For intimacy, take the pressure off of trying to get things “back to normal” by chucking normal out the window. Right now it’s not about maintaining a frequency or having orgasms or even having an activity you would define as sex. It’s about connecting with one another on that vulnerable and intimate level.
Right now, maybe it’s enough that you receive a full-body massage from your partner while concentrating on feeling in your body in the present moment — being open to the pleasure of her touch and enjoying it. Maybe it’s enough to have a pre-work quickie that’s about physical release only, and hold off on the hours’ long lovemaking you used to do. I don’t know what you feel comfortable with giving or receiving; only you know that. Take it at the pace that feels right and focus on the connection, not the end result.
If you start to get into that negative headspace of thinking about What Happened When She Betrayed You, push the thoughts away and focus on something happening in the moment — a touch, a feeling, the song on the AfterEllen Spotify playlist, whatever. Focus on what feels good in your mind and body, and communicate when things change.
Take it one day at a time, one moment of intimacy at a time. If you’ve processed your feelings about what happened and you are ready to open back up to your partner, you’ll grow closer.
If you feel like you are really trying and you aren’t seeing any progress, talk about what that means for your future. I’m not a fan of cheating=breakup. I think it’s reductionist and unrealistic to allow everything to hinge on one bad decision, but you have to take are of you.
If you have a question about dating, sex, relationships, and anything that comes with the territory, send our editor your question. Email [email protected] with “Q For Lindsey” in the subject line, and Lindsey will get right back at ya!
When you disagree, does someone always cave so the other gets her way? In the long run, this is a fantastic way to let resentments build up until suddenly you’re having a fight about doing the laundry that’s really a fight about the strip club that’s essentially a fight about every time you pressured her into letting you do what you want to do.
If you approach the situation less like a battle that one of you has to win, there’s more room for everyone to walk away feeling, ok, maybe not happy, but heard. So tell her what you told me — that you want to go the strip club not to gaze at some titties, but to honor the person you were — the person she fell in love with, by the way — and to enjoy one epic night out with your friends before your big day.
Then let her tell you how she feels and actually listen with an open mind. Maybe for her a strip club is a big betrayal for some reason that will make no sense to you, but be a core belief of hers. If so, then you’ll need to find a way to deal with it together. Since your mutual friends are going to the party, there’s no way for you to get that dance while keeping it a secret from her. Maybe she’ll feel better about it if she goes along. Maybe you and your bestie need to take a secret trip to the strip club the week before, so you can get your dance and keep your fiancée happy.
If you’re whining about the idea of compromising, I have a little secret for you: Marriage is compromise. And you and your fiancée are either the sort of people who can reach an agreement or you’re the sort who count battles won.
Ultimately, if your wife is controlling and unreasonable about these sorts of things, you will reach a tipping point where you can’t face another argument about whether the gogo dancer or the queer bartender or the spin instructor turned you on and you’ll self destruct. You can avoid that now by calling it quits.
NEXT PAGE – Her Cheating Heart – Here’s What to Do.
Six months ago, my world changed when I found out my long-term partner cheated on me with an ex. We’ve been together for eight years, and she ran into her first love at a conference in another city. They caught up over a drink, one thing led to another, and they had a handsy make out session in the hotel bar. She came to her senses as they left the bar together, and told the ex she couldn’t go up to her room as they had planned. Then she told me everything. I was and still am reeling. She was so apologetic and regretful that I told her I would try to move past it, even though I feel so betrayed. The first time we had sex after felt really passionate, but since then I have been struggling with intimacy. I find myself recalling her betrayal as she puts her moves on me, or not wanting to relax and cuddle like we used to. When we have sex, it’s hard for me to feel that emotional bond that makes it more than mechanical. Is there a way to find what we lost, physically? Or is my body telling me it’s over?
-Trying
Trying,
Maybe. Maybe you two can move past this. Maybe it’s over. Maybe it’s too soon to call it.
The only way through this pain you’re in is, well, through it.
Your partner broke your trust by kissing an ex, but she told you about it in the spirit of honesty and full disclosure. Which is not always the best thing! Now you’re second guessing your love and feeling raw and betrayed while your partner may very well be thinking, “What’s the big deal? It was only a kiss! I stayed faithful!”
