastic new gay films for all over the world. ($725-$5000)

4. Make a Trailer. Here’s the DIY option: Make a trailer for a biopic based on your lady’s life. I did this for my GF on Valentine’s Day last year and I still don’t know how to top it. I came up with the concept for a movie based on her life and then shot it using barbie dolls as actors. My one regret is that I did all the voices, so I find it a bit humiliating to watch. Ask your friends to help with the dialogue. (varies, depending on skill level)

– Desiree Akhavan

The Chic Hippie Chick

This year I’m paying homage to my home in the Pacific Northwest as these gifts are for the naturalist gal on your list. You know the one, your craft-happy, bike commuting friend with the wallet made out of post-consumer recycled material and an affection for composting and the great outdoors. Up until this point, I was still unwilling to admit my own tree-hugging tendencies but seeing that this list is very much inspired by things I actually want, I’d say its time to succumb to the green side.

1. Micro-Green Kits. I’m going to throw a term at you and see how it sticks: Micro-greens. Rooftop gardens are so last year and these Micro-Green kits make it easy to finally shop for that often times neglected green-thumb on your list. You’ll be affording them the opportunity to practice full-on agriculture from the safety of their own home, high rise or lesbian commune and you’ll reap the benefits of leafy greens at their next dinner party. Bonus points if you toss in a pair of overalls. ($8)

2. Upcycled Bags. I’ve always been a huge proponent of the 3 Rs: Reducing, reusing and repurposing. And, yes, I realize I’m taking some liberties with the original lyrics, but I’d only mess with a classic in honor of upcycled messenger bags and laptop sleeves. Alchemy Goods, a Seattle-based shop, reclaims bike tubes from shops across the country and creates sleek and slim cases for all of your gadgets. Each bag is emblazoned with a tiny number, referencing the percentage of recycled material that go into each bag, for that lady who likes to wear her recycled pride! ($30-$168)

3. Crocheted Headphones. Homemade gifts come from the heart but sometimes they’re not exactly practical and, if you’re like me, learning to actually crochet gets in the way of surfing the web. Lucky for us, crocheted headphones actually exist. Props for gifts that are dual purpose, as these headphones also serve as winter headgear. I’m pretty sure the public-transit-riding lady on your list would be a fan. ($38)

4. Peddle-Powered Charging System. The complete amalgamation of green-style city living lies in this next gadget, the Ecoxpower Charging System. Seeing that biking is totally the new driving, you’re probably going to run out of bike friendly gifts to give. Lucky for you, this clever gadget speaks to the universal problem of charging iPods, smartphones and GPS’ on the go. It also serves as a handy bike light. Peddle power! ($100)

5. Sustainable Wood Watches. Wood-paneling is sexy. So is sustainable fashion and the folks over at WeWood have capitalized on its popularity having made wood wearable in the form of chic timepieces. Made from 100% natural timber, these watches are perfect for that naturally fashionable lady in your life. Also, with every timepiece purchased, WeWood plants one tree. Pretty sure that tree-hugger will spare a hug for you, too. ($120-$140)

– Erika Star

The Literary Lesbian

Listen, your literary lesbian has either decided she wants an e-reader or she doesn’t. She might prefer the real thing, and that’s fine. I am one of those switch hitters. If I need a book immediately, I buy it on my Kindle, If I think it’s something I’ll want to have and to hold for as long as we both shall live, I buy it hardbound. I’m betting your literary lesbian has a similar process, so we’re going to skip the “buy her a Nook” and get right to what she doesn’t know she wants, but she totally does.

1. Great Gays Out of the Closet Mug. Your lit lover will ooh and ahh as the likes of Gertrude Stein and Oscar Wilde appear once this mug is warmed with coffee or tea. It’s the perfect accessory to a great book. ($10.95)

2. SheWoolf T-Shirt. I love the idea of wearing literary Ts, but so many of them are books by and about men. So when I saw Otherwild was selling this ode to Virginia, I knew they were speaking our language. ($30)

3. A subscription to the New York Times Book Review. Sunday is a great day for reading and relaxation, and having a subscription to the best book guide in the world coming to her doorstep weekly will be a constant reminder you knew to get her the gift that keeps on giving. ($91)

4. New Yorker poster. Every voracious reader has a favorite New Yorker cover. If you can subtly broach the topic and find out which illustration she loved best, get it for her poster-sized and framed. She’ll be shocked you were paying attention. ($125)

5. Customized Bookshelf Painting. If your reader already owns all of her favorite books (which she obviously does), the best thing you can do is buy her a painting of her favorite spines. Who wouldn’t want to hang their favorites on display? As someone who judges people on the books they have visible in their homes, I can assure you she’ll love this and will know exactly where to put it. The only trouble will be limiting the number of books to seven. ($250)

– Trish Bendix

The Totally-Into-You Techie

Techies are officially the hardest category to shop for. Since your gadget geek probably likes to grab the latest gear on day one (and subsequently brags/complains about it), you can easily get stuck with an empty wish list come the holiday season. The best strategy is to find gadgets and gizmos that best complement her suite of electronic wizardry, or to seek out the things that she didn’t even know she wanted. It’s tricky business, but well worth it.

