Ask a Femme: A flirting guide for butches when things are still in the virtual stage

Ask a Femme is your go-to resource for butches who love femmes, and need love/sex/dating/relationship advice from a femme who has answers. This week, Jenny Block gives tips on navigating your virtual flirting game.

Things have gotten real virtual these days when it comes to dating. That can pose some tricky situations when it comes to flirting via text and app. If you move too fast, if you get too dirty too soon, if you play too hard to get, if you don’t ask the right questions if you fail to listen – you get the idea –  and you don’t stand a chance. So, here’s a little advice for butches (and anyone who dates femmes) on how to talk to us in the virtual world if you want to connect with us in the real one.

Let us set the pace

Although femmes generally like a strong lead, when it comes to the initial texting tango, let us set the pace. We’ll let you know when it’s time to move from how many siblings do you have to when do you want to meet in person, to when it’s time to start getting to the really fun stuff.

Answer the questions honestly

There’s no point in lying to us and telling us you love to watch romcoms or you can’t wait to take dance classes with us. We will remember that shit. It’s best to keep the flirting within the realms of reality. If you promise us a lifetime of travel and luxury, you best be ready to ante up. So stick to the truth. Period.

Don’t try so hard

We can see through the bullshit. We know if you’re romantic or just trying to be. Don’t ask me how. Just trust me, we do. You don’t have to impress us with all of the this and that you’ve done or where you’ve been. We are much more interested in knowing you really are interested.

Ask us about ourselves

We want to know about you. But we also want to know that you are intrigued about finding out about us. It may seem silly to ask us about our favorite movies and foods and places to go. But asking us about those things – and remembering what we tell you – means the world to us. Paying attention is sexy.

Hear what we’re saying

If we tell you we just got out of a serious relationship or we don’t like hiking or we’ve been burned more share of our times, we’re not being coy. We want you to know what you’re dealing with. The truth is, if we’re telling you these things, it means we can imagine being with you. So listen up.

Be raw

We want the real you. Sure, we want a girl who has a tough side. But we still want a girl who’s real. So tell us about your past. Share your secrets. When we’re deciding if we want to date you or if we want things to progress, we need to know that there’s a “real” you and that you’re willing to share her with us.

Don’t get too sexy too soon

There’s a fine line between flirting and freaking us out. If things are clearly just on the road to hooking-up, that’s one thing. (Although most of us still don’t take too kindly to the super raunchy stuff, super fast.) But if you want to date us, you have to woo us. Believe it or not, being romantic equals us wanting to sleep with you. You don’t have to talk dirty for things to get dirty.

Don’t act like a guy

We date, love, and have sex with women because we’re lesbians and we want women. So don’t use male behavior as your guide. We don’t like bad boys. We like hot butches, and all the best ones know how to walk the line. Let us see your layers and be open to ours, too.