Gay ladies, I don’t know about you, but I believe in never getting out of bed for less than $5000. As a result, my pajamas have become increasingly familiar to me, to the point that if you were to suggest that they were somewhat of a work uniform, you would not in fact be entirely incorrect. On occasion, however, (rent owing, running out of cat food, the naggingly persistent urge to feed myself) I am unfortunately forced to lower my expectations and head out into my place of employment, since they are so unreasonable as to refuse to pay me if I do not provide them with labour in return. However, simply because I’m on company time does not mean that I cease being a gay lady – no indeed! Here is my comprehensive guide to gay lady etiquette in the workplace.
Point One: A gay lady is always out of the closet at all times, because it’s her duty and totally everyone else’s business. Oh poppets, I do realise that this may be easier said than done at times. I remember back when I had to come out at AfterEllen.com. Now that was nerve-wracking. We were all sitting around in the staffroom one day, comparing manicures and swapping recipes and I just blurted it out with no warning whatsoever, like “Guys, I have to tell you something: I’m a lesbian! Please don’t judge me for this.” It was an awkward moment, let me tell you. In the end however, everyone has been fairly accepting of my lifestyle and sometimes they even chat or write a little about subjects of popular interest to gay ladies in order to make me feel comfortable, which I for one, am extremely grateful for.
Point Two: A gay lady always knows it is her duty to educate her straight employers as to the finer details of relating to The Lesbian in the workplace.
Ladies, I implore you to take this role with utmost seriousness. To begin with, explain that reading AfterEllen.com during work hours is no different than your straight co-workers’ daily perusal of the newspapers online. Ensure you request gay lady public holidays off well in advance (Tegan & Sara tours, sales day at your local camping store, any day there’s any kind of street march or protest – no matter what the cause, hot angry activist girls will be there). Above all, do not let anyone make you feel as if you should keep your personal life separate from your work life. Defend your cultural right to drama as the linchpin of lesbian existence. For example, the following email to your boss would be incorrect, from a lesbian etiquette viewpoint:
Instead, may I suggest the use of the following format?
Point Three:p It is highly advisable to date gay ladies who are also your work colleagues. This is always a brilliant idea. Think about it gay ladies! You work together, so you have years for your usual sober pick-up method (shyly making eye contact once a week, blushing uncontrollably and possibly blurting out some out of context remark about an ex-girlfriend so she knows that you’re gay) to take effect. Then, after your blissful union has been established, you have an immediately legitimate excuse to spend all of your time together. Working, sleeping, living together, commuting side-by-side on your lady bicycles, socialising at work functions – you’ll never have to be apart again! Not for a single, brief, momentary second ever!
This marvelous idea is even more glorious if you have a work uniform; every day will provide you with the sexy thrill of dressing like your partner, and you’ll never lack in conversation topics when there’s always work to talk about. Then, when you both lose your jobs due to an inappropriate workplace incident in the stationery closet or for involving the entire office in your domestic spat, you can bond together in the unemployment lines. Sublime.
