I recently broke up with my first-ever girlfriend. I’m in my 20s, came out relatively “late” and had never been (figuratively or literally) with anyone until this gal. We were together for several months, and had lots of fun times.
I began to notice incompatibility issues and communication problems and wanted to break up with her but wasn’t sure how. I spent two weeks crying and worrying and not sleeping because I was so afraid of hurting her. I texted asking if we could go for a walk, and she must have known something was up because she responded by jumping the gun, breaking up with me over text, and refusing to grant my request to talk in person.
I was honestly shocked–I found her texts to be incredibly immature and dishonest. I know her motivations were rooted in her own insecurities and hurt from past breakups, but I still found this entire scenario very selfish. I wasn’t allowed to say anything that I wanted, and do it in person, and I still don’t feel like I have a lot of closure. I’ve tried to cool off and cheer up over the past few days, and I’m nearly there, but I need help becoming less angry and hurt, and more understanding. I have just now started to realize that I think she has Asperger’s, which would explain a lot of things. Is it bad of me to diagnose her with something in order to help myself move on? I wanted to be so adult-like and civil during the whole break up, and I didn’t even get the chance. And I don’t know how to process what happened. She wants to remain “friendly,” but I don’t know what that means, and I’m very confused by everything. Do I just need to cut my losses?
Anna says: Well, she sounds like a douche-canoe, but I would resist the urge to diagnose her (admittedly childish) behavior, even if it makes you feel slightly better about the nasty breakup. There’s no need to pathologize her when “asshole” will do just fine.
I also don’t see much point to trying to be friends with someone who feels that a text breakup is acceptable and then aborts all contact when you try to have an actual conversation about your months-long relationship. If she can’t be adult enough to deal with a conflict of this caliber, it won’t bode well for any kind of sustainable friendship down the road either. I’m confused about how she would even ask you to be her friend if she won’t speak to you. I’m envisioning a strange game of breakup charades where, every time it’s your turn, she just leaves the room and never comes back.
Cut your losses and be glad you got out before things had the chance to get really ugly. And in general, taking the high road is always better in the long run. I applaud your efforts to be fair-minded in the face of her emotional immaturity. Unfortunately for you (and civilization as a whole), there are no trophies or hugs from the Dalai Lama handed out for being a good person. But here’s an ((((((internet hug))))))!
I’ve had folks disappear on me post-breakup, and it’s definitely a jarring experience. It leaves you with a lot of questions, a lot of lingering doubts, and frustration at the borrowed books you’ll never see again. As I’ve said before about “missappearing” and (its male equivalent, “manishing”):
“You could drive yourself crazy theorizing why your beau disappeared, but I’d recommend you do that as little as possible. [Her] disappearance is not about you–it’s [her] immature and cowardly way of dealing with [her] own issues, which I’m sure are plentiful. Does this knowledge help you feel less terrible about being shrugged off? Probably not. But you don’t need [her] explanations in order to have closure. Closure is something we cultivate on our own, like a Chia pet….Remind yourself that, even though the months you spent together may have been great, in the long run, you deserve far better.”
If she decides she wants to have an in-person conversation with you about your relationship somewhere down the road, then it’s up to you if you want to grant her that chance and possibly move things toward the direction of “friendly.” But you’re probably better off without.
I’ve been dating a wonderful boy for 6 months now, and he’s pretty awesome and I love him and I trust him and it’s all pretty great. But about a month ago (thanks to a gender and sexuality course I’m taking) I realized that I’m actually bi, which I always kind of knew but studiously avoided admitting to myself, let alone other people. Ever since, I’ve been REALLY wanting to hook up with another girl–I just really want to explore my sexuality (and who can blame me? Girls are hot). I was toying with the idea of convincing my boyfriend to try a threesome, but when I came out to him, before I ever said anything about it, he told me he didn’t want any part of that. So now I just feel really conflicted–I love my boyfriend, and I would never cheat on him, but I am also increasingly frustrated by how much I want to have a sexual experience with a girl. Am I just stuck, or is there some clever solution to all of this?-Bi with a Boyfriend
Anna says: Girls are hot. It’s true. And so is cleverness, but there’s no way to MacGyver your way out of this situation, I’m afraid. Basically what you have to do is decide whether your pretty great monogamous relationship outweighs your desires to play naked Canasta with girls. If it does, then you’ll have to back-burner those desires for the time being (until either you break up, or negotiate different terms of your relationship). Most people break up, so it’s quite possible your lady-boning will have the chance to blossom anyway, but right now it seems like things with your wonderful dude are going pretty wonderfully, and why would you want to compromise that?
