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The Hook Up: 12-2-2010

I’m fairly new to lovin’ the ladies. I identify as bisexual, but am wondering if that is, as you put it, “Birkenstock blocking me” from meeting bonafide lesbians. My question is basically this: Do you think it’s possible for an inexperienced bisexual girl to hook up with a real deal lesbian in a casual situation? I don’t want a girlfriend, and am afraid they’ll turn their nose up to an offer like that. – Shysexual

Anna says: There are many things a “bonafide, real deal” lesbian could turn her nose up at: climate change deniers, fiber supplements, green eggs and ham on a box but not a fox, etc. This is all, however, speculation because I don’t know what you’re talking about actually. No wait, I do. But let’s never use the phrase “real deal lesbian” again, mmmkay? And not just because it makes me think of Louie Anderson hosting The Family Feud, which is, coincidentally, guaranteed to turn this bonafide bisexual’s nose up faster than a Mormon on a Segway.

What you want is a woman who is sapphically experienced in bed, regardless of her identity politics. I say that because we police each other far too much when it comes to labels (I’m guilty of it, too), but if you’re looking for a casual encounter, then why not cast your net as wide as possible? Also, to really belabor this point to death, there are people who identify as lesbians who have very little sexual experience, too. It’s just like what Shakespeare said about names in Romeo and Juliet, “A rose by any other name wouldn’t smell your sheets.” Or whatever that saying is. I don’t know; I’m not Google. Look it up yourselves.

Moving on then. Yes, of course there are girls out there who would love to teach your virginal self a thing or two in the sack. If you’ve already tapped your circle of queer lady friends (or you don’t have any, or you have healthy friendships that don’t involve doing the horizontal ham smurf), then the next available recourse is to go online. There are some who will balk at your bisexuality and others who will balk at you not wanting a girlfriend, but if you walk the walk, then you can also balk the balk! Then thank them for not wasting your time any more than they already have.

If you need to, you can fib and check the box that says “gay” (that’ll reduce the amount of interest you get from dudes anyway), as long as you don’t fib about your intentions, i.e. that you just want a casual hook up. Per the usual online dating etiquette, don’t be afraid to detail exactly what you’re looking for, but don’t also be so specific that you negate reality. The better you can articulate your desires, the easier it’ll be for potential partners to find you.

For instance, a one night stand is much different than an ongoing friend-with-benefits type situation. Also, whether online or at a bar or other sexified space (weddings, girlfriend), keep the dialogue breezy and devoid of heavy topics. This includes your exes, the political ramifications of EZ Cheez, how your loneliness is making you consider the purchase of a robot blob pillow, etc. Basically nothing you’d tell a therapist.

Now screw up your courage, go out there and find you some fun. It is, after all, the best way to chase those winter blues away. Good luck!

My girlfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We both moved in together after college this past summer and things have been going really well. We both found jobs and things were moving forward. However, her job ended up not working out so she quit recently. She’s been fairly miserable since, searching for jobs in her field, trying to find things to do at home while I’m at work five days a week.

I feel her pain – searching for jobs these days is really difficult. And she just received word of an opportunity in a town two hours from here, a very, very small town in the heart of Texas. She’s eager to take it, which is understandable. I’m just not sure how I feel. I have a nice job that pays well, but it is just an entry level desk job that I could probably find anywhere. Her job would be harder to come by. Plus, my family and friends are all here, and I guess I just feel sad leaving them. And being gay in a small town also sounds kinda scary.

But, I love my girlfriend and want what’s best for her. Do you think I should bite the bullet and move with her? I really don’t have much holding me back besides a job I can find anywhere. And a fear of local hicks staring me down, but I can deal. A little help in the right direction would be much appreciated. – Dilemma in Dallas

Anna says: That’s a tough call, Dilemma. You have to weigh the pros and cons of giving up everything (your job, family/friends, comfort, stability, etc.) for your girlfriend. The Big Ask is this: Would the state of your current life pale in comparison to the life you’d have without your girlfriend in the picture? Some things to keep in mind:

The economy is in the crapper, as you are well aware. Even though you say your job is a dime a dozen, you also have to make sure that there are opportunities for you in this new place as well. It could be that your girlfriend will be employed but now you are the one who’s home all week, frustrated and looking for jobs that are hard to come by. You don’t want to resent your partner if you end up shucking Awesome Blossoms at the local Chili’s because it’s all you could find, while she has her dream job.

If finances are a concern for you, then that is definitely something to keep in mind. You might even consider staying put for a little while and keeping your old job until you can secure another one in the new city. But that’s the fiscal worrywart in me. Maybe that doesn’t matter much to you, or your girlfriend will be making enough to help shoulder some of the burden while you’re unemployed.

Also, if for some unforeseen reason you break up, would you be okay on your own in the new city? I realize that you’re only two hours away from your current town, which isn’t a great distance by any means, but it’s still a factor, especially since small towns can be less welcoming to queers. (Not saying they all are, by any means, and I’ve been gay bashed in plenty of big cities, too.)

Take this to heart though: nothing is permanent, meaning you’re not necessarily going to be stuck in Hicksville forever if you do decide to move for her. It seems to me that, on the scale of terrifying life decisions one could make, this is a relatively mild one. Yes, the relationships with your family and friends will change, but a few hours distance is hardly enough to irreparably damage those ties. Unless they aren’t on Facebook. Then kiss them goodbye forever.

In the end, you have to go with your gut instinct. If your relationship is solid and you want it to endure, then some sacrifices will always need to be made to make it last. Just make sure that you weigh all your options and that you are considering your own potential happiness as well as hers.

Readers, have you ever moved cities for a girlfriend? Any words of wisdom for Dilemma in Dallas?

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley.

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