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“Lost Girl” Recap (3.12): She poisoned him with science

Under normal circumstances — those being any circumstance that does not involve a megalomaniac scientist intent on dominating a secret ancient race of supernatural beings who has kidnapped your unwitting not-an-ex, just-on-a-break girlfriend because of her breakthrough biochemical research — I would say don’t break into your girlfriend’s apartment after she specifically asks you for space. But, luckily for Bo, these are not those circumstances. Though bringing your ex to help you save your maybe-not-quite ex is, um, an interesting touch.

So Bo breaks in with Dyson in tow only to find an empty apartment and Lauren’s Blackberry. Yeah, I know — I have no idea why anyone would leave her cellphone at home. I left mine there one day last week accidentally and I felt like I was missing my left arm all day at work. Shut up, it’s not an addiction. I can quit anytime I want.

Right, where was I? Bo is worried about Lauren’s disappearing act, but wolves have problems, too. Fae mass graves, Hale’s inauguration. So Dyson says he doesn’t have time to play “relationship detective.” He says that now, but you’d better believe in about 30 minutes he’s going to wish like hell he had dropped everything to play “relationship detective.” Bo says they’re just on a break, but then sighs that even she doesn’t believe that anymore. Do you believe in Doccubus? Then clap your hands, everyone. Clap your hands, Tinkerbelles, clap your hands.

Proud Ash-maker Trick is setting up for Hale’s inauguration. He’s puffed up about his protégé’s ascension. Can we take a moment to discuss Fae traditions and rituals? Why am I asking, I’m driving this boat. We’re doing it. So remember the last time they picked a new ash and there was the big ceremonial gala and then the stag hunt? Did I miss the hunt? Was there an amendment to the rules I was unaware of? Just checking.

Kenzi is helping set up, which mostly consists of poorly folding napkins and complaining about how much of a dick Hale is. As if drawn to the sarcasm, in sashays the Morrigan. Soak it in, you know you’ve missed her fabulosity. On cue she says something fabulous like, “Do the Light always hold their inaugurations in a steak house?” Darling, it’s not even a steakhouse. It’s just a bar.

Elsewhere in a science-y place filled with science-y things, Lauren is doing science-y stuff. Stuff like looking through a microscope and watching enzymes repair toxins. You know the science-y stuff is really serious because she takes off her safety glasses. And then it’s geek joy all around as she celebrates being one step closer to curing heart disease.

She gives Dr. Taft a hug and talks about feeling useful for the first time in a long time. He busts out the bubbly, which totally non-suspiciously he had chilled and on hand immediately. Drink up, everyone — science is awesome. Lauren of course wants to text Bo about her triumph, but — oh right, you left your damn phone at home. Hey, have you noticed how Taft’s first name is Isaac? Another famous Isaac once said: What goes up must come down. So after the up time celebration comes the down time realization that someone has stolen two vials of Lauren’s research serum. Hope you enjoy that apple hitting your head soon, honey.

BroFFs Dyson and Hale are celebrating as well, with a shot of the finest hooch. Dyson tells him how he’s the change the Fae can believe in. Then he pops the question. Now isn’t this sweet? I just love the sexual fluidity in the Fae world. No hang ups about sexual identity, just love in its purest form. Wait, sorry. Dyson wasn’t proposing to Hale with the contents of that pretty mystery jewelry box? You’re kidding, right? He even Pretty Woman-ed the lid when Hale reached for it. That’s classic rom-com flirting 101.

So much same-sex sexual tension already, and we haven’t even gotten to The Tub Confession yet. So here goes. Bo is rub-a-dub-dubbing in her bathroom. Her pensive soak gets interrupted by the sound of someone approaching so, naturally, she stands up knife in hand. Tamsin, you lucky bastard.

