Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you steer clear of straight couples seeking threesomes and avoid dyke drama when it turns out you slept with your friend’s new lady.
A good friend of mine has a new girlfriend, and I just realized when she showed me her picture that it’s someone I slept with at Pride last year. I kind of froze up in the moment and didn’t say anything, but should I tell my friend before she brings the new girl to hang out with us, and it’s hella awkward all around? Our queer community is pretty small so it’s not like it’s unheard of — my girlfriend is the ex of another friend — but I feel like the moment to own up passed, and now I feel really dumb.
You said it yourself: Your small queer community IS tiny, and this type of thing is definitely not unheard of. So there’s really no problem here except the one you’re making by worrying about what to say. I promise you, this is going to be less awkward than you’re imagining and you will feel much better when you disclose.
Your friend deserves to know you hooked up with her new girl, so yeah, you should tell your friend before she brings the new girl to brunch.
It sounds like your hookup was a casual thing, so I’d recommend you not make a big deal out of disclosing. Don’t dramatically tell your friend “we need to talk” or draw her aside at a group hangout and make it sound like you’re going to unveil major drama.
If you treat this like dyke drama, your friend could overreact, but if you treat it like a minor thing that happened (like, so minor you honestly forgot it even happened – you’re such a spaz!) then she’s less likely to get upset, and you can all move on, like grownups.
Don’t make a big deal out of disclosing. Don’t tell her “we need to talk” or draw her aside at a group hangout and make it sound like you’re going to unveil some major drama. If you treat this like dyke drama, your friend could overreact, but if you treat it like a minor thing that happened (like, so minor you honestly forgot it even happened – you’re such a spaz!) then she’s less likely to get upset, and you can all move on, like grownups.
Don’t forget — the new gal pal could make the same disclosure, especially if she’s Facebook stalking all your friend’s pictures and recognizes you. Would you rather her tell your buddy, “Um, that girl you’re posing with at the pop-up queer bar? Yeah, so … I slept with her at Pride last year.”
So if you’re still wringing your hands over coming clean, please stop. The sooner you bring it up, the sooner you’ll all be in the clear.
Just tell your friend the next time you’re hanging out, “This might be a little weird, but after you showed me your new girlfriend’s picture I realized we had a thing last year.” Thing is a nice vague word for your disclosure that protects everyone’s feelings, but if you’re more of a straightforward person, then say, “we had sex” or “we slept together” so there’s no misconception that a thing could mean “I asked her out and she said no” or “we drunkenly made out at the club but I forgot to get her number.”
Then leave it to your buddy to ask questions — or not. Some people really don’t want to know those details while others want to know exactly where/what/when/ it happened down to the positions, location, and number of orgasms so it’s burned in their brain forevermore (I know… who wants to know that? Some people).
If your friend gets upset, don’t take it personally. It came as a surprise (and it would still have been a total surprise if you disclosed when she showed you the new girl’s pic, so don’t let her guilt you over timing). She might be squicked out, but she’ll get over it with time.
If things get to the point where you’re all hanging out, be polite and friendly, like you would with any friend’s new partner. Rather than awkwardly apologize or bring it up in person, get to know the new girl. If you partied and hooked up at Pride, there probably wasn’t much talking going on. Maybe you’ll develop a lovely friendship out of all this, who knows?
And finally, tell your girlfriend (if you haven’t already) so if things do get awkward at any point, there’s someone who can rescue you.
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