Are you f—ing kidding me, Michelle Rodriguez?

Dear Michelle Rodriguez,

Listen, I’m not here to judge but I’m feeling like you are getting a little out-of-hand. Not in the way you did between 2002 and 2008 when you had multiple DUIs and legal issues which ended in your being jailed, but more in the way that you are fulfilling the whole idea of “the lady doth protest too much.” You know what I’m talking about. You know exactly what I’m talking about because you are ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT IT — your not being a lesbian.

I can’t even appreciate the creative ways you keep coming up with to say you aren’t gay. “Mitchie likes sausage” — that one might take the cake. But the most recent mentioning of having to “shake your dyke stigma” just really made me cringe and burn my VHS copy of Blue Crush. First of all: The first rule of dyke club is never talk about dyke club if you aren’t a member. I don’t care what you call yourself — bisexual, trysexual, Kristanna Loken-sexual, sausage-specific-sexual, you are one-upping Kelly Clarkson in the “I’m so not gay I’m offensive” arena.

Now everyone who enjoys your film work tries to look past your abrasive personality when it comes to this matter, but you just won’t quit talking about how not a lesbian you are. The only time I see headlines with “Michelle Rodriguez” and “lesbian” are when you, Michelle, are talking about it. I’d be happier if you just got a beard like every other respectable closeted celebrity in Hollywood. Just so you know, whenever you say “I’m not a lesbian!” gets a lot of hits from the search terms “Michelle Rodriguez gay” or “Is Michelle Rodriguez a lesbian?” Inquiring minds want to know because you provide them with such fodder so easily.

I’m sure all the women you date really love to hear you so adamantly proclaiming your love for meat. It’s kind of insulting to us vagetarians that you are so against us when we are at least 70 percent of your fanbase. This made up statistic is likely true, because I’m sure the other 30 percent are a mixture of straight men and straight women who are mildly bicurious.

We all love seeing you in an action film. We even watch terrible films like Fast and the Furious: Sequel #113,001 to hear what cheesy, cringe-inducing lines they give you to deliver. Hell, we watched you make out with Danny Trejo, which maybe you requested happen in Machete so you could prove your straightness a little more. Is being into women that terrible? DANNY TREJO?

Even if you hate half of yourself, Michelle, you are surely going to run into other people who do not. Like, say, Amber Heard, your co-star in the Machete Kills. Or Liz Sarnoff, who is an out producer on that show LOST you starred in. Or Guinevere Turner, who wrote your film Bloodrayne. You’re going to run out of some parts really quickly when you say things like “that dyke stigma I’ve got to shake eventually.” It’s not like you are lacking in roles, and most women cast as sexpots would probably kill for the ones you get to play: Tough, smart, bad asses who don’t just walk around in a bikini to appease the male gaze. Shit, girl, you got it GOOD. Stop getting in your own way! It’s not like you ever even played a lesbian character and that’s all you get offered. Although I wouldn’t be surprised to find out you were offered the part of Papi on The L Word only to turn it down. (That would have been a good decision anyway.)

In the meantime, I hope that the lesbian magazines and organizations that bring you in to “DJ” their events think a little more about what they’re saying when they book someone who is way more out about not being a lesbian than she is about her bisexuality — which I’m surprised you’ve even admitted to in the past. Paparazzi photos keep you honest, huh? And I’ll probably be a little less interested in seeing Fast and the Furious and Resident Evil sequels you star in because I hate putting more money in the pockets of someone who talks in the third person and says the word “sausage” as a penis-euphemism while wearing a shit-eating grin.