How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Ten

Gay ladies! Long have your cries echoed into the wilderness! Long have your stories repeated themselves! Since the beginning of time (or at least, since the birth of forums) your voices have rung out, woeful and forlorn: Help! I’m in love with my straight best friend! What should I do? For too long now has the scourge of the enticing but untouchable Straight Best Friend (SBFF) clouded your brains and befuddled your souls. Weep no more my most favourite of “Help!” forum writers, because lo! Your voices have been heard.

The Reason For The Problem:

First of all, there are very few lesbians in the world. Latest estimates have numbered the entire world’s lesbian population at approximately 207. While these numbers may sound shocking I can assure you that they are extremely accurate and up-to-date, having been calculated only three and a half minutes ago by the exclusive and privately funded Ruth Callander Expert Lesbian Research Institute (for those interested in the mathematics involved in reaching this statistic, experts simply counted the numbers of lesbians Ruth knows personally and multiplied it by the number of ex-girlfriends they’ve told her about by name). As a result, once you’ve dated one lesbian, and all their exes and their exes’ exes, you’ve run out of lesbians entirely and must now turn to your straight best friend, all of which the RCELRI predicts will have likely occurred within two years of your gay lady career.


The second reason is due to the apple-cheeked, newly faux-hawked, freshly arrived members of our population: the baby dykes. I’m not talking about just anyone who happens to be under 22, anyone still in braces or anyone who makes me feel creakily ancient in nightclubs by calling Nirvana “retro,” I’m talking about anyone of any age who’s known they’re of the gay lady persuasion for under six months. Yes, I’m looking at you — the slightly shy one standing there in the corner of their first ever gay bar, confused at how a room could contain so many women and yet only one haircut. Maybe, you need a little more time, a little less pressure, maybe some more room for longing and less room for action: A straight girl crush. See, I know you! I’ve been you.