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Lesbianing with AE! This Week: You Slept With Your Friend’s New Girl, and You’re Sick of Dodging Unicorn Requests

Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you steer clear of straight couples seeking threesomes and avoid dyke drama when it turns out you slept with your friend’s new lady.

A good friend of mine has a new girlfriend, and I just realized when she showed me her picture that it’s someone I slept with at Pride last year. I kind of froze up in the moment and didn’t say anything, but should I tell my friend before she brings the new girl to hang out with us, and it’s hella awkward all around? Our queer community is pretty small so it’s not like it’s unheard of — my girlfriend is the ex of another friend — but I feel like the moment to own up passed, and now I feel really dumb.

– Frozen

Hey Frozen,

You said it yourself: Your small queer community IS tiny, and this type of thing is definitely not unheard of. So there’s really no problem here except the one you’re making by worrying about what to say. I promise you, this is going to be less awkward than you’re imagining and you will feel much better when you disclose.

Your friend deserves to know you hooked up with her new girl, so yeah, you should tell your friend before she brings the new girl to brunch.

It sounds like your hookup was a casual thing, so I’d recommend you not make a big deal out of disclosing. Don’t dramatically tell your friend “we need to talk” or draw her aside at a group hangout and make it sound like you’re going to unveil major drama.

If you treat this like dyke drama, your friend could overreact, but if you treat it like a minor thing that happened (like, so minor you honestly forgot it even happened – you’re such a spaz!) then she’s less likely to get upset, and you can all move on, like grownups.

Don’t make a big deal out of disclosing. Don’t tell her “we need to talk” or draw her aside at a group hangout and make it sound like you’re going to unveil some major drama. If you treat this like dyke drama, your friend could overreact, but if you treat it like a minor thing that happened (like, so minor you honestly forgot it even happened – you’re such a spaz!) then she’s less likely to get upset, and you can all move on, like grownups.

Don’t forget — the new gal pal could make the same disclosure, especially if she’s Facebook stalking all your friend’s pictures and recognizes you. Would you rather her tell your buddy, “Um, that girl you’re posing with at the pop-up queer bar? Yeah, so … I slept with her at Pride last year.”

So if you’re still wringing your hands over coming clean, please stop. The sooner you bring it up, the sooner you’ll all be in the clear.

Just tell your friend the next time you’re hanging out, “This might be a little weird, but after you showed me your new girlfriend’s picture I realized we had a thing last year.” Thing is a nice vague word for your disclosure that protects everyone’s feelings, but if you’re more of a straightforward person, then say, “we had sex” or “we slept together” so there’s no misconception that a thing could mean “I asked her out and she said no” or “we drunkenly made out at the club but I forgot to get her number.”

Then leave it to your buddy to ask questions – or not. Some people really don’t want to know those details while others want to know exactly where/what/when/ it happened down to the positions, location, and number of orgasms so it’s burned in their brain forevermore (I know… who wants to know that? Some people).

If your friend gets upset, don’t take it personally. It came as a surprise (and it would still have been a total surprise if you disclosed when she showed you the new girl’s pic, so don’t let her guilt you over timing). She might be squicked out, but she’ll get over it with time.

If things get to the point where you’re all hanging out, be polite and friendly, like you would with any friend’s new partner. Rather than awkwardly apologize or bring it up in person, get to know the new girl. If you partied and hooked up at Pride, there probably wasn’t much talking going on. Maybe you’ll develop a lovely friendship out of all this, who knows?

And finally, tell your girlfriend (if you haven’t already) so if things do get awkward at any point, there’s someone who can rescue you.

NEXT PAGE: NOT YOUR UNICORN!

I have an OKCupid profile, and I keep getting messaged by hetero couples looking for a unicorn. I’m not sure why this is happening, and it’s frustrating enough that it’s making me lose my enthusiasm for online dating. I am a kind of sporty looking femme, and I’m attracted to MOC lesbians and FTMs, but I have zero interested in being some straight couple’s third. Mostly I’m venting, but I’m also open to any serious suggestions you have on how to stop getting messages about threesomes. It’s getting to the point where I’m considering deactivating my OKCupid account, even though I’ve had a lot of success using the site to find partners.

-Not Your Unicorn

NYU,

I’m sorry you keep getting asked to be a unicorn (aka, the willing third in a straight couple’s threesome).

Data from OKCupid shows that 24 percent of the site’s users self-report wanting a group sex experience and 42 percent of OKC users say they would date someone in an open or poly relationship. Both of these figures represent an 8 percent boost from one year earlier.

So maybe this really isn’t about you at all – as frustrating as that may sound. Maybe for every four women the couple messages, they figure one would be up for a FFM threesome.

While you’re getting spammed with unicorn offers as a result of the demographic shift, you can either take it personally (what you’re doing atm) or not.

Maybe there’s something in your profile that’s suggesting you’d be open to a threesome? For instance, if you have profile pics with a transguy or MOC queer lady who passes for male, they might think it’s you with a male ex and assume they have a shot?

If you assume it’s personal — and there’s something about your profile that suggests you’re down to be a unicorn — then it becomes a process of tweaking your profile fields, pics, and what you’re looking for to make yourself less attracting to pesky couples without turning off the folks you actively want to date.

If you don’t already have a disclaimer, add one that says you’re not on OKC to fuck a straight couple. Here’s some inspiration on that front.

If you’re using they/them pronouns in describing your ideal match, replace them with she/her pronouns.

OKCupid *does* have a new option to hide your profile from straight users. If you haven’t enabled it, that can cut down on the spam that’s bugging you. But many straight couples hoping to find a third on OKCupid will create a “couple profile” where they themselves as bisexual — I guess under the funky logic that if you sleep with one guy plus one lady you’re sleeping with a bi person? — so this won’t help you avoid all threesome requests, unless you also remove bisexual from the category of folks you’re looking for.

If that’s what you want to do for a while, have at it. I’m a fan of taking breaks from dating strategies that aren’t working for you and tweaking your approach to online dating in general, and you’re not a bad queer if you need to block bi ladies for a bit to gain back some sanity.

Just remember, removing bi from your preferences might prevent some cute ladies who you’d totally click with from being able to reach you, so you’ll need to be more proactive in your use of the dating site.

If you assume it’s not personal — i.e., these couples are messaging every chick who self-id’s as unstraight in the hopes of finding their unicorn — then there’s nothing to do but accept it as a part of online dating, and pay the price, however reluctantly.

If you aren’t using other online dating sites, now’s a perfect time to try a lesbian dating app (here’s a roundup of our faves) and see if your results differ there.

Good luck!

Lindsey writes about lesbian drama, relationships, and LGBTQ culture. Keep up with her at @wordhack, or send a sex advice question to [email protected] and write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

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