Tam-Tam gets an eyeful and then some. But it’s hard to tell how much she’ll remember as she’s broken in just to suck down Bo’s liquor. Well you know what they say, liquor in the front, poke her in the – hey, how’d Tamsin get in here anyway? Bo confesses that she’s worried about Lauren. Tamsin rolls her eyes and is all, “Dude, have you seen how hot I look in this tank top? Like even all drunk and dirty, I look gooood.”

Dispensing with the small talk, Tams tells Bo she wasn’t the one who killed the blonde hottie. And avoids the question about whether she killed the Dark Fae guy in the alley. She instead turns her attention to her immediate need for improved her personal hygiene. So she decides to take a relaxing bubble bath, with Bo still in it.

After climbing in fully clothed (and armed), she is overcome by the warm suds and confesses. To her, Bo is perfect. And her wasted heart will love Bo — until she has to look her in her eyes and deliver her as a bounty to her mystery employer. But then maybe Bo really is perfect. Her eyes are both brown and blue. Her heart is both strong and gentle. She is virtuous, yet a succubus. She shouldn’t even be real, but she is. Poor, poor Valkyrie. Sometimes when she likes someone, she has to make her go away.

Back in poorly folded napkin land, Kenzi is still complaining about being a human in a Fae world. (p.s. We’ve finally solved the mystery of what happened to Jimmy Hoffa.) When in walks a handsome Fae fellow who starts to chat Kenzi up almost immediately. Have we learned nothing from our almost three years together, people? Never take candy from a stranger or listen to strange Fae. Ugh, I’m going to have to embroider that on their throw pillows before it finally sinks in.

Lauren is still celebrating at the lab with Isaac. She tells him how for a long time there was something missing, an emptiness in her life. Well, you did have that girlfriend in a coma for years, it tends to make one feel rather alone. But now success and Isaac are filling that hole. Wait, stop. That came out totally wrong. Or at least I hope it came out totally wrong.

Isaac goes on to make himself more insidious by recounting the story of a waitress who was murdered in a grisly fashion by a grisly serial killer who was already behind bars. Lauren’s all, what does this have to do with The Science now? Isaac answers by showing her around the facility, and telling her about how the killer’s bone marrow took over the recipient’s entire body and in turn made him a grisly serial killer as well. You, sir, are the worst at telling bedtime stories.

He says he wants to turn negatives like bone marrow personality transplants into positives. But Lauren has ethics and isn’t a megalomaniac with a God complex who thinks humans should use any means possible to evolve into even higher life forms. It’s not exactly an atom bomb going off in the middle of the room, but this “first fight” is definitely, finally the apple to the head Lauren needed to see clearly.

She begins doing a little investigating of her own and in a bit of turn-around-is-fair-play steals one of the other researcher’s vials to see what’s really inside. Man, this lab needs a much stricter vial tracking system. Or bike locks for their test tube trays. What she finds makes her forehead wrinkle. So it probably wasn’t Botox.

At the inauguration party Dyson is busy fantasizing about Bo’s dress underneath “the right man.” You can dress the wolf up in fancy sheep’s clothing, but he’s still just a horny dog. So he’s too busy flirting to notice the barkeep has slipped the contents of one of Lauren’s stolen vials into his drink. I guess that makes him roofied like the wolf.

The Dark and the Light are trying to play nice. In fact the Morrigan wouldn’t mind playing a little hide the Faelami with the new Ash. But Hale just wants her to cut it out and be more like the movie where the haircut gives you cancer. Take a whack at Ouiser, Hale. You’ll feel so much better.

Instead the Morrigan tries to feed him a death fly canapé, but luckily Dyson’s engagement ring protects him. As far as assassination attempts go, that one was pretty lame. Step up your game or go home, honey.

Hale tells a worried Bo about his forbidding Lauren to leave and she’s actually relieved because a little act of rebellion seems a lot better than a big act of breaking up forever. But then Bo finds herself with more immediate ex problems when she discovers Dyson foaming at the mouth. Rabies strikes again. The bartender says he called the paramedics and they arrive suspiciously quickly. Bo recognizes their smell: Eau du Skunk Ape. She tests them to see if they’re Fae and realizes they’re humans and armed.