1. iHome iHM61 Portable Speakers. If she doesn’t already have portable speakers for her listening pleasure (and impromptu dance parties), these little puppies are ideal. Not only are they compatible with nearly every device under the sun, small, and inexpensive, they also have pulsing LED lights that sync up with the beat. ($23.99)

2. Smartphone Camera Lenses. Is she an instagram photography connoisseur who wants to take it to the next level? This set of specialty lenses (including fisheye, telephoto and wide angle attachments) will allow her to create breathtaking works of smartphone-enabled art. ($25-$49)

3. Orvis Sensor Touch Cable Knit Gloves. She’s inseparable from her smartphone, but she doesn’t want to freeze her fingers off — and most winter gloves kind of suck for delicate touch operations. Not to worry, these toasty-looking accessories are designed specifically to aid swiping, typing and the like. They’re festive, too. ($49)

4. Magic Cube Virtual Laser Keyboard. This amazing little device projects a keyboard onto any surface, so it’s perfect for ladies with space constraints, iPads, and techies who just think its cool to type on a virtual keyboard. Bonus points for never needing to worry about spilling sticky drinks on her clunky real-life keyboard again. ($149.99)

5. Nintendo Wii U. Her phone may be a non-stop collection of apps and Angry Birds/Star Wars sessions, but can it play a new Super Mario Bros. game in gorgeous, buttery-smooth HD? Probably not. Nintendo’s new gaming system is the very first out of the gate in the next generation of consoles, and it comes with an impressive array of bells and whistles, not to mention the coolest controller ever conceived of. ($299.99)

– Danielle Riendeau

For The Straight Girl Who Messes With Your Head

1. Cherry ChapStick. For a stocking stuffer for the straight girl who keeps messing with your head, you can’t beat Cherry ChapStick. For one thing, you know she likes that Katy Perry song because for some reason she loves to sing it when you’re around. And boy, does that straight girl seem to need to take care of her lips. Glossing, plumping, asking you if her lip stain looks OK – no, check closer. Are you sure they look OK? Odds are she could use a little ChapStick. ($2)

2. Temporary labrys tattoos. These temporary labrys tattoos are so cool! Just the thing for a bicep or a shoulder blade – or maybe between the pecs? But the important thing is they wash off as soon as the day or the evening or the music festival is over. Look, your straight friend just likes the look of them, OK? They don’t mean anything! She just wants to try them on for a fun time out! Why do you keep trying to box your straight friend in like that? ($2.99)

3. The Siamese Slanket. In addition to its impressive one-two punch of offensiveness right there in the name, the Siamese Slanket is perfect for those wintry evenings she likes to spend cuddled up watching movies together or just talking about how none of the guys she dates is ever as fantastic as you. (Why couldn’t you be a guy? It would be so perfect!) Pop some popcorn (You know what toppings she likes. Ha, ha! She just realized she said “topping.” Isn’t that funny) and settle in for a long evening of totally comfortable cuddling as the two of you watch a clutch-each-other-scary movie like High Tension, or perhaps a thriller like – oh my God, you let her talk you into watching Bound? What is wrong with you? ($40)

4. Tiny silky pajamas. At some point in your movie-watching evening, it’s a pretty safe bet that the straight girl who keeps messing with your head introduced alcohol into the situation. Now she can’t possibly let you drive home. Or take the train. And taxis are so expensive! You’ll just have to stay over. No, no, not on the couch. Sure, it’s been completely comfortable for the past three or four hours, but you’d be surprised at how lumpy that thing gets when you try to sleep on it. Don’t worry about a thing. Your straight friend will loan you a T-shirt and sweats to crash in. She, however, prefers to sleep in tiny silky pajamas. No, they’re not cold at all – especially if she’s snuggled under the covers with someone. Your straight friend will love the blend of practicality and feminine luxury. And you’ll love the way they feel once she’s spooned right up against your back. Won’t you? ($30-$200)

5. Snow cone machine. There’s nothing nicer than a quick trip back to childhood with the simple pleasure of an old-fashioned snow-cone machine. With a variety of flavors and recipes, she can liven up any barbecue or cocktail hour with a sweet treat that makes everyone happy. Plus sometimes you need to tell that straight girl who keeps messing with your head to chill out. ($40)

– Ali Davis

The Practical Butch Fashion Plate

1. Bullet Design’s Bullet Cuff Links. Eye-catching even at a distance, these cufflinks hint at violence and deliver class. She’ll cross the room to get a closer look, chafe your cuff between her fingers then coyly meet your eye. ($20)

