Archive

The Hook Up: Not wanting to get married

I had two serious relationship that failed badly-one during marriage (which bitterly ended) and the other just before. Both times with men. Then I met this amazing woman who made me rethink all that I thought I was. We went through the adversities of having to come out to my family and friends, a brief breakup, did the friends-with-benefits thing, but eventually realized we loved each other enough to give us another chance. We’ve been living together close to 10 years and things are going well overall.

GF and I had “discussions” about marriage-she wants to and I don’t really see the point. Before you get upset with me, I support same-sex marriage and equality for all. This is about my doubts about whether getting married again is a good idea. I just don’t think I want to do it again. The last time we talked about it, I ended up hurting her feelings. In my frustration, I told her I’m just making things easier if she decides to leave me again. I regretted it as soon as it came out of my mouth. We haven’t talked about marriage since then.

Our relationship is still the same, which I’m not sure is good or a bad thing. We’re neither moving forward or backwards; sometimes I don’t think we’re moving at all. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her, I’m pretty sure of that. I cannot imagine myself being with anybody else. And I know she loves me, too. But lately, she’s been really busy with work that we don’t find a lot of time together. I miss those days when we’d run off somewhere just because. I miss those little things she did before she got too busy. I miss her romancing me. She’s so busy sometimes I have to check with her assistant if we can dine out.

I know we should sit down and talk but I’m afraid to ask her what’s going on because I may not like the answer. I have a feeling my “aversion to marriage” (her words, not mine) is part of the reason why we are in this state. I don’t like how things are with us right now but I don’t want to marry her just to end the bickering. To complicate things, I met this other woman through work who’s been showering me with attention I didn’t know I was craving until now. I like the attention but I’m pretty sure it will not lead me to cheat.

Sometimes I am tempted to tell GF about the other woman, just to give her a jolt. But I don’t want to hurt her because there really is nothing going on. Should I just give in and marry her? She knew how I felt about marrying again before we moved in together and told me she loves everything about me, emotional scars and all. I just don’t understand why it’s becoming a big deal now. Am I being unreasonable? Not sure if it matters but we’re about the same age in our 40s.-Not Wanting to Marry

Anna Says: Dear Not Wanting, There’s a lot going on here, so let’s see if we can get to it piece by piece, starting with the “other woman” because it’s easiest. You should talk about her with your girlfriend, but not to manipulate her or “give her a jolt” as you said. Instead you should bring it up in order to address the underlying issuethat you miss her and the attention she provides, and want to spend more time with her. The goal isn’t to inspire jealousy or make your partner insecure, which would solve nothing, but to get at the core of things.

You wrote: “I know we should sit down and talk but I’m afraid to ask her what’s going on because I may not like the answer.” But what’s the alternative, sugar shoes? To passively avoid all unpleasant conversations from now until you die? I think we both know that you need to have a heart-to-heart with your partner, and that you try not to view such conversations as a wedge driving you apart or making you say regretful things, but to see them as they are: vehicles for honesty and vulnerability and mutual respect and compromise. In other words, these conversations are key to your survival as a couple.

OK, marriage. You’re not into it, and that’s totally fine. My girlfriend’s not into it. Jon Hamm‘s not into it. It’s your choice, and it doesn’t make you weird or a cultural pariah or anything (seriously, why would I be “upset” with you? Girl, I got your back! That’s why The Hook Up exists. That and to house my increasingly large collection of lesbian-themed puns.) I will say that it would be preposterous for you to get married to “end the bickering,” as you say. That would probably make a good Someecard, but in terms of a decades-long commitment, it’s not a reliable life plan.

When my girlfriend and I have talked about marriage, (and by “talked” I mean me trying to convince her otherwise) I was forced to parse out why exactly I was so enamored with the institution, and honestly many of my reasons were laughableI really want a gravy boat shaped like a turkey, but I don’t want to pay for it myself. I want you to have this talk (or several) with your girlfriend. I want you to ask her what it is about marriage that she craves and what about it is meaningful to her and to then see if you can find other ways to attain those things without the contract with the government.