Just then Kenzi pops up trying to help, but Bo tackles her to the floor to protect her and the humans are gone. They flee with Dyson and we’re all like, you can have him. I mean, I like the guy, but I’d much rather he be on his own spinoff show where he plays a loner cop with a penchant for taking off his shirt. Think of the crossover appeal to the AfterElton crowd. Call it Lone Wolf and it’s a guaranteed hit.

Bo, Trick and Hale try to interrogate the traitorous barkeep. But he drinks the remaining vial and kills himself before he can spill the beans. He just says something about them having his wife. Bo snatches the tube and is appalled to see it says “Dr. Lauren Lewis” on the side, so she pockets it before anyone else finds out. Meanwhile of course the Morrigan has overheard news of the human attack and of course knows the vials are marked “Dr. Lauren Lewis” and of course she plans to use all this information to her own nefarious gains. Of course.

Kenzi wakes up on Trick’s couch. But instead of Trick or Bo or even Hale’s friendly face it’s the stranger danger Fae fellow who proves as persistent as he is creepy. Kenz knows this, but his sales pitch is so enticing. Could he really turn her into a Fae so she doesn’t have to be the helpless human in distress? Short answer: No. Long answer: Hell no.

Bo went to Lauren’s apartment for answers. But she finds Tamsin in Lauren’s bathrobe eating her cereal instead. Thing is, homegirl has been living in her truck. So why let a perfectly good apartment with hot and cold running showers go to waste, right? Bo doesn’t have time to be incensed by the invasion of personal space, instead she’s trying to figure out why her Lauren’s name is on the vial that poisoned Dyson. And why the human kidnappers were using the same Skunk Ape glands to cover their humanness that Lauren did when they were in the pokey. Tamsin’s too busy cracking up about the total lezzer drama of one of Bo’s exes taking out the other ex.

But then she steps on her own laugh by stumbling a little because all of her meals have been in liquid form lately. Bo does a one-armed intervention to get her to beat the bottle, which actually works. Also she breaks the bottle, so even raging alcoholics think twice about drinking glass-flavored whisky off the floor. But things look even worse for Lauren when Bo finds her Ash pendant in the desk drawer. Bo hides it quickly in her clutch along with the vial. It’s like the Chamber of Lauren Secrets in there.

Still the damage is already done. The crowd at the Dal is practically sharpening their pitchforks at the thought of going after the humans. First they want Kenzi’s head on a platter, but then they go after bigger, blonder fish. The Morrigan reveals it was Dr. Lewis who supplied the poison, after somehow finding the second vial. She then whips everyone up with Fae-tionalistic talk about being the master race and superior beings. Shouldn’t everyone be goose stepping by now?

In a race war across town, Dyson is dragged into a makeshift arena. An ominous voice boomed out of an observatory tower tells him to prove his worth and demands he fight another Fae. Not just any Fae but one of his mortal enemies, a Lupercus. In case you’re rusty on your Roman mythology, that’s the god of the shepherd. So wolves and shepherds, probably not going to be besties. What ensues is kind of like a MMA dog fight. Just sniff each other’s nether regions and play nice, boys. No need for all this alpha dog posturing.

The very familiar back head of their observatory observer actually does the sinister cackle laugh as they fight. Wasn’t there a white cat for him to slowly stroke, too? Dyson finally gets the drop on his canine companion, but not before getting slashed on the chest. So he rips his throat out, quite literally. Are you not entertained?

While the fellas were growling it out, Tam and Bo try to track down the number from Lauren’s cell. But before they can go Tamsin has to deal with the boot on her truck and Bo has to snoop through her car console. There she finds her photo as well as the Rune Glass bottle. She snaps a picture because now that damn apple has conked her on the head as well. I know our tragic Valkyrie is kinda betraying Bo and everything, but darn it if it’s hard not to love her when she jimmies off the boot with a satisfied, “Sucker.”