2. Imperial’s Classic Pomade. So you’ve got some newfangled hair product, but why not try a classic? It’s a nod to your history. When she runs her fingers through your hair, she’ll thank you. Especially if she harbors inappropriate grandpa fantasies. ($20)

3. Scatterbrain Ties’ Instrumental Oddities Tie. Featuring original pen and ink illustrations, this tie says, “Why, yes, I’ll meet your parents, but can we bowl ironically when we’re done?” ($28)

4. Kershaw Ken Onion Leek Folding Knife. Foldable stainless steel. Ultra convenient when you take her camping. Plus it’s unavailable in some zip codes. How bad-ass is that? Hang on, you’re just now finding out she hates camping? ($27-$91)

5. Estate Passport Case. Italy seems a good compromise. ($35)

– Sarah Terez Rosenblum

Fashion-Forward Femme

Oh heeeeey ladies! Just dropping in to give you my two cents on what the fashion forward femme in your life might be secretly hoping for this Holiday season. Don’t cut a bitch while out hunting for something that might be sub-par; instead, follow my advice and order her gifts from the comfort and safety of whatever device you might choose to do so on. p.s. Amen to Amazon being the fastest check out process of all time!

1. Bill Cunningham New York. This is an excellent and interesting choice for the fashion enthusiast in your life. She will surely love soaking up such an awesome film about an icon of the beauty industry. ($20)

2. Le Labo parfum. I recently went to NYC and on the rounds of shopping, tucked away on Prince Street in Chelsea a small store beckoned. Now, I’m not saying that I’m not stoked on Nicki Minaj’s new perfume venture but if I want a fragrance that I can say with confidence is one of the best I have ever owned, I would snag one from Le Labo. The scents are broken down by elements of a single note. I found that I liked layering Jasmin 17 and Ambrette 9, but either on their own are amazing. My wife is a fan of Bergamote 22, just in case your lady happens to like something a touch muskier as opposed to the before mentioned florals. ($58-$220)

3. Oversized sweaters. In most places of the U.S. this time of year it gets at least a little chillier (for some of you, a lot chillier) and the best discovery on the planet for staying on trend and remaining warm and toasty are the oversized sweaters. Their creation has made the dream of wearing things that feel like pajamas but look like tied together ensembles a reality. To have a few lying around to throw on over tights or leggings and not have to actually think about looking cute is like a winter wonderland in and of itself. This one by Top Shop is easy on the eyes as well as your wallet. ($96)

4. Spiked heels. When H&M starts exploiting a trend, you know that it has truly arrived. Spiked shoes in every variety have hit the pavement and you best be getting this lady some of her own. Chances are she’s already hot to the ticket but you and you alone can deliver the dream directly to her. I really like this particular pair by Jeffrey Campbell. You can basically hunt down just about any variety of kicks with a spike on it these days so find out whatever sort tickles her fancy and just go for it. ($209)

5. Travel wallet. Any stylish lady needs equally stylish accessories to compliment her and an especially beautiful one to receive would be this oversized “travel” wallet by Commes des Garcons. It makes a great classic clutch that can be used for nearly any occasion whilst keeping her things in perfect order. Think of it as gifting her the little black dress of organizers. ($365)

– Emily Hartl

Totally Gay TV Nerdette

Congratulations, you and your girlfriend have it figured out. Rather than spending all your time and money at the bar, you have your dates in bed where there is popcorn, blankets, and a clothing optional dress code. To help you celebrate those quiet nights in, here are a few gifts for the TV loving lady you spend them with.

1. Bomb Girls DVD set. Finally, if the two of you are looking for something new to watch, I highly recommend Season 1 of Bomb Girls, now out on DVD. This is one of the most overtly feminist shows on TV and features Ali Leibert as Betty, one of the greatest lesbian characters ever to swagger across a screen. Now is the perfect time to catch up on the series, since Season 2 will be premiering in January. ($20)

2. Team Paige T-shirt. Even if you and your girlfriend disagree about who exactly is on the “A” team, you can always be sure that you are both on Team Paige. With this comfy long-sleeved T-shirt, you can rock your allegiance wherever you go. Bonus points if you include a coconut cupcake with this one and EXTRA bonus points if you deliver this gift on a bicycle in the dead of night during a rainstorm. ($32.50)

3. Nick Offerman’s kazoo. It’s difficult to pick just one “best thing” about Parks and Recreation, but Nick Offerman‘s mustachioed, meat-loving Ron Swanson is surely among them. Like his character, Offerman is an accomplished woodworker and peddles his wares on the internet, among them, this wooden kazoo. If you’re like me your heart is now racing with the knowledge that for only $42 dollars Ron Swanson. Will make you. A kazoo. What better way to pay tribute to the Li’l Sebastian memorial song or the entire catalog of Duke Silver records? ($42)