You may have moved on in some ways, but romantically, you haven’t moved past the betrayal. You picture it in your head, whether you’re having sex or snuggling. Your body might be telling you that it isn’t ready to be loved by your partner. It’s okay to take a break from sex while you process this, but it’s also okay if you don’t want to have sex or want to set boundaries on the type of sex you have.
I would encourage you to see a therapist, or at the very least talk this all over with a trusted friend. Get it all out, don’t hold back. Vent. Scream. Cry. Whatever it takes. Commit to letting go of the hurt feelings; wherever you go from here, you’ll benefit from letting go of your negative feelings, not taking them in. You don’t want to be the bitter women griping about a betrayal from am ex lover, too wounded to let anyone else in — so, forward you go. And it will take time.
You and your partner have lost your connection. She was tempted by memories of her ex because – probably because there was something missing from your connection. After she fessed up, you lost your connection to her and some of your faith in the relationship.
When it comes to sex and intimacy, talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. Tell her you have flashbacks to the betrayal, or that it’s hard to open up to her. Use your words to convey how you’re really feeling about what happened. Then ask for what you need — whether it’s space, couples’ counseling, or more effort on her part to make you feel loved.
You CAN get back to a solid place, but it’s going to take some work from both of you. Again, a therapist may be useful in unpacking the emotional connection. For intimacy, take the pressure off of trying to get things “back to normal” by chucking normal out the window. Right now it’s not about maintaining a frequency or having orgasms or even having an activity you would define as sex. It’s about connecting with one another on that vulnerable and intimate level.
For intimacy, take the pressure off of trying to get things “back to normal” by chucking normal out the window. Right now it’s not about maintaining a frequency or having orgasms or even having an activity you would define as sex. It’s about connecting with one another on that vulnerable and intimate level.
Right now, maybe it’s enough that you receive a full-body massage from your partner while concentrating on feeling in your body in the present moment — being open to the pleasure of her touch and enjoying it. Maybe it’s enough to have a pre-work quickie that’s about physical release only, and hold off on the hours’ long lovemaking you used to do. I don’t know what you feel comfortable with giving or receiving; only you know that. Take it at the pace that feels right and focus on the connection, not the end result.
If you start to get into that negative headspace of thinking about What Happened When She Betrayed You, push the thoughts away and focus on something happening in the moment — a touch, a feeling, the song on the AfterEllen Spotify playlist, whatever. Focus on what feels good in your mind and body, and communicate when things change.
Take it one day at a time, one moment of intimacy at a time. If you’ve processed your feelings about what happened and you are ready to open back up to your partner, you’ll grow closer.
If you feel like you are really trying and you aren’t seeing any progress, talk about what that means for your future. I’m not a fan of cheating=breakup. I think it’s reductionist and unrealistic to allow everything to hinge on one bad decision, but you have to take are of you.
If you have a question about dating, sex, relationships, and anything that comes with the territory, send our editor your question. Email [email protected] with “Q For Lindsey” in the subject line, and Lindsey will get right back at ya!
It doesn’t really matter whether I give you permission. It matters whether you get it from her, if you get it from her, and how you approach points of conflict in your relationship in general.
Your fiancée is acting jealous and threatened. What matters is less what you do about the lap dance, but how you approach the situation, treat her feelings, and resolve this (plus, you know, if she is legitimately jealous/threatened or if she acts like this to control you, which isn not okay). I’m guessing you know which of the two it is.
When you disagree, does someone always cave so the other gets her way? In the long run, this is a fantastic way to let resentments build up until suddenly you’re having a fight about doing the laundry that’s really a fight about the strip club that’s essentially a fight about every time you pressured her into letting you do what you want to do.
When you disagree, does someone always cave so the other gets her way? In the long run, this is a fantastic way to let resentments build up until suddenly you’re having a fight about doing the laundry that’s really a fight about the strip club that’s essentially a fight about every time you pressured her into letting you do what you want to do.
If you approach the situation less like a battle that one of you has to win, there’s more room for everyone to walk away feeling, ok, maybe not happy, but heard. So tell her what you told me — that you want to go the strip club not to gaze at some titties, but to honor the person you were — the person she fell in love with, by the way — and to enjoy one epic night out with your friends before your big day.
