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“The Fosters” recap (1.8): Kiss her goodbye

Previously on The Fosters, Brandon helped Callie save her brother, Judicorn (hat tip to AE user cyclone for the excellent word), from a gun toting madman and got grounded for a week for his trouble. Jesus had the sex with Lexi without using any of the condoms Stef and Lena use to decorate their home, got caught getting a lady to buy the morning after pill for him, and got nothing more than a “we’re very disappointed in you, mister.” Mariana got blind drunk, tattled on Jesus and Lexi’s sexy times, and got a pass to Six Flags. Liam showed up and menaced Callie like a Rosewood police officer, Wyatt took a swing at Liam, and Brandon did some Ezria role playing with Callie and listened like a champ to her tale of Liam her rapist, foster brother. Meanwhile, Lexi ran away to the dining room with a box of prunes and five chocolate sandwich cookies.

We begin in the kitchen where everyone but Jude is having dinner. Jude is in “out of town” for the week recharging his unicorn powers. Stef tells Callie in her sensitive mom voice that she talked to someone and Sarah is out of Liam’s house and that she has a friend in the DA’s office who she’s going to talk to on Callie’s behalf. Brandon’s listening to his Casio at the dinner table, Jesus is murdering his seven cheese mac and cheese with ketchup, and Mariana is texting with Lexi. Mariana is thrilled that lexi will be back at school and Lena is unhappy that the twins are so stoked that Lexi blackmailed her parents into letting her go back instead of sending her to a girls’ school in Texas. Stef considers the idea of a girls’ school and files it away for a little role playing with Lena. Stef and Lena are chit chatting about their plans to go out with Lena’s ex Gretchen. Jesus asks if Gretchen is hot, because he’s fifteen, a little skeevy, and hasn’t had his lesbian fantasy ruined by his moms. Lena says yes, of course she’s hot, do I look like a lady who settles for anything less?

But she is quick to point out Gretchen’s got nothing on Stef. The phone rings and everyone is shocked that they have a land line. It’s Ana, the con artist bio mom, and she wants money from Mariana because she just can’t wear maxi pad flip-flops anymore.

Brandon is playing piano and both his teacher and I are falling asleep. Turns out there’s nothing wrong with Brandon’s technical ability, he just doesn’t have any feeling behind it. He says something stupid about not having anything to be sad about and essentially waves a bucket of chum in front of the fates. Dumbass!

“This storyline is putting me to sleep too Mr. Feeney.”

Callie returns a book to Wyatt and tries to talk to him, but apparently his hair is blocking his ears because he’s kind of bitchy to her. Buddy, I like you. I like that you’re kind of snarky. I like that Callie dating you won’t make her homeless, but as long as you are a terrible listener who spooks Callie when she’s trying to work up to telling you about the time that her foster brother raped her you’re going on the shit list. Buddy, you have to up your game. Your competition, Brandon, listens like he was raised by a couple of “open lines of communication are the only way to go” lesbians. Next, Talya sidles up to Brandon to give him tickets she bought for a concert before they broke up. He refuses to take them because they’re broken up and he’s still kind of mad that she was a dick to Callie. Finally, Lexi finds Jesus (the kid, not the son of god), and he’s a little weird and can’t hang out, so she starts freaking out at girls do. Lexi, the problem isn’t you, it’s Ana.

Speaking of Ana, Mariana and Jesus have taken a stroll to the neighborhood the gays will be gentrifying in a year or two. The house where Ana lives is a mess and so is she. She cries at the sight of Jesus and hugs him so hard that I feel a little bad for her. She asks them for money and they say no but she won’t let up. A scary dude walks in, he looks a little like neck tattoo guy who was on Project Runway years ago, and scares the crap out of everyone. Ana tells her spawn that she needs money because he’s scary and has drugs in the house and she just needs a bus ticket to San Francisco. Mariana is all over her lies, but Jesus can’t help feeling sorry for Ana, even if she’s a lying con artist.