4. Dr. Who Sonic Screwdriver. Tired of watching your favorite lesbian characters meet untimely ends? Wishing you could control your television with something other than your old, easily misplaced remote? Well the answer has arrived fashion in the form of an authentic Sonic Screwdriver. Utilizing the latest in Gallifreyan technology, this baby can flip the channels, adjust the volume on your ipod dock, and make any two female characters on your screen make out. OK, maybe not that last one. Yet. At $100 you’d better be sure about giving this to the Doctor Who crazed woman in your life (other than yourself). ($100)

– Elaine Atwell

Wise-Ass Gay Woman

One thing I’ve learned in life is that, sure, I have an occasional witty one-liner but I will never have comedic timing quite like my dog nor will I ever be able to successfully deliver the punch line to a joke on the first try. Luckily, giving the gift of funny is much easier than standing up in front of a crowd and delivering the goods. Here are some wrappable knee-slappers for that witty lady friend on your list.

1. Tea Rex. I know what you’re thinking; the only beverage the folks on your list consume is whiskey, right? I bet you’d be surprised to find that some of them probably moonlight as avid tea-drinkers as well. Maybe not, but what I can guarantee is that all of them are dinosaur fans because dinosaurs are making a comeback says Tumblr. So, introducing, Tea Rex! The most aptly named anything, ever. Looks like teatime may just be the new happy hour. ($12)

2. Cards Against Humanity.This is by far the best thing that has happened to me in life, after getting my dog and my Roku Box. Starting as a Kickstarter, Cards Against Humanity has gone on to win the hearts of the politically incorrect everywhere. This is the game that you always wanted Apples To Apples to be. Raunchy, inappropriate and crass. ($25)

3. Comedy Gift Cards. For that lady that keeps you doubled over in hilarity stitches, it might be time for you to enable her comedy aspirations. Or at least treat her to a show. Clubs like Second City, Zanies, Improv Olympic and Comedy Sportz offer gift certificates that can go towards classes and shows, as do most local comedy venues. I bet that funny lady in your life would love to either attend a show or try her comedic chops in an Improv or Stand-Up class. Who knows, you may be in the presence of comedic genius. If nothing else, a sense of humor is sexy and laughing is the best medicine for the impending winter blues. ($25+)

4. DJ Cat Scratching Pad.I’m not a cat person. And while I’m sorry you had to find out this way, during one Humane Society trip I fell in love with a cat named DJ Mystery and will forever regret not adopting him as I imagine he’s made it big by now. Anywho, seeing that you have lesbian ties, you’ll be shopping for an obsessive cat-owner. Don’t let that cat lover also miss out on this dream. Added bonus, the DJ Cat Scratching Pad will provide hours of Instagramming and YouTube gold. Guaranteed. ($35)

5. The Wine Rack. I’ve never known a lesbian to kick a sports bra out of bed, much less one that holds her vino. In fact, after happening on this hybrid gem, I’ve decided to just get this for every one of the ladies on my list. Add a cup size, hide yo’ wine, and get the support needed during marathon drinking all in this machine washable bra. Because lord knows how difficult wine stains are to get out. ($35)

Erika Star

Totally Lesbian Skymall Fanatic

The SkyMall catalog, that wondrous homage to American capitalism on crack, not only has clip-on bangs made of “100% virgin European hair” (as opposed to slutty European hair), mermaid flippers, to “build confidence,” and armadillo beer can holders, it has lesbionic gems hidden within its pages. I’ve done the work for you and found some great gifts that scream, “We’re here, we’re queer, we thought you might like this Gryffindor scarf!” Check it out.

1. Protect This Woman Necklace. Try as you may, you can not be by your woman’s side, 24 hours a day. It’s not practical, it’s not healthy, and in some states, it’s called stalking. This necklace is a lovely reminder that she’ll always be safe in this world, because she has you. Awww! You guys! ($39)

2. It Is What It Is Bracelet. You know that cute but confusing girl who has you stuck in an endless loop of Go Away a Little Closer? Well, two can play that game. Not everything has to be defined. Relax and enjoy the flirting. So while you’re out shopping for others, get something for yourself. You’ve earned it. ($19.95)

3. Magic Showerheads. Let your girlfriend wash away the day’s patriarchy in her very own magic rainbow shower. Better yet, shower together. Because you’re all about saving water. There’s even a hand-held model for those, um, hard to reach places. Labrys back scrubber not included. ($49.99-$99.99)

4. Math Clock. This clock takes something basic and makes it more complicated than it needs to be, but in a super fun way. If that’s not lesbian, I don’t know what is. And, unlike Barbie, we’re smart and not afraid of math. What time is it? Time to be awesome! ($29.95)

5. Gryffindor’s House Scarf. Is your girlfriend a nut for Harry Potter? Has she meticulously deconstructed the final confrontation between Harry and Lord Voldemort? Is her name Heather Hogan? Support her obsession while keeping her warm with this 100% lambs wool scarf. It comes nestled in a collector’s box. It might even be delivered by an owl. I don’t know. ($65)

Nothing here grabbing you? There’s always the Bigfoot Garden Yeti. A guaranteed conversation piece for years to come. Happy holidays!

