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The Hook Up: Dealing with uncertainty and how to get laid on a deadline

English is not my first language, so bear with me. I met this girl on Tinder. We had great conversation, a goodnight kiss, and stuff like that. We found out that we don’t live in the same city, so we thought that this would be a one-night thing, but she stayed for three more days and we had a wonderful time. After that I went to her city twice and she came to mine twice. Everything was going really, really great. She is an extremely busy woman, so I try to be respectful about that and I think I am doing pretty OK. She was texting me every morning, we were saying sweet and nice stuff to each other, so I was feeling pretty good.

I know that she was in a five-year relationship and it ended six months before we met, which drives me crazy a little because I don’t wanna end up as a rebound. She told me that there will always be emotional side of her that I will never see. Also, I told her that if she ever stops feeling the way she feels, I want her to tell me, and she told me that she can’t do that because she hates confrontations. So I live with this fear now.

But she also told me that I’m not just sex for her, that I met all of her friends (true), and this is a big thing for her and she wants to take our time and see what happens. It doesn’t sound like anything bad, I know, but it seems like everything became very casual.

I am going again this week, so I kind of want to tell her that I feel very close to her now and that I like her. The problem is I’m not feeling so OK with the casual thing. How can I bring the fire back, without looking like some in love fool that’s-Craving Attention

Dear Craving, You’re not some love fool. You’re in a new, budding, maybe-heading-toward-serious-but-maybe-not relationship with a gal who lives in another city. Of course you’re confused. Of course you’re angsty. Of course you’re not sure where it’s headed because none of us do in those heady, early days of getting to know someone, and that’s just part of the whole drill, I’m afraid. The anticipation and uncertainty and the highest highs when you get that sweet text from her and the lowest lows when she doesn’t respond right away.

In that vein, yes yes yes, please do tell her how you feel. Tell her that you’re not so into being casual with her and listen to what she says. But also be prepared to hear that, as a “super busy” lady who lives far away from you, “casual” might be all she can offer you at the moment. If that is or eventually becomes a circumstance that hurts you too much (and it sounds like it might) then you might want to end things before your heart really swells and you fall off the deep end.

The kind of ecstasy and deflation that early-relationship intoxication creates is unsustainable. I’m not sure if that’s what you mean by getting the “fire back,” but it’s possible you’re moving into a more mellow compatibility, which is what you want. Or, it’s possible also that sustaining that fire is hard to do when you don’t know someone all that well and she lives far away from you. Either way, I encourage you to bring it up in your feelings talk.

Really, though, it sounds like things are headed in the right direction, but that you probably need a little more assurance from her because you’re not near her very often. I would ask for that. Explicitly. Asking for a little validation and reassurance doesn’t make you an attention whore or needy-it makes you totally human, which you are. Probably. Or you’re the smartest, most self-aware chinchilla who’s ever learned to email.

And don’t worry TOO much about her fear of confrontation. It’s a little alarming that she said that, yes, but very few of us handle confrontation well, even if we THINK we would react a certain way in a certain situation. The best we can do is to talk to each other if or when something feels not right. But don’t start the relationship with the fear or assumption that she will hurt you or that her feelings for you will suddenly diminish. You don’t know what will happen! But those kinds of negative thoughts have a tendency to become self-fulfilling prophecies if left unchecked. This isn’t to say you should blindly ignore every potential red flag, just that you should try to remain neutral (or hell, optimistic) until you have more information.

It’s OK, Craving. You’re doing all right. Keep on giving it your best and keep on loving those who give their love back to you. That’s the best any of us can do, no matter the outcome.

I’m 21, and this spring I finally came out to my closest friends. I had my first heartbreak recently over a straight roommate of mine. Now that that is completely over and I accept the experience for what it was, I’m trying to better understand my sexuality and I am having very little luck meeting/dating other lesbians.

I’ve tried Tinder (chatted with a handful of women and went on a date with a girl who wanted to go back to my place after a movie but I decided not to take her up on it because she didn’t look enough like her pictures), OkCupid, Match, Her, Soul Swipe (Black Tinder), POF, drag bars, etc. Nothing.

There’s also a more time-sensitive element to it. I’m leaving for basic combat training for the Army in a few months and while, obviously, you don’t join the military strictly for the purpose of meeting your future spouse, I do acknowledge that I will encounter A LOT of different people and would like to be a little more … experienced.

Help! I love your articles and really hope you can help this list baby dyke get on the right paths to discovering more lovely lady parts. Godspeed.-Batman

Dear Batman … is something I never thought I would write, on the internet or otherwise,

Congrats on coming out and on having your crushing-straight-girl-experience early on. Hopefully, it will help to strengthen your resolve to not go down that path too often. (HOPEFULLY.)

But. That is in the past and you’re interested in NOW.

If you want to get laid, but you are short on time, then you have to HUSTLE, Batman. And you have to be incredibly proactive. Have you been? Have you been explicit and flirtatious and boldly, extravagantly daring? Because that is often what it takes.

You might be spreading yourself too thin. What I would do is pick one or two dating/hook up sites-the ones that have gotten you the most traction-and pour your energy into those. Write to six ladies at a time. Approach and talk to every attractive lady at the queer bar you see. SWIPE LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SWIPED BEFORE. If you want to get action, you’ve got to BE active. Treat it like a part-time job and you’ll soon reap the rewards.

Will you hear some “no’s” with this kind of relentless strategy? Yes! Probably a lot! But if five no’s leads to one yes, then hallelujer. Or “mission accomplished” if you prefer. The key is to keep at it, and not to let rejection slow you down. (Remember that not every lady will want to jump in your pants immediately. Some lesbians take MONTHS to warm up. But you’ll want to bypass these ladies because you’re short on time, so this is preferred.) Be the most outgoing you’ve ever been. (For more tips on learning to be confident/faking it, read this and this). Take chances. Take risks. Talk to ladies you might not be super compatible with in the long run. Treat the next few months as a Seduction Bootcamp. Test yourself. Compete with yourself (or with friends if you’re both into that). Be the hot gaydy that doesn’t give a fuck. Embody confidence and desire and it will come back to you tenfold.

Also, do not overlook friends you already know who might be queer/bicurious. Comb your friend list and do some flirting to see how she responds. If she seems receptive, take her out for drinks. You might have a friend-with-benefits right under your nose and not know it. Obviously this is trickier territory, but if you’re leaving soon, chances are it won’t get too awkward if things go sour. As an experienced dyke, I can tell you that most of my sexual liaisons (especially in my 20s) were with people whom I considered “friends” first. I will also tell you that THAT DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK OUT WELL. But, if it’s someone worth being around, then the friendship will be OK eventually.

Lastly, if you find that this short time span is not enough to get you THE MOST LAID, don’t despair. I agree that you’ll probably meet a TON of queer women in the Army. I’ve never been in the military, but my friends who have been/are in the military get laid so often that I sometimes question my life choices, pacifist that I am.

So don’t worry about “experience.” As I’ve said before, “Confidence comes from within, not from what goes in you.”

And remember: You are vengeance. You are the night. You are Batman.

Anna is a freelance writer in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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