Then let her tell you how she feels and actually listen with an open mind. Maybe for her a strip club is a big betrayal for some reason that will make no sense to you, but be a core belief of hers. If so, then you’ll need to find a way to deal with it together. Since your mutual friends are going to the party, there’s no way for you to get that dance while keeping it a secret from her. Maybe she’ll feel better about it if she goes along. Maybe you and your bestie need to take a secret trip to the strip club the week before, so you can get your dance and keep your fiancée happy.
If you’re whining about the idea of compromising, I have a little secret for you: Marriage is compromise. And you and your fiancée are either the sort of people who can reach an agreement or you’re the sort who count battles won.
Ultimately, if your wife is controlling and unreasonable about these sorts of things, you will reach a tipping point where you can’t face another argument about whether the gogo dancer or the queer bartender or the spin instructor turned you on and you’ll self destruct. You can avoid that now by calling it quits.
NEXT PAGE – Her Cheating Heart – Here’s What to Do.
Six months ago, my world changed when I found out my long-term partner cheated on me with an ex. We’ve been together for eight years, and she ran into her first love at a conference in another city. They caught up over a drink, one thing led to another, and they had a handsy make out session in the hotel bar. She came to her senses as they left the bar together, and told the ex she couldn’t go up to her room as they had planned. Then she told me everything. I was and still am reeling. She was so apologetic and regretful that I told her I would try to move past it, even though I feel so betrayed. The first time we had sex after felt really passionate, but since then I have been struggling with intimacy. I find myself recalling her betrayal as she puts her moves on me, or not wanting to relax and cuddle like we used to. When we have sex, it’s hard for me to feel that emotional bond that makes it more than mechanical. Is there a way to find what we lost, physically? Or is my body telling me it’s over?
-Trying
Trying,
Maybe. Maybe you two can move past this. Maybe it’s over. Maybe it’s too soon to call it.
The only way through this pain you’re in is, well, through it.
Your partner broke your trust by kissing an ex, but she told you about it in the spirit of honesty and full disclosure. Which is not always the best thing! Now you’re second guessing your love and feeling raw and betrayed while your partner may very well be thinking, “What’s the big deal? It was only a kiss! I stayed faithful!”
You may have moved on in some ways, but romantically, you haven’t moved past the betrayal. You picture it in your head, whether you’re having sex or snuggling. Your body might be telling you that it isn’t ready to be loved by your partner. It’s okay to take a break from sex while you process this, but it’s also okay if you don’t want to have sex or want to set boundaries on the type of sex you have.
I would encourage you to see a therapist, or at the very least talk this all over with a trusted friend. Get it all out, don’t hold back. Vent. Scream. Cry. Whatever it takes. Commit to letting go of the hurt feelings; wherever you go from here, you’ll benefit from letting go of your negative feelings, not taking them in. You don’t want to be the bitter women griping about a betrayal from am ex lover, too wounded to let anyone else in — so, forward you go. And it will take time.
You and your partner have lost your connection. She was tempted by memories of her ex because – probably because there was something missing from your connection. After she fessed up, you lost your connection to her and some of your faith in the relationship.
When it comes to sex and intimacy, talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. Tell her you have flashbacks to the betrayal, or that it’s hard to open up to her. Use your words to convey how you’re really feeling about what happened. Then ask for what you need — whether it’s space, couples’ counseling, or more effort on her part to make you feel loved.
You CAN get back to a solid place, but it’s going to take some work from both of you. Again, a therapist may be useful in unpacking the emotional connection. For intimacy, take the pressure off of trying to get things “back to normal” by chucking normal out the window. Right now it’s not about maintaining a frequency or having orgasms or even having an activity you would define as sex. It’s about connecting with one another on that vulnerable and intimate level.
For intimacy, take the pressure off of trying to get things “back to normal” by chucking normal out the window. Right now it’s not about maintaining a frequency or having orgasms or even having an activity you would define as sex. It’s about connecting with one another on that vulnerable and intimate level.
Right now, maybe it’s enough that you receive a full-body massage from your partner while concentrating on feeling in your body in the present moment — being open to the pleasure of her touch and enjoying it. Maybe it’s enough to have a pre-work quickie that’s about physical release only, and hold off on the hours’ long lovemaking you used to do. I don’t know what you feel comfortable with giving or receiving; only you know that. Take it at the pace that feels right and focus on the connection, not the end result.
