“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.13): New Age

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Cooking Store

Kathy and Teresa contemplate cooking supplies like the nurturing examples of traditional womanhood they are. Teresa feels validated by a stranger named Penny who said that Teresa did not try to spread rumors about her sister in law, Melissa, cheating on her husband. It doesn’t take much. Teresa recaps the hair product party drams, and Kathy hears all about how Melissa talked to both Penny and Jan about rumors. At the end Melissa was just “You’re lying, but I don’t care,” an unusually calm move for any RH.

Melissa’s House

Melissa and Joe pack for the spa trip/worst birthday present ever. Joe Gorga, who planned the trip, is now not so excited to go with Teresa because he suspects Teresa is shady as fuck. Joe is suspicious of Teresa because she tried so hard to make everyone say she was innocent, while also hovering around any conversation that might involve her. By dominating the conversation, Teresa insured that the conversation didn’t catch up with her. Solid move, but one that screams guilt. Innocent people don’t act that damn guilty.

Kathy’s House

Rich is being odious. Quelle surprise. “Look at me!” he actually shouts, shimmying around in a pair of old pants that he claims hasn’t fit for years. Sex and the City called, they want their moment back. “It’s be cold at night, kind of like my life,” Rich guffaws horribly and his wife Kathy is like “Please stop.”

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Caroline’s House

Caroline is like “Ohhh stop” as her husband gets grabby. Oh husbands and their urges HAHAHAHAHA honey I have a headache boys will be boys sometimes I feel like he’s the kid etc.

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Teresa’s House

Teresa holds up different skimpy bikinis and giggles about wanting to look like Daisy Duke while her daughters stare. It’s nice that a woman Teresa’s age is that confident with their body, and I do enjoy seeing miserable middle schoolers like Gia cringe at everything. The best part of having a teen girl must be annoying the unpleasant, sensitive little monsters. They are annoyed by everything you do, so why not go for the gold? Torture your beloved teenage spawn with the same zeal with which they torture you.

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