Bo-Bo sends the pics to Kenz and asks her to investigate. But lil mama keeps being shooed away by all the Fae. Everyone wants her to run and hide. Don’t have to tell me twice. Flight all the way, baby. But our brave little toaster can’t help being a fight gal. So she asks Mr. Always Hanging Around to help her identify the picture. He says he will, for a kiss. I believe that’s called quid pro quo sexual harassment and I believe you’re gross, unkind sir. But Kenz agrees and they kiss and it was kinda good. But beware falling apples.

Tamsin and Bo have tracked the number to its location and what do you know, it has a big old observatory on the property. Tamsin deems the whole thing “bad” and warns it’ll get “bloody” and is pretty sure Lauren is “as good as dead.” She suggests they leave, take a nice hot bath together and then play Scrabble. But instead she jumps in front of one of the security guard’s bullets intended for Bo. She ghostface killas him enough for Bo to finish him off with a solid right to the jaw. And then collapses with a, “This is the last time I do anything nice for you.” See, you can’t help but root for this gal.

Or, well, maybe you can. The kissy stranger tells Kenzi the bottle means someone is trying to imprison her friend. And then he, who happens to be the druid from the Rune Glass, also calls Tamsin’s phone to relay basically the same message. Bo picks up for her and learns that the kiss from the best friend has been secured so now the serum to contain the succubus is ready. Ruh-roh. Bo knows someone has been a very stupid, very bad girl.

If you thought that was bad, the Morrigan’s motion to declare all claimed and Fae employed humans terrorists and demand their immediate imprisonment passes. She’s filled with fun jingoistic rhetoric about the one true state and so on. Next she’ll say they found yellow cake and weapons of mass destruction in Kenzi’s bedroom.

Hale rushes off to find Kenz, and tells her she must go immediately. She has a mini-to-major freak because they all used to be friends and hang and kill Garudas and stuff together. But Hale shoots back, “Dammit, Kenzi, you are not my friend. You’ve never been just a friend.” Dramatic pause. Let it sink in. Aw, do they have a shipper name?

The Morrigan saunters in and ruins the moment. She brings the muscle — like one continuous muscle in a black T-shirt — with her to take Kenz into custody. But Hale says he’s got it and cuffs her and says she’ll be imprisoned until her date of execution. He even seals it with a kiss. Because no kiss is just a kiss in this episode, he slips something into her pocket during the smooch. Let it be a key or the world’s smallest metal saw.

Back in the Observatory of Dr. Moreau, Lauren is snooping around. She stumbles into a specimen room where she finds a captive and bloody Dyson. Look, meeting your ex’s ex is awkward under almost any circumstance, but this has to take the cake. Isaac walks up and reveals his master plan. He’s been scheming since he was a boy to get back at the Fae for laughing at him. So now he’s used Lauren’s research to poison her friends and become like the Fae himself. This reveal involves him going off on your standard-issue narcissistic rant tinged with delusions of grandeur involving lots of finger pointing and raised voices and talk of doing great things. Then he locks Lauren up in one of the cells for good measure. So much for freedom.

Seems no one can escape capture this episode, as Trick tries to make his own escape (bringing along that oh-so tantalizing scroll of the fire-breathing Pegasus who may or may not be Bo’s papa). But when he emerges thugs in black suits are already there to pick him up and throw him in a car trunk. Are they human or are they Fae? I don’t know which is worse at this point.

But, oh no, this It Gets Worse video isn’t over quite yet. Lauren tries to apologize to Dyson pleading that she didn’t know. But he yells he should have listened to Hale and this is why she can never leave the Fae. Damned if you do, locked in a glass cell with angry Fae you inadvertently helped imprison and torture if you don’t. Oh, but hey, who’s that in the cell across the way? Yep, kids, mama is back. Aife lives.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

Pretty sure Kenzi set some sort of record for her creative use of the insult “dick” this week.

“Tell me your name isn’t Dickface, King of the Douchebags, is it?”

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Well I didn’t say they always had to be Bo’s.

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