Welcome to Ask AfterEllen — our advice column where the Sapphic sages at AE answer your (non-medical) questions. Got a question for the lesbian experts? Email [email protected].
How do you tell if that gender-nonconforming workmate you’d love to be friends with is a lesbian like you, while avoiding the awkwardness of asking? What about that hot librarian you keep bumping into while studying? Are you ever going to build up the nerve to approach her for a chat? Wouldn’t it be easier if you could gauge the likelihood she’s into women first?
I can feel the wrath already: “You can’t tell if a woman is lesbian or bisexual!” or “That’s judgemental!” or “All you have to do is ask her…” or “Shoot your shot anyway!” and you’re half-right.
Lesbian and bisexual women have a history of developing signals to find each other. It isn’t judgemental to look for green flags. Homophobia – which still exists today – means that it’s not always safe to approach somebody about being interested in the same-sex.
Many of us internalize homophobia. We can subconsciously view ourselves as inferior for being into women. We might not have the confidence to straight up ask a woman if she’s into women either, even when it is technically “safe” to do so.
As much as you can’t know a woman’s into women without her telling you, you also can’t know who’s homophobic until it’s too late. Some of the worst homophobia I’ve experienced has been from city-dwelling “queer”-identified 20-somethings with blue hair.
So program these signs into your gaydar!
Who she follows/what she posts on social media.
There are factors to consider when it comes to this one. Firstly, if her profile is private, ask yourself if it is weird or awkward to add her. Otherwise, this one’s quite simple. If she’s following a tonne of celesbians or lesbian history profiles then it’s pretty clear she’s into women. If she’s posting a pride march she went to, why are you even reading this? Slide in those DMs! Yeah she could be a straight ally, but that also means she shouldn’t be homophobic towards you for approaching anyway.
Short nails
I know many think this is outdated. I can hear some of you saying “but femmes!” and sure, some femmes have long nails. But it’s a fact that many lesbians keep their nails short. It’s not just because of what we do during sex, either, but because lesbians want to signal their lesbianism! They want to date or hook up and, because it can be hard to find another lesbian in the wild – not all of us live in LA – we can’t risk anyone mistaking our long nails for being straight.
Being less conforming to gender expectations
This one’s specific to lesbians. We’re not trying to attract men so we’re often less conforming to what they find hot. Yes, we don’t get to opt out of the male gaze. The pornographic fetishisation of lesbians is proof it affects us in different and/or additional ways. But lesbians tend to be much more assertive, dress more comfortably, and be more outspoken because, overall, women don’t expect the same adherence to femininity in order to find you attractive.
This is a safe way to gauge the likelihood a woman is lesbian or bisexual. If she says “The L Word,” or “Ammonite,” or “Tegan and Sara,” then it’s likely she’s a lesbian or bisexual. She’s clearly open about discussing homosexuality and might even be keen to hangout if you share the same interests. Where you ask this also matters: if she’s at work or jogging or on some other mission then perhaps look for the more subtle signs.
Symbols
Here’s where our history and culture plays an important role. Research the signs. I’ve heard Gen Z sapphics find each other through mushroom earrings. A labrys symbol on her clothing or accessories is almost certainly a lesbian, or an unknowing straight woman who went to an op shop near a lesbian commune and didn’t know any better. The ♀️ symbol alone could be a sign she’s a feminist. But two ♀️ ♀️ overlapping traditionally means lesbianism.
The desire to have “proof” that a woman’s into women before shooting your shot is natural. However, these signs aren’t surefire. As someone who’s “come-out crush” was a gender non-conforming straight work colleague with short spiky blonde hair and rainbow stars tattood up her arm, use the signs with caution.
If anything, focus on vibes. They are much more linked to the all-important gut instinct than the superficial, such as “does the fact she wear Birkenstocks and has 7 cats make her a lesbian?”
Got a question for the lesbian experts? Email [email protected].
This column is not a substitute for psychiatric or medical advice. AfterEllen staff are writers, not therapists.
