The Hook Up: Addressing the “lesbians hate men” stereotype

I met this wonderful and amazing girl from another country. Note: I live somewhere in Scandinavia and she lives in France. We messaged each other every day and it went on like that for a while, but then I started to get depressed and it got more and more awful, because at some point I didn’t want to go out of my home. So I kinda said to her that I need time for myself and we would see each other later in life.

Half a year passed, maybe more and then I knew I am probably in love with her and I miss her soooo much. At that time she was with another woman, who treated her really bad. I helped her emotionally via email and she broke up with her. So this summer we finally decided that it was time for us to meet. I flew to see her on her birthday. It was the happiest I’ve ever been and it was just a wonderful time spent together. We decided we were gonna give it a shot.

What happened was that when I came home, I had a lot of work to do and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. I couldn’t message her so often and I really wasn’t at the computer or the phone so often. Every day she got mad at me for not messaging and she couldn’t understand that I needed to do my work. And when I got a day off, talked to her all day, it felt like it was going nowhere. And that is how she responded to me. After two weeks or so she messaged me this long email saying she can’t go on like this, that I don’t give her enough attention. So we fought over a couple of messages and she said that it’s over.

Two months have passed and I feel empty. I feel like I need her in my life, no matter what. I tried to message her about giving us a second chance,so far she hasn’t responded. I feel so strongly about this that I want to leave school and go live with her in another country, with a different language that I don’t know, but somehow work with it just to be with her. I know I’ve hurt her, but I need to know what to do. I’m hopeless.—The Geek

Anna says: Oh honey, I want to wrap you up in an internet hug and shake you firmly but gently. And tell you no to everything. No, you aren’t hopeless. No, you shouldn’t leave school and fly to another country for a girl who dumped you and is ignoring you. No, you don’t need her in your life. I know how it is to feel that way, but you’re still grieving and not thinking clearly. You are not empty. You are full of goodness and light and love.

Please read some of these past columns about heartache, but know also that this girl is not for you. If you having your own life and work caused her to feel “neglected” and break up with you, that’s a serious red flag. And while you may be suffering now, I assure you it will pass because all things pass, even those big gut-punchy emotions like emptiness and loss and apathy and anger. Take that restless energy you have from your past relationship and reinvest in what matters most to you—whatever that may be.

I was talking with my girlfriend recently about those relationships that end before they get a chance to start, and how those are sometimes the hardest to get over. Your long-distance love affair reminds me of this. They’re difficult because they hinge on possibility, an infinite potential, and none of the ordinary muck of long-term relationships—the fights, the quiet, the ebb and flow, the splitting the cable bill, etc. Relationships that never get much of a start are a kind of escape, they seem always to offer more. But we need to wade in the muck eventually; it’s what sustains us. So hitch up your boots, my friend, and join us. The muck is mucky but it won’t kill you, I promise.

p.s. Don’t move to France.

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at