– Dara Nai

Beer Drinking Queer

There is no end to the ways you can lavish your Beer Drinkin’ Queer with love, from tasty brews to trips for two. A word of warning, though: These suggestions are for ladies who really love beer and the art of beer-making. If your giftee is the kind of gal who always reaches for lime-flavored light beer, these probably aren’t for her. If, however, your giftee is the the kind of gal who knows the difference between a Dubbel and a Tripel, read on!

1. Dinner for two at a microbrewery. Beer Drinkin’ Queers love to sample beers, which makes microbreweries the perfect place to celebrate the holidays. Most microbreweries offer sample flights of their entire selections, ranging from four to forty beers. And the best part is that your lady love gets to share the experience with you. ($40)

2. Personalized “tree trunk” pilsner glasses. Yes, it’s an`engraving of a tree trunk with your initials carved into it. Yes, it looks like an actual tree trunk once its filled up with beer. Yes, it’s adorable and also kind of gross, depending on which side of sappy you reside. (I think it’s adorable.) Find it at Uncommongoods. ($80)

3. Beer of the month club. These clubs do all the hard work for you, selecting a case of hard-to-find microbrews and craft beers every month and delivering them right to your Beer Lovin’ Queer’s doorstep. Most of the best clubs are kind of pricy, so you can test it out with a three-month subscription before you go all in for a year. Try: Gourmet Monthly’s Microbrewed Beer of the Month Club, which lets you choose between domestic, international, and mixed packages. (Check out DrinkCraftBeer.com for discount codes!) ($30-$50/month)

4. Home brewing kit. Lots of Beer Drinkin’ Queers want to try their hands at brewing beer, so why not bring the brewery to them. A home brewing kit provides everything your lady needs to become brewmaster of her own home. If you’re ordering online, try HomeBrewHaven, but if you have a local brew shop, stop in and say hello. Beer shops are the friendliest shops in the world. ($75-$200)

5. Beercation. Want to show some love by dropping some big bucks? Take your Beer Drinkin’ Queer on a destination tasting. Belgium, Holland, and Germany are obviously good choices. But if you want to keep it local, think of hitting up somewhere like Wisconsin. Sure, Milwaukee is famous for mass-produced “beers,” but there are loads of craft breweries to love in the state that just elected America’s first lesbian senator. Google can help you find a craft brewers guild in a state near you! ($1-$1,000,000)

– Heather Hogan

Gay for the Gym Girl

Are you shopping for a lady athlete, fitness freak, or any woman who’s totally gay for the gym? Whether or not you share her obsession with getting sweaty in a tiny enclosed space or you’d prefer to watch women play the field, here are a few gift ideas that will make your special someone (or your gym buddy that you might like to become your special someone) very happy this season.

1. Specialty classes for two. If your partner is a fitness freak and you’re looking for a fun way to work out together, you can’t really go wrong with a gift of fun, specialty workout classes that you can participate in together. Want to Zumba the night away together, or try an aerial fitness class? Check out local gyms and dance studios for rates and offerings. (varies)

2. Winning Threads. Nothing is hotter than an athletic woman in the right outfit. We still love Nike for workout clothes that look sleek without being too frilly (shopping for a very femmey athlete? There’s plenty of Lulumelon out there). For game days, nothing beats Under Armour’s lineup of performance boyshorts and sports bras, available in standard sizes and cup sizes. ($50-$200)

3. iPod Nano. If she doesn’t already own one of these tiny, candy-colored devices, now’s the time to chip in. These are absolutely ideal for the gym, with touch functionality and Nike+ and a pedometer built right in. ($149)

4. Nike+ Sportwatch GPS. If she’s a fitness freak, chances are good that she’s a runner, and this totally sexy little piece of kit is one of the few GPS running watches that doesn’t resemble an ’80s Navy Seal knockoff. Stylish and light, this will do the job without weighing her down. ($169)

5. Dream competition. Has your gym junkie always wanted to compete in, say a Tough Mudder or a century ride, but she hasn’t been able to cough up the cash? Grab her admission to the event of her desire, and kick in a little piece of race paraphernalia to complete the package. Note that this particular idea requires you know her schedule a bit, so save this one for close friends and partners/wives/girlfriends. ($90-$155)

– Danielle Riendeau

The Paranoid Media Junkie

Look, we all consume a lot of media: TV, movies, music, internet — so much internet. For the media junkie whose consumption has taken a turn for the paranoid, here are some gifts sure to soothe her media-ravaged mind. They say, “I care about you,” while falling just short of saying “seek professional help.” It’s DIY media therapy for your favorite gay lady.

