How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Ten

The Only Solution:   

The most commonly recommended method of convincing your SBFF that she is gay for you is that of plying your het lady of choice with large quantities of alcoholic beverages. There are multiple reasons for this advice — which comes in various sparklingly intelligent packages such as “the only difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about five vodkas” — which include the following:

— All the world’s most beautiful, poignant and satisfying romances began when one intoxicated human being slurred beerily at another drunken human being by way of seduction. (See Romeo and Juliet, Bette and Tina, Helen and Nicki.)

— Amongst alcohol’s many other harmless benefits, one of the most well known is its ability to permanently change the sexual orientation of any human being, allowing for full and long-lived romantic relationships, and quite frequently in fact, marriage.

— Every gay lady in the world is dying to be a drunken straight girl’s one night experiment.  

— There are no muddy ethical issues involved whatsoever in getting someone drunk in the hope that they’ll sleep with you.  For more information, please see “consent.”

Alternative Cures:

Whilst every gay lady knows that it is relentlessly horrible in every single way to be friends with a straight girl at all (what could you possibly talk about if it’s not about Things Lesbian?) you might give it a go. You may find the benefits are quite charming: they’ll never steal your girlfriend, they’ll enjoy feeling drama-free in comparison with your complicated love life, and shopping trips together may help balance out the amount of flannel in your wardrobe.    

It’s also true that being attracted to someone means you have no option but to fall in love with them — it couldn’t possibly mean anything else. Otherwise you face the terribly hideous option of having to spend portions of your leisure time with someone good-looking and quite likely their good-looking friends (who for that matter, may exist at various different point along the sexuality spectrum).  

If however, you’re still stuck on the idea of falling for a straight girl, please watch Kissing Jessica Stein on loop, which I believe you’ll find to be adequate aversion therapy to inoculate you for life.

Dedicated to my SBFF April. I’m secretly in love with you. Help!  

Burning etiquette questions? Tweet Ruth! @RuthCallander