Welcome to Ask AfterEllen — our advice column where the Sapphic sages at AE answer your (non-medical) questions. Got a question for the lesbian experts? Email [email protected].
Many lesbian, gay and bisexual people take National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to express to family, friends, and the internet, that they’re attracted to the same-sex. It’s a good excuse to finally take the plunge and overcome the ol’ coming out anxiety. Did you?
I’ve been an out lesbian for 10 years. I didn’t do anything to celebrate my 10th anniversary for coming out because the fanfare isn’t really my thing but this article can commemorate it! One of the most asked questions, for us more seasoned lesbians, is “what is your coming out story?” or “I want to come out – how do I go about that?” So here it is: advice on coming out.
Are you safe?
The reality is that we all come from different backgrounds, families, and cultures. The first thing to remember is that your safety is of most importance. Authenticity is definitely admirable, but if you’re not safe to come out, then work towards a situation where you are safe before you do so.
I’m not a city-stan, I’m more of a small town gal, but a popular plan among the rainbow community is to move to a city once you’re of adult age. Firstly, there’s a lot of gay people to befriend and cities are more likely to have gay clubs, streets or neighborhoods to meet them in. Secondly, you get the anonymity to explore gay life in a sea of millions. The city is often a good place to start, at least in your early twenties, if you come from a homophobic family and want a more supportive network to come out in.
Don’t automatically assume it will be an ostracizing process
You know whether your social network is objectively homophobic or not. Listen to your gut. But don’t assume everyone will hate you because of fear or internalized homophobia. There are many lesbian and bi women who say “I thought my family, or one particular family member, was going to abandon me! But they didn’t!”
To a certain extent, I’m one of those people. While my coming out story wasn’t particularly seamless, there were people in my life — especially of the older generations — that I was sure would be weird about it… and they weren’t. Boomers often cop a lot of flack. But, for many of us, our Boomer grandparents were much more understanding than our Gen X parents. I assumed the reverse.
My small town, working class grandparents didn’t do a big song and dance when I came out. They did exactly what I wanted. They didn’t automatically bring up my lesbianism when it didn’t need to be brought up, but they didn’t avoid it. When I got a partner they called her my partner, not my “friend.” They tell people I’m gay if they ask when I’m getting a boyfriend. They don’t treat me any different to what they have my whole life.
Coming out can spring-clean your network
Coming out can be very daunting. It can also be very dangerous. It can be lonely, if we lose loved-ones in the process. It’s easy to say “people that matter don’t mind, people that mind don’t matter,” but humans aren’t solitary creatures and it’s only natural to want love and support from those you love. It can be very jarring — to say the least — when those who you felt unconditionally loved you suddenly don’t, post-coming out.
But coming out can also be joyous. It can be freeing. If you’re not going to be in danger for being more open about yourself — and you’re longing to be more authentic with those around you — then don’t let the fear overcome you. Do it while you’re scared. The reality is that you might lose people. If they love you unconditionally, you won’t. Coming out can be a nice clean up of those who don’t have our best interests at heart.
We are not responsible for our family or friends’ homophobic issues
Our parents often think we owe them a certain life. They have us and then they imagine the life they want for us, while we’re rolling around in a onesie on the floor. Our parents can even project their own hopes and dreams on us. Nobody understands this like the homosexuals.
Many parents get disappointed if we don’t earn the amount of money they hoped for. They can get disappointed if we’re not the epitome of femininity growing up as girls. They can also get disappointed when they realize they won’t receive a heterosexual marriage and/or grandchildren out of us.
It’s their “payback” for their hard work, in their eyes, and that’s objectively untrue. This is your life. You don’t owe anybody your life’s trajectory. If coming out is important to you, then do it. I can understand parents being shocked and taking a short while to adjust to their child coming out. But if they have deep-seated issues about it then that’s for their therapist’s ears, not yours. I wish someone had told me this at 17.
You don’t *have to* come out
Some of us benefit from coming out because it’s important for us to move through the world in a way that can’t be mistaken for straight. But some of us value privacy more than transparency and that’s not objectively wrong. If you’re someone who doesn’t think it’s anybody’s business whether you’re straight or not then, by all means, keep it to yourself!
You don’t owe anyone “coming out.” Many of us who have come out to those who matter still don’t always bring it up to every person we meet. It usually comes up for me, unless I feel like I’m in danger, because I enjoy normalizing the word “lesbian” and see mentioning it as a political act.
I bring up I’m a lesbian — when it feels natural — mainly because I’m a lesbian who understands that much of the homophobia in small towns is a result of the obvious fear-of-the-unknown that exists in more isolated areas. So I choose to be the one they know, so they can put a face to the sexual orientation and stop acting like we’re the boogey man.
But you don’t have to. Do not feel pressure to come out if it doesn’t feel natural to you. Coming out is a personal process that benefits many people but if it’s not going to enrich your life, if it makes you uncomfortable, then simply don’t!
Got a question for the lesbian experts? Email [email protected].
This column is not a substitute for psychiatric or medical advice. AfterEllen staff are writers, not therapists.