1. Zombie Apocalypse Survival Gift Basket. If your friend/girlfriend/coworker is even a casual consumer of media, she’s probably seen about 1,000 shows/movies./reports about zombies and the pending zombie apocalypse. Make her a gift basket including everything she’ll need to make it out alive. Items can include: a machete, a crank-powered lantern, a water filtration kit, bulk ibuprofen, meals-ready-to-eat and duct tape. ($250)

2. Binders. To put all the women in her life, duh! ($2.50-$10)

3. Gay Wedding Stock. You know what stock is on the rise this year? Gay wedding planning company stock. After marriage equality initiatives in three states — Maine, Maryland and Washington — were approved by voters and an anti-gay marriage equality initiative was rejected in Minnesota, it’s clear the tide of history has turned. Now we just need to push and push to make sure marriage equality becomes a reality on the federal level and hello, billion dollar business. Some stocks set to benefit from marriage equality coming to fruition would make a great and profitable gift. Those include stocks like XO Group and its same-sex marriage group The Knot. ($7.50+)

4. ASPCA Donations. Any gay lady media junkie has been subject to those seemingly endless, soul-crushing Sarah McLachlan ASPCA ads. The only way to get through them without adopting all of the abused animals or throwing your wallet at the TV while screaming, “TAKE IT ALL ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?” is to be proactive. Make a donation in her name to the ASPCA and then include a handy “guilt-away” reminder card telling her stop being tormented by the arms of an angel by texting “ASPCA” to 25383 to donate $5 to ASPCA rescue efforts. ($5+)

5. Noise-Canceling Headphones. When all else fails and the paranoid voices just won’t stop, give her the gift of silence. A total media blackout can be the best present possible for the weary media junkie. Relax, sit back and enjoy the nothingness. ($300)

– Dorothy Snarker

Comic Book Junkie

1. Novel Graphic Novels. Hope Larson seems to love A Wrinkle in Time at least as much as I do. She stays true to the original story in her graphic adaptation, and succeeds in bringing new life to the characters without taking away from the ones in your imagination. The Girl WIth the Dragon Tattoo Book 1 by Denise Mina (writer); Andrea Mutti & Leonardo Manco (illustrators) is worthy of note for more than its famously bisexual main character, Lisbeth Salander. The writer of Vertigo’s graphic novel version is a Scottish crime novelist with a background in criminal law and research into mental illness in female offenders. I can’t wait to see what she brings to Lisbeth, can you? I do have mixed feelings about this cover art, but my version of Lisbeth always has been much different from the rest of Earth’s. Your CBG’s (Comic Book Geek’s) mileage may vary. ($10-$13)

2. Women in Comics collections. Chicks Dig Comics: A Celebration of Comic Books by the Women Who Love Them is a collection of essays from comic writers and artists. (I’m not sure how Terry Moore fits into the category of women who love comics, but he’s in the book.) Womanthology is a comprehensive anthology featuring women heroes created by heroic women in comics is the result of a Kickstarter project conducted by a team that included some of the most popular women comic book creators as well as aspiring female artists and writers. And don’t overlook The Art of Amanda Conner for the CBG who recognizes that great comic art is much more than figure drawing.($15-$50)

3. This Year’s Top Titles. Brian K Vaughn‘s new series Saga: a complete set of #0 issues from DC’s rebooted superhero titles; the remarkable new Terry Moore horror series, Rachel Rising; the Creator Owned Heroes anthology comic from Image; Revival, a zombie story with a different twist featuring a female central character; Fashion Beast, which stars a drag queen with a lesbian dresser (sort of); and enough others to make any CBG smile. When in doubt, ask her comic book store owner for guidance. (varies)

4. Wonder Woman Apparel. Your choice whether to get it for her or to wear it for her. Choose from a bathrobe, PJ, cami and panty set, apron or Converse Lo-Tops. ($25-$60)

– The Linster

The Young or Questioning Queer

Dearest family and friends, do you have a special young queer in your life? Someone who’s still stuck in the hells of middle and high school who might be currently unable to let their freak flag fly as high as it should? We know we can tell them that it’ll get better, because it will, but here’s some things you can give them right now!

Note: If you know me at all, you already know that most of this list will be comprised of books. If you can’t take them out of their world completely – a high school degree does generally help in life, unfortunately – at least give them a way to escape for a while!

