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The Hook Up: “I want monogamy and she doesn’t. Are we doomed?”

I’ve been dating a swell girl for four months. We’re at a crossroads now. Why? Because I want to be exclusive and she wants to date other people. Are we doomed?-Monogamy Or Not, Otherwise Great

Dear MONOG,

Quite possibly! Generally when two people don’t want the same things in a relationship that relationship will end sooner or later. For instance, if one wants to get married and the other doesn’t. If one wants kids and the other doesn’t. If one loves Game of Thrones and the other can’t possibly see what the big fuss about dragons could possibly be, Eileen!

It’s hard for me to tell from your short letter, MONOG, but here’s a tiny bit of encouragement. I was super into monogamy when I started dating my current girlfriend, and she was not. We decided to fall in love anyway, like idiots, and not worry too much about the repercussions.

About two years into our relationship, I discovered that I wasn’t actually all that into monogamy after all, and we opened that door a tiny bit. When that proved to be okay, we opened it a little bit further, established boundaries and rules, and tentatively and respectfully went about our merry, slutty ways.

While our relationship is more “ajar” than full-blown-skirt-swaying-in-the-breeze open, if you had asked me four months into our tryst, I probably would have said I didn’t want to be in an open relationship. And yet, here I am.

People can and do change. This isn’t across the board, of course, and sometimes people change in ways that don’t always thrill our partners. What I would do is have a good long talk with your girlfriend and find out where your hard lines are when it comes to being together. What will you absolutely not compromise on? What would maybe be okay in the right circumstances? What are you fine with? You might find that there’s more middle ground for you to work with than you think. You also might find that she simply needs more time to figure things out (or that you need more time).

If, after this talk, it seems like you’re not as compatible as you previously thought, it might be time to cut the cord and spare yourselves the anguish. But I hope that’s not the case.

Best of luck, MONOG.

illlustration by Natasha Miren Terbraak

It’s been months since she dumped me and I haven’t gone on a single date. Am I still in love with my ex because I haven’t met anyone worthwhile yet, or have I not been attracted to anyone because I’m still in love with my ex?-Ex-Factor

Dear EF,

You are taking this “processing” thing real serious, aren’t you?

You could analyze this kind of chicken-or-egg causality dilemma to death, but it won’t do you much good-except perhaps to slowly drive your friends crazy.

Are you really still in love with your ex or are you merely having a tough time recovering from a serious breakup? And, while we’re at it, are you abiding by the Hook Up Rules for Slightly Less Shitty Breakups? If not, pop on over and read them. I’ll chillax here.

Good? Good. What I think is happening is this: It’s taking you longer than you thought it would take to get over your ex and it’s freaking you out. You feel that you SHOULD be over her by now and on to the next phase of ghey-lady dating and spooning and forking the days and nights away. But that’s not happening.

In many ways, you probably AREN’T entirely over her, even though you realize that you were wrong for each other. And that’s okay. There’s no “correct” way to heal from a breakup, and there’s certainly no set time period. So don’t force it. If you’re not into dating, don’t.

Focus on other aspects of your life that need tending. Learn to macrame or how to yoga with your cat or write touching pen pal letters to prisoners. Live your life as if being in a relationship isn’t the sole reason we get out of bed each morning. Because it’s not. Far from it.

And try not to debate endlessly with yourself over hypotheticals. If you find yourself wallowing in stuckness, go out and do something nice for five people. They can be friends or strangers, and the gestures can be impromptu or organized. Tell an old teacher how much you learned from them. Take your mom out for tapas just because. Compliment a stranger on her bitchin’ cowboy boots. Volunteer. Just get out of that mad bubble of the mind for a while and make other people feel good about themselves. It works wonders to relieve some of the ache and gets us moving.

You’re gonna be great, in your own time and on your own terms. Don’t rush it.

Why do I get so jealous when my girlfriend likes a hot girl’s picture on Instagram? Am I just being petty?-Anon.

Dear Anon.,

Petty? A little. Insecure? Most likely. I mean, is your girlfriend doing this all day or something? Are these “hot girls” also her friends? Or does she follow random strangers because they post numerous duck-face-plus-bikini pics?

Either way, you should aim to figure out what’s the core emotion underneath the jealousy, and then work on addressing that with your partner. Do you need to be told you’re desired more often? Do either of you have trust issues that could be sussed out? Are you dealing with any body-image worries of late? Determine the root cause of the bad feelings, because odds are that two-dimensional photos of ladies aren’t your real concern.

Anna is a freelance writer in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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