Mike is driving Miss Daisy around. Seeing Stef in the passenger seat is a little like watching a British TV show, why are the drivers sitting on the wrong side? She’s asking why he looks like Riley when he was getting his rocks off having his blood sucked by some vampires. Mike says oh it’s nothing, just taking extra shifts at the Alamo Freeze so I can pay for Grandma Saracen’s medicine. Stef tries to ask him about his drinking but he’s saved by some guy blowing through a stop sign and they are in pursuit. Stef talks cop into the radio and half the lesbians in America drop their pants right there (she’ll get the rest in a minute). Mike barks at the guy to get out of the car and in the middle of cuffing the guy gets knocked to the ground. Stef sprints after the guy, jumps a fence, parkours her way across half of San Diego (the good kind of parkour, not the Michael Scott, Dwight Schrute variety) and tackles the guy like she played rugby in college (and there go the rest of the lady pants across the nation). Mike huffs into the picture about an hour later like Wesley Wyndham-Pryce.

Stef, in her purple jersey T-shirt, makes her way to Brandon’s room where he’s practicing the piano. She asks him about how Mike is doing. Brandon says that Mike is drinking again. Stef wants to know what he means by “again” and Brandon says he heard them arguing before the divorce and that he knew Mike had a problem with drinking because once Mike drove off the road while Brandon was in the car. Stef is shocked and concerned and wants to know why Brandon never said anything. Brandon was too afraid Stef wouldn’t let him see his dad, so he kept quiet. And magically Brandon has all the sadness he needs to play his piano with feeling.

Hot cop boss lady is back and she’s pissed but also really hot. She asks what the hell happened and Mike takes the blame and Stef tries to cover for him but boss lady sends him out of the room. She asks Stef what’s up with Mike and if he is drinking again. We don’t see Stef’s answer, but we get Mike screaming at her about not having his back. He’s no longer her partner because he’ll be on desk duty. She says she didn’t rat on him , she just didn’t lie to cover for him.

Back at school, the guys who took video of drunk Talya at Wyatt’s occupy my childhood home party play it in front of the class. Talya runs out, Brandon takes the video down, and Callie tells Talya that everything will be okay. Callie, I’ve heard this speech before. It sounded better in Hugh Grant‘s British accent, but the whole “today’s news will line tomorrow’s waste paper bins” isn’t all that comforting for a chick whose boobs were just on the overhead projector.

Because of Mike, Stef is late to dinner with Lena and her ex, Gretchen (played by the stunning Necar Zadegan). Gretchen is a little too smooth for my taste. She’s bold in the ways we’re used to seeing Stef and Lena be quiet with each other, all soft words and gentle moments of calm between kid chaos, Gretchen’s gestures are a little too big, her voice a little too loud, her presence a little too pushy. Stef shows up in uniform and apologizes to Lena for being late and not having changed her clothes. Gretchen flirts with Stef about how she likes a lady in uniform and then compliments Stef’s drink of choice while Stef strips off her uniform so that she can drink her dirty martini. Seriously, that all happened.

Gretchen spends the meal half flirting with Stef, and half regaling her with stories designed to show all the things she knows about Lena from their relationship. Stef laughs at the stories she hasn’t heard before and Lena gets uncomfortable with her life being displayed for sport.

Back at home, Brandon is all full of puritanical ideas about Talya and her boobs and what she was doing getting drunk and Callie adjusts his attitude for him. She tells him that Talya was getting drunk because she realized she was wrong and was upset and that maybe he should stop being a dick to her and try to be a good friend. It’s like when Jude’s away all his mystical Yoda powers transfer to his sister.

After another round of let’s make Lena squirm (but not in a wanky way), including a discussion of how much Lena hates guns and is nervous about Stef’s job, Gretchen asks if Stef has ever shot anyone and Stef says no. Come on, people. You can’t go around jinxing stuff like that. Stef and Gretchen both reach for the check. Gretchen wins the battle of the tops this time and pays, but Stef invites her to have dinner with them the next night. Lena gives Stef “the look” but to no avail. More lesbian awkwardness ahead!

Jesus is full of good ideas for helping out Ana. He’s found a shelter and Sarah McLachlan herself will take care of Ana and it’s perfect and Mariana shuts him down. She tells him that she’s learned that all Ana wants is money from them and that he shouldn’t get sucked in by her sad eyes and talk of DNA and blood ties.

The gang of lesbos stands around waiting for their cars to show up. Lena is not pleased about this turn of events. She is pissed Stef invited Gretchen over for another round of embarrassing stories. Stef tries to make light of the situation because isn’t threatened by Gretchen playing “I kissed her first” because Stef knows she kisses Lena now. Lena storms off in her car and sticks Stef with paying for the valet service for both of them. Yeah Stef, you really are going to be paying for a while.