1. Coming-of Age Novels. Girl, do you know how many great books came out for you this year? So many! Like Laura Goode‘s Sister Mischief. Interested in politics and really great kissing scenes? Good, because I’m putting Madeleine George‘s The Difference Between You and Me under your tree/menorah/non-denominational star/pillow! ($10-$30)

2. Books about handling haters. Have you heard of A.S. King‘s Ask the Passengers? No? OK good, because I bought you a copy. Have you had trouble with homelessness? Do even gay people offend you sometimes by their lack of understanding about the lack of binaries of all kinds in your life? Read Sassafras Lowrey‘s Roving Pack. Seriously. Does trying to figure out which bathroom to go to at school take up way more brain space than it should, brain space that you could be using to fully understand how awesome you are? Read any and everything by Ivan Coyote, but I’ll start you with One In Every Crowd. ($10-$30)

3. Books about outcasts. It’s a book called The Letter Q. It’ll make you feel better, at least a little, and a little is always better than nothing, or at least better than feeling worse. Also: comics. Any kind. You will like them. If you’re a kid who’s worried about having violence inflicted on you if a parent or guardian finds anything too-obviously-gay in your possession, I’ll buy you some other classic books about being different that might still be comforting: The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky (the new movie is good too, really good, but read the book first), or The Pigman by Paul Zindel, or Looking for Alaska by John Green. There’s so many more. Books will make you proud to be an outcast, I swear. ($10-$30)

4. A Well-Rounded Sleater-Kinney Mix CD. Dearest youth, you may know Carrie Brownstein best as That Chick From Portlandia. While I’m a resident of Portlandia myself, and I appreciate this, this also makes me so deeply, deeply sad. You need to know what she and Corin Tucker and Janet Weiss really meant to all of us, before. So that when you get out of your small town and inevitably take a road trip to Seattle one day with all your dykey best friends because something about the Pacific Northwest just calls to you, you can all squeal together when you pass the exit sign for Sleater-Kinney Road in Olympia. And you can play this CD I made for you, that includes all the best hits all the way from the Call the Doctor and Dig Me Out era to The Woods. And one day at your gay wedding, you’ll sneak “Turn It On” onto the playlist along with, you know, the Michael Jackson and Madonna and Rihanna and stuff and hope all the straighties don’t hate it too much, and then you’ll discover that in fact even your dad dances to it. And your 86-year-old great-aunt will rock out to that Le Tigre song you snuck on, too. Believe me. I know because it happened to me. ($10-$15)

5. A Gift Card to Buffalo Exchange. Friend, go get yourself some faded T-shirts for bands who were on tour before you were born. Find yourself some perfectly worn in flannel shirts. Take that pair of scuffed up boots. Girls, buy all the boy clothes! Boys, buy all the dresses! Buy all of it! May you never have to shop at a Juniors section ever again! ($20-50)

There’s a lot more I’d like to give you, but I can’t give you everything. You’ll figure the rest out on your own.

– Jill Guccini

The Relocating Lesbian

As one of the many people I know who have uprooted their lives recently, I thought I’d include some gifts for people who probably spent their hard-earned cash on cleaning supplies and bubble wrap in lieu of anything fun for their new maxi pad. I’m not saying my friends should be getting me anything, but I’m not not saying they shouldn’t get me anything.

1. A Framed Photo. Your friend probably misses you just as much as you miss them, so why not treat them to a picture frame with a photo of your pretty face already included? Or, you could go the route I usually take and include the least flattering picture of yourself that you can find. That usually brings a smile to any face and if it doesn’t, at least they might miss you a little bit less. This is also a great way to be thoughtful while reminding your pal to remember you. ($9.99+)

2. Wall Adhesives. If you’re looking to go the cool, unexpected and utterly practical route, I’d highly suggest sending your friend repositionable blackboard and/or dry erase board vinyl wall adhesives. These are great for to-do lists, to-buy lists, an impromptu game of Pictionary or for their new (but certainly not cooler) friends to write fun messages on when they come to visit. I’m buying myself a few right now! ($9.99+).

3. A Helpful Poster. A great way to make sure your friend doesn’t spend their time crying on the phone with you while aimlessly wandering their new streets is to get them a nice map of their new surroundings as a poster to frame in their bedroom or hallway. There are a lot of different map styles to choose from and they range from elegant to casual but very useful. I’m a big fan of the less-helpful minimalist neighborhood and subway line maps but I am the poster-child (no pun intended) for the person who needs a very detailed and realistic subway map. ($8.99)

4. Table Topics. It’s difficult to move anywhere but it’s especially difficult to move to an area where you barely know anyone. If your friend is moving in with people they met on Craigslist, chances are they haven’t had the chance to sit down and connect on a deeper level. In order to break the ice and get to know the people they’ll soon be cursing out for taking too long in the shower or eating your friend’s leftover pizza, send them off with a Table Topics card game. The set comes in a cute glass holder with questions already written for them so nothing comes across as being accusatory or passive-aggressive. You may want to pair this with the cocktail party gift basket if you’re feeling generous. ($29.95)

– Mia Jones

High-Maintenance Femme

1. A bauble for her bottle. For better or worse, high-maintenance femmes pay attention to tiny details. That’s why she’ll appreciate this pretty floral wine stopper. Why stick a plain cork back into an unfinished bottle when you could use this instead? ($10)

