Best. Lesbian. Week. Ever. (October 22, 2010): We gay up the People’s Choice Awards and Ellen expands her empire

GAYING UP THE PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS
Get thee to the polls! No, I’m not talking about the midterm elections — although you should do that, too — but these polls require just as many of your civic duties: The People’s Choice Awards 2011!

Although your votes won’t determine the fate of our economy, foreign policy decisions, or whether queer/queer-friendly politicians will finally dominate the house, they will determine just how gay are the outcomes to such momentous races as “Favorite Actress,” “Favorite TV Drama,” and “Best Lesbian Subtext and Sexual Tension.” OK, maybe not the last one, but here at AE, we reserve the right to write-in our own, cooler nominees and categories. Let’s get down to gaying up the polls, shall we?

First, we take a look at some of the orthodox categories and how you can add some rainbow to the noms.

Favorite TV Doctor

Write-in: Sara Ramirez and Jessica Capshaw, a.k.a. Dr. Calzona, Grey’s Anatomy.

The poll for this race has almost every self-indulgent, sexually active doctor from Grey’s, yet it blatantly excluded two of the hottest, most talented doctors at Seattle Grace: Dr. Torres & Dr. Robbins. They’re the only ones who actually seem to be doing their jobs, plus they find time to play Cupid for others and redecorate their apartment. Do write them in so as to reflect who the people really want to operate on them.

Write-in: Olivia Wilde as Dr. Remy “Thirteen” Hadley, House.

How typical that they’d nominate Dr. House but not the brooding, bisexual and suspender-wearing Thirteen. She’s so considerate: even though she didn’t know the name of her one-night-stand hook-up, when the young lady had a seizure post-getting it on (Thirteen is obvi that good), Thirteen was all up on her — I mean, finding the answer to her medical mystery. Though she’s on hiatus from the show for a while, Thirteen is clearly one of our favorite TV doctors.

Favorite TV Comedy Actress

Our pick: Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester, Glee.

She’s the funniest human being on TV right now. I’d like to see any other actor/actress take on the Adidas track suit and try to hold a candle to her deadpan delivery and hysterical insults oozing with venom. Yeah, not happening.

Favorite TV Drama Actress

Write-in: Archie Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma, The Good Wife

Though her right-hand woman (nope, I don’t have that backward) Alicia (Julianna Margulies) is in the running, the sexually fluid Kalinda should own this category, hands down. No one else can make private investigating look so easy and darn good — especially in leather and boots. Plus, if she’s Emmy-worthy, she’s definitely People’s Choice-worthy.

Favorite TV Obsession

Our Pick: Pretty Little Liars is actually a nominee! U bitches bettr vote 4 Emily+Maya 4evr.

Write-ins: Skins, The Real L Word, Las Aparicio, Lip Service, Thintervention with Jackie Warner, Coronation Street — jeez, People’s Choice Awards, don’t you know anything about quality TV obsessions?

Favorite Movie Actress

Our pick: Amanda Seyfriend for her repeat lesbian/lesbian-ish performances in the all-too-twisted-yet-oh-so-sexy Chloe and the laughable-yet-entertaining Jennifer’s Body (I know it’s so old, but credit is due where deserved, right?).

Honorable Mention: Poor Angelina Jolie has turned into somewhat of a cliché choice these days, but she should still get your love for kicking so many asses and taking more names than a phone book in this summer’s Salt. You go, girl.

Favorite Movie

Write-in: The Kids Are All Right
Regardless of on which heated side of the debate your were about certain, ahem, plot developments, we’ve gotta give props to Lisa Cholodenko for giving us Julianne Moore and Annette Bening as life partners on the big screen. Bonus points to Julianne for being a fictional lesbian all-star.

Finally, we create a few of our own categories:

Best OMG Moment

Our pick: Brittana finally getting on. Thank grilled cheesus for DVR because we rewound and played the precious moments between our two favorite Cheerios roughly one million times to make sure they really did say “it’s a nice break from all that scissoring.” Sweet lady kisses, what a great scene.

Honorable Mention: Brittany S. Pierce as B. Spears. Santana better get her act together and be nicer to Brittany.

Lesbians’ Choice Villain

Our pick: Rose from The Real L Word. Although we all loved to hate Jenny Schechter in the final season of The L Word, Rose is a real person. A real mean person.

Write-ins: Bigots, homophobes, racists, bullies, and soulless politicians that possess all of the aforementioned traits.

Best Subtext

Our pick: Rizzoli & Isles. As Dorothy Snarker said, “This show is super-duper gay,” without actually being gay. I expect to see some pinky-holding ASAP, ladies.

Honorable mention: Although I, personally, don’t get it, I’d get mauled if I didn’t mentionDianna Agron and Lea Michele, aka Quinn and Rachel from Glee, a.k.a. Achele — what are the kids calling them these days? The forums are pretty convincing, however.

(Note: Brittana no longer is eligible for “sexual tension,” since we have confirmation that there is some “scissoring” going on. See above.)

Write-in: (insert your lesbian subtext with another female) Drummerdeeds and Olivia Wilde. What? We have a lot of sexual tension, you don’t even know. Oh wait — neither does she.

It’s now your job to gay up the polls as much as possible! Dream big and it could happen. America is counting on you.

— by drummerdeeds