“Glee” recap (4.18): Forever Crying

Previously on Glee, the space-time continuum was rent in twain when Past Will Schuester kissed Future Will Schuester’s fiance right on the mouth. Ryder got himself an online girlfriend who refused to confirm in person that she was a girl and/or a friend. Tina Vapo-rubbed down Blaine, Blaine lusted after Sam, Sam fell in love with Brittany, Brittany aced the SAT. And the Warblers were disqualified from Sectionals because of harmony doping and so New Directions got an automatic berth into Regionals.

Mr. Schue has assembled New New Directions in the auditorium to announce this year’s Regionals competition. He only gets through the Hoosier Daddies and the Nun-touchables before Brittany interrupts the meeting to announce the end of the world. She says there’s a deadly asteroid headed toward earth and that she’s named the comet Tubbingtonbop and that NASA can do nothing to help because they let a meteor just like this smash into Russia a couple of weeks ago. Blaine can’t believe they’re re-having the conversation that had at Christmas, while Artie can’t believe Brittany’s is confusing space debris with solar system bodies.

Brittany says she’s going to spend her remaining days reconciling with someone she loves very much, and the camera whirls all up into Sam’s business because he thinks, like we think, that she’s talking about Our Lady of Perpetual Hotness, Santana Lopez. But actually, she is talking about Our Lady of Perpetual Arby’s, Lord Tubbington. Sam is relieved. And confused. And relieved.

Back in the choir room, Brittany expresses dismay that Jesus Christ Superstar would end the world with an asteroid. Didn’t he already prove his vindictiveness when he wiped out the dinosaurs with a global yeast infection? And when allowed both Firefly AND Freaks and Geeks to be cancelled? Unique’s main thing is that she wants to be a girl angel once she gets to heaven. And Sam’s main thing is that he wants to have angel sex. They’re all pretty chill about the Apocalypse, to be honest, which makes sense, I guess. Now that the Harry Potter books are all finished, all of humanity’s most important questions have been answered.

Mr. Schue says they’re going to either die in a fiery planetary collision or live until Fox can stop making money off their iTunes singles, but either way they need to make some music. This week’s theme will be last chances. He wants them to channel their fear of death into singing the things they need to say to one another.

If you thought like I thought that this assignment was going to lead Blaine and Brittany to charter a plane to fly to New York to confess their feelings to Kurt and Santana, you are wrong. I know that’s the main shipper problem with this episode, that Santana and Blaine are never even mentioned. But you know what? I’ve been thinking about this pretty nonstop since I first saw the episode, and I know Glee has never really allowed Blaine and Kurt, or Santana and Brittany to fully explore their relationships the way, say, Rachel and Finn have done. But we’ve seen enough to know that none of them would ever doubt that they were loved by the other one. Santana trusted in Brittany’s love when she didn’t even trust in herself. And Blaine has never played games with his feelings about Kurt. This season, more than ever, he has made it clear that he loves Kurt, will always loves Kurt, wants to spend the rest of his life inventing ways to love Kurt.

And for this episode to land the emotional punch it was aiming for, everything needed to feel as claustrophobic as possible. It was obviously a conscious choice not to even invoke the names of the New York-based characters. Although, it is pretty preposterous to think that Blaine and Brittany wouldn’t be high-tailing it to NYC to spend their last moments on earth making out with two of the most perfect people on earth.

Ryder pounces Jake after glee practice and asks him to have sexual intercourse confesses his online relationship situation. It got a lot more complicated in English class this morning because when Ryder looked up from his essay the was writing on Nineteen Eighty-Four, he saw Katie walking slow-mo up the hallway and staring right into his eyes. He tried to get up and run after her, but he ran into the brick wall called Shannon Beiste. She was like, “Sit down and finish your ten-page, grad student-caliber essay on Nineteen Eighty-Four‘s themes of psychological manipulation through the control of history and information.” And he was all, “What is this, Pretty Little Liars?” And she was like, “Prescient that you should mention a show built on the premise of teenage death and dismemberment.”

Jake thinks the Ryder is off his nut, but he’s a good friend, so he tells Ryder if he’s going to make an ass of himself at least he should do it with a backup band.