2. Designer bubbles. Turn your girl’s morning shower or relaxing bubble bath into a spa-like experience with Oscar de la Renta bath gel. A daily dose of luxury keeps the high-maintenance femme happy — which, as you know, is good news for you. ($39)

3. Fashionable muffs. No, not that kind of muff. I’m talking about the kind that keep your ears warm without messing up your hair. The high-maintenance femme doesn’t want to freeze all winter, but she does want to arrive in style with her hairstyle intact. These J. Crew shearling ear muffs will help her do both. ($118)

4. Luxurious robe. You can’t expect a high-maintenance femme to lounge around in a regular old terry cloth robe. Her delicate and luminous skin requires something much finer, like cashmere. This super-soft cashmere robe will keep your lady warm and cozy all winter long. I tried it on once and did not want to take it off. It’s normally $400, but is on sale for $249 at Bloomie’s. You’re welcome. ($249)

5. High-style iPad case. She may look like she sits around brushing her hair and re-applying her lipstick all day, but chances are your high-maintenance femme actually has some work to do. Help her do it in style with a Marc Jacobs iPad case that looks like a high-end handbag. Sure, it costs more than the iPad itself, but when Apple introduces its latest and greatest tablet, rendering older models obsolete, this beauty will still be in style. ($495)

– Meg Streit

The Fond-Of You Foodie

Does your friend, girlfriend, crush or undefined lady in your life know the difference between pate, terrine and galantine? Does she look down upon her nose at people who do not? If you said “yes” to the latter, read no further, because your friend is not only a food lover, she is a food snob, and food snobs are douchebags and do not deserve gifts.

This post is for pure food lovers. People who will go to any lengths to eat as many different things as possible – as long as it tastes yummy. People who shriek at the Food Channel like 15-year-old girls at Justin Bieber. People who have street food fairs saved in their calendars months ahead of time. People who ask themselves, “What does the color magenta taste like?” Great eats can come at any price, any place – including your own kitchen. Because if a foodie cannot get what she wants, she’ll just make it herself.

1. Exotic spices. Perhaps you do not live in a town where exotic spices are available. Never fear. New Yorkers rely on Kalustyan’s specialty food store to get the most obscure and hard to find spices. If Kalustyan’s doesn’t have it, no one does. Let that sink in. Yep, that is approximately 1,500 different spices and herbs – and you can order them online. Oh and 43 different types of mustards, 113 types of honey, 46 different types of olives, 225 different cooking oils – need I go on? If your culinary choices in your town are limited, start at Kalustyan’s online store, and bring all the tastes in the world right into your home. ($5.99+)

2. Chefbian cookbooks. Can’t make it out to NYC to try Anita Lo‘s foie gras soup dumplings? Don’t worry, the recipe is in her cookbook Cooking without Borders, which was released last year. Out chef Cat Cora has a few cookbooks, and you check out the selection on her official site. ($20)

3. Bacon and chocolate. Now let’s talk about bacon, which is the greatest thing ever invented besides the snooze button. Do you know what goes well with bacon? Everything. Even chocolate. Yes, chocolate. Don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it. It is the perfect mix of savory and sweet, with a smoky kick. Chicago based Vosges Chocolates has a section dedicated to the delectable union of bacon and chocolate. Bacon truffles, bacon chocolate bars, bacon caramels. It’s like heaven in a little purple box. ($8-$180)

4. Mezcal. A meal is never complete without libations. Heather has you covered with her beer lovers’ list, and well, everyone knows to pair food and wine. How about something a little off the beaten path? Enter mezcal. Not too long ago, mezcal was known as the ugly stepsister of tequila. Recently, though, artisanal distillers of mezcal have cropped up, refining the process to deliver an exquisitely smooth and smoky spirit. One of these producers is Ilegal Mezcal, which crafts three varieties: Joven, Reposado, and Anejo. This spirit is not meant to be shot; it is meant to be sipped and savored. Buy it online here. Also, bonus! Ilegal Mezcal is a gay-friendly company that designed these “I’d Rather Kiss a Chick Than Eat Your Chicken” T-shirts and tanks to protest Chick-Fil-A’s homo hatin’. All proceeds from Ilegal’s T-shirt sales go to GLAAD. ($46)

5. A culinary tour. Let’s say you live in a city with a good amount of dining choices. Why not treat your girl to a culinary tour? XPerience Days has a list of food tours, and you can sort by state, metro, and price. If price doesn’t matter, why not take her to a food tour of Italy, France, or Southeast Asia? And if you are in the New York City metro region, how about a food tour sampling the culinary delights created by out lesbian chefs? Your itinerary: Yo In Yo Out by Chopped’s Yoanne Magris, Annisa by Anita Lo, and The Flatiron Room, which just had its soft opening, headed by executive chef Susan Burdian. And don’t forget Amanda Dunn and Kim Stolz‘s trendy new bar/restaurant The Dalloway. ($69-$160)

– Grace Chu

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