If you start to get into that negative headspace of thinking about What Happened When She Betrayed You, push the thoughts away and focus on something happening in the moment — a touch, a feeling, the song on the AfterEllen Spotify playlist, whatever. Focus on what feels good in your mind and body, and communicate when things change.
Take it one day at a time, one moment of intimacy at a time. If you’ve processed your feelings about what happened and you are ready to open back up to your partner, you’ll grow closer.
If you feel like you are really trying and you aren’t seeing any progress, talk about what that means for your future. I’m not a fan of cheating=breakup. I think it’s reductionist and unrealistic to allow everything to hinge on one bad decision, but you have to take are of you.
If you have a question about dating, sex, relationships, and anything that comes with the territory, send our editor your question. Email [email protected] with “Q For Lindsey” in the subject line, and Lindsey will get right back at ya!
Hey, readers. Send me your sex questions, please. The mail bag is running low on sexy Q’s so hit me up with anything you wanna know, learn or try in bed – or if you need more lesbian dating advice. That works, too.
I’m engaged, and we’re getting married in two months. The wedding is really small – so we are focusing on spending time with our friends at bachelorette parties since many are not coming to the wedding (destination wedding, Mexico). My wife and I are having separate bachelorette parties, even though our friend group overlaps. My best friend from college is planning mine, and she (this was supposed to be a surprise to me) is planning on taking me to a strip club for a naughty night out. The problem is, a mutual friend checked in with my fiance to see if she was okay with me getting a lap dance for the special night. My wife is definitely NOT okay with the lap dance. I say, it’s one wild night out with my buddies to celebrate getting hitched, and it’s just a lap dance – it’s not like there’s any touching. I was big into the club scene in my wild days but I’ve settled down now. Is one last night out something to freak out over?
-Reformed Ladykiller
Ladykiller, I’m with you. A lap dance can be part of a fun night out, and any dancer appreciates a respectful client who tips well. If you’re going into it with the right attitude — one last wink to the party girl you were before you move on via marriage — there’s no reason it can’t be fun for you and fair to your fiancée.
That said, she’s your fiancée – and this could be one of those flash points that comes up whenever you two disagree if you don’t find some resolution. So it doesn’t really matter whether I give you permission. It matters whether you get it from her, if you get it from her, and how you approach points of conflict in your relationship in general.
It doesn’t really matter whether I give you permission. It matters whether you get it from her, if you get it from her, and how you approach points of conflict in your relationship in general.
Your fiancée is acting jealous and threatened. What matters is less what you do about the lap dance, but how you approach the situation, treat her feelings, and resolve this (plus, you know, if she is legitimately jealous/threatened or if she acts like this to control you, which isn not okay). I’m guessing you know which of the two it is.
When you disagree, does someone always cave so the other gets her way? In the long run, this is a fantastic way to let resentments build up until suddenly you’re having a fight about doing the laundry that’s really a fight about the strip club that’s essentially a fight about every time you pressured her into letting you do what you want to do.
When you disagree, does someone always cave so the other gets her way? In the long run, this is a fantastic way to let resentments build up until suddenly you’re having a fight about doing the laundry that’s really a fight about the strip club that’s essentially a fight about every time you pressured her into letting you do what you want to do.
If you approach the situation less like a battle that one of you has to win, there’s more room for everyone to walk away feeling, ok, maybe not happy, but heard. So tell her what you told me — that you want to go the strip club not to gaze at some titties, but to honor the person you were — the person she fell in love with, by the way — and to enjoy one epic night out with your friends before your big day.
Then let her tell you how she feels and actually listen with an open mind. Maybe for her a strip club is a big betrayal for some reason that will make no sense to you, but be a core belief of hers. If so, then you’ll need to find a way to deal with it together. Since your mutual friends are going to the party, there’s no way for you to get that dance while keeping it a secret from her. Maybe she’ll feel better about it if she goes along. Maybe you and your bestie need to take a secret trip to the strip club the week before, so you can get your dance and keep your fiancée happy.
If you’re whining about the idea of compromising, I have a little secret for you: Marriage is compromise. And you and your fiancée are either the sort of people who can reach an agreement or you’re the sort who count battles won.
Ultimately, if your wife is controlling and unreasonable about these sorts of things, you will reach a tipping point where you can’t face another argument about whether the gogo dancer or the queer bartender or the spin instructor turned you on and you’ll self destruct. You can avoid that now by calling it quits.
