Movies

A Few Lesbian Holiday Movies We’d Like To See

Take a seat ladies, because it’s time for lesbian day dreaming hour. This holiday season we were blessed with not one, but two lesbian holiday movies. And in classic lesbian cinema fashion, they were both pretty disappointing. Not necessarily bad, but blah. So instead of feeling too bad about it, why don’t we fantasize about a few lesbian holiday movies we’d like to see? 

Christmas Musical Rom Com

Lots of people hate musicals, and that’s fair. But I will admit that physically I am at my desk, but mentally I am on a Greek island singing ABBA songs. And wouldn’t it be fun to have a lesbian rom com musical set during Christmas and New Year’s? A lesbian couple, played by Brie Larson and Tessa Thompson, struggle to get through the holidays with their less than perfect families. Admit it, you’d love to see them as a couple. Almost as much as the actresses would love to see it themselves. We remember their tweets from the Avengers: Endgame press tour. We have receipts!

And you might be wondering whose discography could have enough Emotion, with the right amount of humor, and enough absolute bangers to carry a rom com? Our Lady of Perpetual Bops Carly Rae Jepsen. Imagine with me for a hot second… lesbian yearning to “Your Type.” Making their escape from the family function to “Run Away With Me.” Pining over a woman named Julien. We’ll have a few laughs and maybe even shed a few tears because “It’s Not Christmas Till Somebody Cries.” 

Lesbian Die Hard

The debate rages, is Die Hard actually a Christmas movie? Well, it takes place during Christmas Eve so for the sake of this article, we’ll say it does. A high-ranking executive lesbian is taken hostage on Christmas Eve and her wife has to rescue her. And in a slight little twist, the wife also knows how to fight. Who doesn’t love an action lesbian? Now imagine two of them trying to save each other. And I know several of you love thirsting over a woman’s muscular arms. But who would star in it? We have a lot of options. Charlize Theron, Veronica Ngo, Danai Gurira, Diana Lee Inosanto, and Michelle Yeoh to name a few. We know these women can fight, so the action choreography would blow our minds. And who doesn’t want to see more action lesbians? The couple that fights together stays together. 

Lesbian Holiday Miracle

You know when lesbians are clearly in love with each other but they continue to insist the other is just being friendly or one of them says “but does she like like me?” And all her friends want to murder her because it’s so painfully obvious to them? I know. Because I am that very lesbian and those are my friends. So I thought, wouldn’t this make a hilarious movie? All their friends and family conspire to do everything they can get them together. But of course our protagonists have one brain cell when it comes to romance. Let the fanfic levels of hijinks ensue. One of them is a shameless flirt and the other is oblivious. They’re snowed in and need to share a room. Oh no, there’s only one bed… what a tragedy. They have to pretend to be a couple and in doing so realize they want this for real. What about the holiday miracle? Well, they actually manage to confess by accident. Because don’t we all just want someone to share a brain cell with? And who is starring in this film based on my terrible luck with love? Red Velvet’s Wendy and Alycia Debnam-Carey would kill it in these roles. 

Lunar New year with Lesbians

Imagine two lesbian aunts played by Gemma Chan and Dichen Lachman arriving to the function in their new Mercedes. They make it rain red envelopes. Oh you want a PS5 for your birthday? No problem, we’re married with no kids and a double income. I will get you one and an Xbox too. They’re the kinds of aunties that slip you a few hundred dollars then tell you not to tell your mom. The kind who actually use the dishwasher because they don’t worry about the water and power bill. The kind who would actually get you McDonald’s even if you do have food at home. But why are they flexing so hard? For family approval. As the film progresses, we watch as lesbian wife #1 comes up with more elaborate plans to prove herself as lesbian wife #2 goes along with her outrageous plans. But with her wife’s help, she realizes she doesn’t need her family’s approval anymore. She’s happy, healthy, and loved. She and her wife will still flex that double income next year, though. 

Winter Solstice with Ancient Lesbians 

Why don’t we go back, way back to before there even was a thing called Christmas. And who better to dress up in period-specific clothing and do ancient rituals than Katie McGrath? She’s running around ancient Ireland serving looks in a long, flowing  hooded robe collecting herbs for potions. But oh, what’s this? In comes Lashana Lynch to steal her heart. But their love is forbidden. Not because of homophobia, but because they are part of warring clans. This is the beauty of fantasies! We don’t need to include homophobia if we don’t want to! We watch our protagonists go on a quest to find a way to stop the bloodshed. There will be supernatural creatures, magic, Katie McGrath with a sword, Lashana Lynch with an axe. Of course our heroines find a way to stop the carnage and live happily ever after. 

But Wait! There’s More!

Of course there is! Because you’ll tell us about your dream lesbian holiday movie, won’t you? You might be thinking, “what’s the point, it’ll never happen.” That’s understandable. But why can’t you make it yourself? Write that story! Even if it makes just one other lesbian or bisexual woman happy and feel less alone, wouldn’t it have been worth it? We have every right to write own stories. Who can stop us? No one. Our power is immeasurable. 

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