Back to school for a quick round up of the kid drama. Lexi thinks Jesus is avoiding her and he says he’s not, he’s just got a lot going on with reconnecting with Ana in her house on the Hellmouth. Wyatt is still not talking to Callie, which is stupid because she’s adorable in her baseball t-shirt. She invites him to a silent movie so he can keep not talking to her. The scene is a perfect match for the one in which he asks her to come to his beach party instead of Mariana’s “look at me” party. After school, Jesus is at the house of the rising sun looking for Ana, instead he gets scary guy with his weed wacker haircut. This is going to end well.

Stef, Lena, and Gretchen are having a lovely time with Mariana who is apparently the only one without a date for the evening (way to go Jude!). Gretchen just keeps putting cards on the table and hoping something comes up rummy. First, she’s got stories and more stories about the famous people she knows and Mariana’s eyes light up like it’s Christmas morning. “Tell me about the time you hung out with George Clooney, again, grandma.” Ugh. Gretchen says she and Lena once had dinner with Clinton. Mariana almost piddles on the floor like an excited lhasa apso until Lena says “Bill, not Hillary.” Bummer.

Gretchen ups her game with tales of all the things Lena wanted, like a wedding. Lena says Stef doesn’t believe in gay marriage and I call bullshit, but we’ll go with it for now. Stef doesn’t want to get married again and Lena said that was fine with her. When Lena has enough, she leaves to check on the cornish hens (which she has named Gretchen, after their guest).

Mariana gets a text from Lexi, who is supposed to be with Jesus at a movie. The old switcheroo! When Jesus doesn’t answer her calls, Mariana start freaking out that he’s at Ana’s. Perhaps she is the smart one after all. In another part of town, Ezra and Aria meet at a silent movie to make out and disrupt the other people.

Over dinner, Gretchen stirs the pot some more by saying they broke up because Lena wanted to marry her and Gretchen wouldn’t commit. Stop trying to make fetch happen, Gretchen! Lena calls bullshit and says no they broke up because Gretchen was screwing Cherie Jaffe and Lena’s best friend. Gretchen tries to play innocent and says she didn’t mean to stir up trouble, and Lena cements her place in my heart by saying “Didn’tcha, though?” They escort Gretchen out, but the damage has been done.

There’s a funny thing about being with someone for a long time. At the start, it’s all new and surprising and you can just fill your pockets with every tiny piece of information. Like you find out her middle name and the name of her first dog. You gorge on the feast of facts about your girl. You know she hates lima beans and you know how she used to force them down as a kid because her parents made her clean her plate. You know her most embarrassing stories and her most triumphant. Then the flood tapers off to a trickle. You start to feel like you know everything about her. So new information becomes like a present that arrives unexpectedly in the mail, or money you find in the pocket of pants you haven’t worn in a month. They are treasured moments of new in an ocean of familiar, a new constellation in a sky where you thought you had mapped every star. But no one likes to learn the new secrets like this. No one wants to feel left out, excluded from a part of the woman you love where another was allowed to wander. It’s embarrassing and it can make you wonder if you are unworthy to know that someone else has seen a part of the woman you love that she hid from you.

Stef is hurt that Lena wanted a wedding and never said anything. Lena is pissed that Stef invited the ex to dinner and just as they start to get into it over Lena keeping things from Stef and Stef being an ass, Mariana shows up ready to tell the truth.

She thinks Jesus is at Ana’s house, where nothing is childproof and everything is a death trap. Stef grabs her gun and heads out the door without kissing Lena good bye. Stef, you do not tempt the fates by not kissing her good-bye. You never leave without saying I love you. This is the first rule and you should know better.

After some scenes I don’t care about (sorry Callie, Wyatt, Talya and Brandon) Stef rolls up to the sketchy house. A minute later, Mike arrives because Lena called him for back up. As a feminist I’m offended, but as someone who wants to see Stef in her leather jacket some more, I’m thankful. They see drugs through the open front door and go into the house. The episode ends with shots, so many shots, being fired.

Next week we’ll find out what happened at the OK Corral. Until then, let’s chat about this episode. What did you think?

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