NEXT PAGE – Her Cheating Heart – Here’s What to Do.
Six months ago, my world changed when I found out my long-term partner cheated on me with an ex. We’ve been together for eight years, and she ran into her first love at a conference in another city. They caught up over a drink, one thing led to another, and they had a handsy make out session in the hotel bar. She came to her senses as they left the bar together, and told the ex she couldn’t go up to her room as they had planned. Then she told me everything. I was and still am reeling. She was so apologetic and regretful that I told her I would try to move past it, even though I feel so betrayed. The first time we had sex after felt really passionate, but since then I have been struggling with intimacy. I find myself recalling her betrayal as she puts her moves on me, or not wanting to relax and cuddle like we used to. When we have sex, it’s hard for me to feel that emotional bond that makes it more than mechanical. Is there a way to find what we lost, physically? Or is my body telling me it’s over?
-Trying
Trying,
Maybe. Maybe you two can move past this. Maybe it’s over. Maybe it’s too soon to call it.
The only way through this pain you’re in is, well, through it.
Your partner broke your trust by kissing an ex, but she told you about it in the spirit of honesty and full disclosure. Which is not always the best thing! Now you’re second guessing your love and feeling raw and betrayed while your partner may very well be thinking, “What’s the big deal? It was only a kiss! I stayed faithful!”
You may have moved on in some ways, but romantically, you haven’t moved past the betrayal. You picture it in your head, whether you’re having sex or snuggling. Your body might be telling you that it isn’t ready to be loved by your partner. It’s okay to take a break from sex while you process this, but it’s also okay if you don’t want to have sex or want to set boundaries on the type of sex you have.
I would encourage you to see a therapist, or at the very least talk this all over with a trusted friend. Get it all out, don’t hold back. Vent. Scream. Cry. Whatever it takes. Commit to letting go of the hurt feelings; wherever you go from here, you’ll benefit from letting go of your negative feelings, not taking them in. You don’t want to be the bitter women griping about a betrayal from am ex lover, too wounded to let anyone else in — so, forward you go. And it will take time.
You and your partner have lost your connection. She was tempted by memories of her ex because – probably because there was something missing from your connection. After she fessed up, you lost your connection to her and some of your faith in the relationship.
When it comes to sex and intimacy, talk with your partner about how you’re feeling. Tell her you have flashbacks to the betrayal, or that it’s hard to open up to her. Use your words to convey how you’re really feeling about what happened. Then ask for what you need — whether it’s space, couples’ counseling, or more effort on her part to make you feel loved.
You CAN get back to a solid place, but it’s going to take some work from both of you. Again, a therapist may be useful in unpacking the emotional connection. For intimacy, take the pressure off of trying to get things “back to normal” by chucking normal out the window. Right now it’s not about maintaining a frequency or having orgasms or even having an activity you would define as sex. It’s about connecting with one another on that vulnerable and intimate level.
For intimacy, take the pressure off of trying to get things “back to normal” by chucking normal out the window. Right now it’s not about maintaining a frequency or having orgasms or even having an activity you would define as sex. It’s about connecting with one another on that vulnerable and intimate level.
Right now, maybe it’s enough that you receive a full-body massage from your partner while concentrating on feeling in your body in the present moment — being open to the pleasure of her touch and enjoying it. Maybe it’s enough to have a pre-work quickie that’s about physical release only, and hold off on the hours’ long lovemaking you used to do. I don’t know what you feel comfortable with giving or receiving; only you know that. Take it at the pace that feels right and focus on the connection, not the end result.
If you start to get into that negative headspace of thinking about What Happened When She Betrayed You, push the thoughts away and focus on something happening in the moment — a touch, a feeling, the song on the AfterEllen Spotify playlist, whatever. Focus on what feels good in your mind and body, and communicate when things change.
Take it one day at a time, one moment of intimacy at a time. If you’ve processed your feelings about what happened and you are ready to open back up to your partner, you’ll grow closer.
If you feel like you are really trying and you aren’t seeing any progress, talk about what that means for your future. I’m not a fan of cheating=breakup. I think it’s reductionist and unrealistic to allow everything to hinge on one bad decision, but you have to take are of you.
If you have a question about dating, sex, relationships, and anything that comes with the territory, send our editor your question. Email [email protected] with “Q For Lindsey” in the subject line, and Lindsey will get right back at ya!
