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The Hook Up: 6-22-2011

Dear Anna, I’ve been with my girlfriend just shy of three years, and I love her dearly. We’re going strong and, luckily we do not have many problems in our relationship outside of the everyday nit picky stuff. There isn’t anything wrong with our relationship. My worry is that I’m not sure I ever want to get married again.

I was married for a year to my first (same-sex partner) and I knew at the time that we weren’t meant to be, but I did go through with it for all of the wrong reasons. Of course, a year later it ended tremendously ugly and left a sour taste in my mouth.

My girl knows I’m not ready for the next step anytime soon but I’m fully committed to her and our relationship. She’s made some “joking” remarks in the past year or more, but when we seriously talk about it, she says she’s not ready either. I 80 percent believe her, but if I were to ask today, I know she would say yes. If a friend asks about it, I immediately say “Hell no!” I can’t answer with certainty whether I want to get married again, if I’m the marrying type or if the timing isn’t right, I really don’t know. At the same time, we live together, make financial decisions together and other important things necessary in life. Am I over-thinking this? Does it say anything about our relationship? – Not Ready

Anna says: I don’t think so, Not Ready. You’ve been together three years and have a deep commitment to each other. It makes sense that you’d be thinking about your future together, and what you are or aren’t comfortable with in the long haul. This is a little less true of gay couples generally, but culturally, relationships follow a prescribed trajectory: Dating — Courtship — Co-habitation — Marriage — Kids — Sex That Only Occurs during Rachel Maddow Show commercials — Death. Anyone who deviates from that well-worn path will be subject to pressure, ridicule, and Sex and the City re-runs, probably.

Such cultural pressures to get married are obviously working. The U.S. Census Bureau notes that nine out of 10 people will get married at least once. They also point out that the more times we marry, the higher our chances are for getting divorced. So, you’re not alone in feeling jaded or skeptical about the institution.

You’ve done the right thing by talking to your girlfriend about not being ready for marriage. All you can do now is to keep being honest about it, focus on being a great partner, and communicating your needs and desires as openly as you can. It seems like you are on the right path.

I wouldn’t read too much into the marriage jokes. I mean, the stereotypical crux of our sexual identities revolves around U-Hauls and second dates, right? Sometimes joking relieves tension. Sometimes they remind us not to take ourselves too seriously. Plus, you never know: One day you might wake up and decide you desperately want that Crate and Barrel gift registry. Or you might not. Just remember that no one can define your relationship but you and your partner — not family, or friends, or compelling Grey’s Anatomy episodes.

In other words, to hell with convention. I’ve known of couples who sleep in separate bedrooms because that works best for them. I know of others who didn’t get married, but did decide to throw a big party to celebrate their relationship. As Sheryl Crow sang in the one song of hers I know that’s not about LA, “If it makes you happy, it can’t be that bad.” And when has anyone ever been led astray by advice from pop songs? NEVER.

I came out last summer to friends while working at a summer camp. By the end of the summer, I had a girlfriend and was starting my first long distance relationship. I’m not sure I was ready for all that right away, but I was in love. We broke up a few times because she couldn’t decide what she wanted.

After seven months, she broke up with me in a text message and I was done. We did the friend thing right away and both realized we needed some space first before that could happen. Once in a while I get a text from her but we don’t talk that often. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to return to work at the summer camp where we met. She finally decided not to go back, which I was kind of happy about because I wasn’t sure I was ready to work with her.

Well, last night she tells me she is actually going back and asks to borrow my guitar so she doesn’t have to trek hers on an airplane. I’m worried how the summer is going to be; it’s a small camp and I can’t just ignore her. I’m not use to being friends with exes. Any suggestions on how to make the transition to friends/working together smooth?

Anna says: Well, the good news is, you still don’t have to be friends with her. You can’t avoid her completely, which blows, but if you’re not ready or comfortable, you are in no way obligated to, like, make birdfeeders out of pinecones and peanut butter with her (I went to ghetto camp at the YMCA. I don’t actually know what people do at real summer camps. My guess is it involves chasing squirrels and making windmills out of construction paper and straws).

What you do have to do is keep your relationship professional. Treat her like you would any other coworker. Stay focused on being an awesome camp counselor, and keep an active social calendar in your free time if you can. This is probably inevitable, but try to avoid or deflect those sticky conversations about your relationship with your ex — especially if it involves dredging up past arguments or topics that will emotionally trigger you. For instance, “I can’t believe you broke up with me via text message. What are you, Lindsay Lohan?” The past is past. You have to work on reconciling your future now.

Also, while you don’t have to spend time with her, you also shouldn’t outright ignore her. Such behavior might have the opposite intended effect, and may start a fight. Plus, you’ll appear more mature if you prove you can be around her. No biggie.

Try not to involve your other coworkers. It’s tempting to have confidants that will join you in a “harmless” ex-bashing fest over s’mores, but it will no doubt get back to her, make you seem immature, and create more dram-o-rama.

I’ll leave the should-you-bring-the-guitar-or-not dilemma up to you. If doing such will greatly inconvenience you though, then don’t bother. Remember, you don’t have any obligations to her, except to be courteous and professional. On the other hand, chicks with guitars are a personal weakness of mine, so it’s hard for me to say no to something that might squelch a campfire rendition of “Teenage Dream.”

Readers, have y’all had to work with your exes? If so, what helped make the situation less painful?

Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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