Field tested by yours truly, this tried-and-true method to evaluate your budding romance is guaranteed to weed out all but the ONE. This process is specifically calibrated to find your future wife in the shortest amount of time possible. Good luck!
1. Go on a weekend trip “just as friends,” share a bed, and come back as loverzzz.
She’s just your bestie, nothing more. That is, until you go to the beach, or a quaint town, or an overnight concert, and have an effortlessly wonderful day together. Back at the hotel room, you have this gut feeling that NOT smashing would be wrong. So you smash.
2. Volunteer at a soup kitchen and try to make a meal with one spoon, a butter knife, and a lopsided pot.
Many organizations need help preparing meals for those they serve. However, supplies are usually lacking. Bring your gal pal along to chop veggies with a completely dull knife and boil eggs on a broken stovetop. If you still manage to giggle and get the job done, she’s a winner.
3.Get high, watch a bizarre, live-action puppet show, and make fun of the same things.
Most cities have a never-ending supply of art-school performances in a dilapidated venue or hipster basement. Invite her to the weirdest one! See if she chuckles at the same campy jokes that go over most people’s heads, or rolls her eyes when the alternative-punk-triphop band starts playing whale sounds, or shares a glance with you when the felt worm puppet starts break-dancing.
4. Go on an EXTREMELY awkward group hike with all the women you’ve ever dated.
Like most lesbians, you try to be friends with your exes, hookups, whos-its, and whats-its. Maybe you’re cool as a cucumber but they’re not. And maybe, you learn this only AFTER you’re in the middle of the woods, juggling their feelings and wishing you could ejector-seat away. At the same time, this is a great test. Is your main squeeze acting normal, not putting pressure on you, and keeping it easy-breezy? This could be a sign of tremendous emotional maturity. Not an easy thing to find.
5. Catch and neuter feral cats.
This is an odd one, but once you start you’ll never stop! Many animal clinics offer free, monthly spaying and neutering to feral cats, who probably shouldn’t be having more babies. Pick up the traps, put them in your backyard with some wet food, and wait for the kitties to take the bait! In the meantime, you and your honey can busy yourself with other activities. Take the cats to the clinic in the morning. Rinse and repeat!
6. Be miserably sick together (but still have lots of sex).
You’re both in bed with the worst cold you can remember. Who gave it to who doesn’t matter—your head feels full of cotton and your nose is stuffed like a turkey. Yet somehow you still have fun napping all day and sipping soup next to your sweetie. You take care of each other, and decide just because you can’t smell doesn’t mean you can’t taste her.
7. Try to build something together and NOT smash it in frustration.
Whether papier mâché sculpture, a larger-than-life protest poster, or a custom Halloween costume, creative projects don’t always go according to plan. In the past, your significant other might have exploded in anger or made you feel anxious, but with her, you know it will work out. You balance each other’s vision and give helpful suggestions. She even runs out to get supplies at the eleventh hour. Maybe, in the end, the project ended up looking like a wet turd, but you realize you can count on her when shit hits the fan.
8. Go to a cringey comedy show and heckle the sexist host.
A mutual friend asks you to support her at a comedy competition. She steals the show! But throughout the night, the MC is a porn-sick dude-bro being derogatory AF. The whole audience is uncomfortable and can’t even feign a laugh. He just won’t stop. That is, until you hear your date mock laughing, louder and louder, until he fumbles. Before you know it, everyone is heckling this piece of human garbage, and it all started because bae was immune to the bystander effect. Take your woman to an uncomfortable situation and see how she responds.
9. Ingest heavy psychedelics, lose your mind, and realize nothing matters except her.
Join a circle of ten women and go on a spiritual journey. Speak to God and glimpse Her infinite creation. There will be times when you think you’re dead. Other times, you’ll wish you were. But when you return to your body and see her sitting across the room looking at you, you know with more certainty than you’ve ever known—she’s perfect. And that it’s a gift to be anything at all so you can be with her.
10. Invite her to your conservative family’s wedding as “The Gay Cousin’s” plus one.
You’re nervous to ask, but once you invite her, she can’t buy plane tickets fast enough. Off to farm country you go, the first gender non-conforming couple most folks have ever seen. She fixes your jacket as you adjust her tie. The glances you share are electric, and you just can’t seem to hold her hand enough. As you slow dance together, do you imagine this night as your own? If so, sister, she’s the one!