It’s also possible that you might be able to convince your boyfriend to let you experiment, if not in a threesome, then on your own perhaps. You might want to reiterate how wonderful he is and how much you enjoy being with him, and to assuage any insecurities he might have at the thought of you sleeping with another person. But, after you’ve had that good talk, if he’s still not into the idea, then you’ll have to drop it. You can’t always have your cake and eat her too, as the saying goes.
I don’t know what to do about making friends with gay people. I have been a lesbian for 11 years but am not out. Quite a few people know but way more DON’T know. I know of quite a few lesbians, friends of friends, and what not. When I try to reach out, mention hanging out, similar interests, etc. they are always nice but then it stops there. None of them know I am a lesbian (except maybe one after a road trip we went on and I kept playing Macklemore, Tegan and Sara, and Melissa Etheridge) and as bad as I want to be friends with them, open up to them and everything, none of them are having ANY of it. We hang out with similar people but yet they basically don’t give me the time of day.
To be clear, they are very friendly girls but I think they just have no idea I am gay because I don’t really look like it at all and I hang out with a bunch of straight girls who talk about guys or who are married and have children. The other thing is I am worried if I try TOO hard they will think I am hitting on them (all of them have girlfriends). I live in a small city where everyone knows everyone and there isn’t much of an LGBT group. Most lesbians around here are either too young or too old for me. It’s just so frustrating that I try to be friends with these girls, who are around my age (24). We play sports together, hang out in the same groups, go to the same concerts, but they just won’t go for it. I NEED HELP. I am really wanting gay friends, people I can relate to and talk to about this stuff.-Sad in Saskatchewan
Anna says: Come out, SIS! Not to the world, if you’re not comfortable with that, but at the very least come out to the lesbians you hang out with but aren’t exactly friends with (I admit I’m a little confused by your precise social situation). Coming out to other lesbians is the easiest coming out of all, I assure you. And unless they are all big narcissists, they won’t assume that you’re hitting on them simply because you like vaginas.
I’ll make it even easier. Just come out to the one lesbian you think you’d get along with most, and start from there. Go up to her after rugby practice or whatever and be like, “Hey, you seem awesome. I’m looking for new friends at the moment and would be stoked to get together sometime and rank Tegan and Sara’s hairstyles throughout the years (or equivalent activity).” When you’re hanging out, just drop a gay reference into the conversation. “My ex-girlfriend was always on Team Mullet.” And voila, you’ll have come out to your new gay friend.
When you say they “just won’t go for it,” do you mean they aren’t going out of their way to invite you to their Glee-watching parties? Or are you asking them to have frappuccinos with you and they are declining your offers? My guess is it’s the former, and that you might have to put yourself out on a limb in order to get the ball rolling. Sometimes we have to put forth a little extra effort at the start of a new friendship. It’s also possible that your social cues have been too subtle, hence being direct will work best in your favor.
If, however, you are being direct and getting rebuffed, then it might be that you just don’t click with your small circle of lesbian acquaintances, and you’ll need to cast the net wider. Remember too that while gay friends are awesome, sharing a sexual orientation isn’t a necessary prerequisite for BFFdom. In that vein, look for people that share your common interests, are open-minded, and get you. Most of my good friends are straight (or bi), and while it’s true that they don’t always get my L Word references, their sexuality hasn’t greatly impacted our ability to play Words With Friends.
AfterEllen readers, how have you gone about making gay friends? Do you have strategies? Meeting places? Platonic pick-up lines? Share your experiences in the comments.Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].