For instance, most people into marriage want some kind of ceremony. You get to declare your love in front of everyone who is important to you and eat cake. It’s a pretty good deal. But you don’t need a marriage to have a party. Hell, you can even have a gift registry. Who’s going to stop you? Not Crate and Barrel, that’s for sure.

What else? Is it the symbolism? Does she want a ring that serves as a visual reminder of your love and commitment? No problem, you also don’t need a marriage certificate for that. Does she want to ensure that she won’t lose your house if one of you should die? Does she want to get on your health insurance plan? This is somewhat more complicated, but you can get a lawyer involved to find out what legal rights you have in certain situations and how you might go about protecting each other from certain losses. Does she want to refer to you as her “wife”? Again, no paper needed, though as we’ve talked about previously with civil unions, naming conventions have their place. (I’m still on Team Jiggety Jigsaw).

The point is, when people say “marriage,” they often mean something else entirely, or many somethings. There are, of course, legit and important reasons for wanting to involve the government in your relationshipif your partner is seeking citizenship, for instance, or parental custody of your children — but in your case, it seems like the piece of paper would be more or less a detail. Can you and your partner find a way to reach across the aisle without having to walk down one?

I’m betting you can, with a little creativity and a lot of trust. Are you up for it?

For more on marriage, check out these Hook Up columns.

Hello. So I’ve started a dating profile on OkCupid. Finally met a nice woman on it. We were messaging on the website for a week, then we started texting. We have been texting for four days now. At what point should I call? How long after talking should I suggest we meet? Or should I just let things happen organically? Please help.-In Need of Online Direction

Anna Says: Dear INOOD, Opinions vary of course, especially among lesbians, but I’m of the mind that online dating is simply a conduit, much like a bar, or the caulking aisle at Home Depot, and that once initial contact has been made, you should get to know each other elsewhere as soon as possible.

Since OkCupid is pretty limited in terms of what you can actually learn about a person, I think people should meet pretty much immediately, and not solely because it saves everyone a lot of time. In the past, I wasted much time composing witty emails, inquiring about the habits of their pet Corgis, and glancing at the same five pictures repeatedly only to learn within 15 minutes of meeting them that it was never going to work out. Another time, this chick wanted to not only message for three weeks, but also G-chat screen me before she’d even consider meeting me for coffee. I told her that wasn’t my usual style but I’d give it a shot and she never wrote me back anyway. Another time, I messaged and texted this girl 20 times before she told me she was afraid to meet anyone in person. Afraid of what? That you’ll burn your mouth on the coffee? That you’ll waste 45 minutes learning inane details about a stranger and then move on with your life? She stopped texting shortly after that.

All of these interactions served to reinforce my belief that you can’t beat the real thing. There are thousands of little signals, mannerisms, quirks, and pheromones that can never come across in an electronic exchange, but which will be immediately obvious IRL. I want to know what your laugh sounds like and whether you touch your neck when you’re nervous and if your hands are cold like mine. I want to know if you talk more than listen, if your laugh is big or subdued, and to wonder if what I’m feeling is a spark or if it’s just the wine. You can’t glean any of that from an email. Unless you’re drinking while emailing, in which case it’s the wine.

You’ve been communicating with your lady for about two weeks now. I’d say it’s time to bite the bullet and meet. You mention letting it happen organically but I’m not even sure what that would look like. Do you want to somehow magically show up at the same time and place without first planning it? You “met” on a dating site. The presumption is that you want to go on a date. In order to go on a date, someone’s gotta ask. So ask! It can be text or phone; that doesn’t matter so much.

So hop to it. Don’t think too much. Pick a location (I like going for walks because it’s free and it’s not stagnant like sitting still for coffee. Besides you can always go somewhere else if the date’s going well), take a shower, put on an outfit that makes you feel confident, and go do something scary for an hour. Find out if your texting rapport translates in the flesh. I appear to be betting a lot in this week’s column, but I think you’ve got this. You just need one little push, so consider this a shove of love from me to you.

Best of luck!

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your The Hook Up questions at [email protected].

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button