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“Lost Girl” Recap (3.13): On the road to everlasting wander

SPOILER ALERT: This contains all the spoilers, like all of them, for the Lost Girl Season 3 finale, which aired Sunday on Showcase in Canada. The episode has not aired yet in the United States (Syfy will broadcast it at 10 p.m. next Monday). So just bookmark this page and come back Monday at 11 p.m. if you haven’t seen it yet. We’ll be waiting for you patiently.

Previously this season: Bo and Lauren make love until, and a little after, severe dehydration sets in and we all watch with hearts in our eyes because, you know, girlfriends, but then they go on a break and it’s all frowny face forever. A new bitchtastic Valkyrie ice goddess named Tamsin moves into town and we’re all, why hello, I don’t believe we’ve met, please let me carry that emotional baggage for you it seems awfully heavy. Kenzi goes a little UnKenzi, but then is back to good old Kenzi, but still wishes she was other Kenzi. Dyson takes his shirt off, again and again and — you guessed it — again. Hale is the acting Ash and wears nice suits, but a less nice attitude. Trick gets a honey. The Dawning is a Yawning. The Wanderer is the world’s worst earworm. Dr. Taft is a grown man with a boy band haircut and therefore clearly despicable. And we all miss Vex. And that’s what you missed on Lost Girl.

You ever have one of those days where just nothing is going right? Your car won’t start. Your coffee spills in your lap. Your chi won’t transfer to your gravely injured frenemy. Well, Bo is having that sort of day. We pick up where we left off. Tamsin with a bullet hole in her side. Bo fighting off a security guard. But her succu-smooch isn’t working because all the chi she sucks from the guard to give to Tamsin keeps going right back to him. She’s flummoxed as to why and so are we. Seriously, does anyone know why this is happening?

Then all of a sudden they’re both back in Bo’s apartment because magic really does exist. Or maybe she had one of those Star Trek teleporters in her back pocket. Bo has called on the Kitsune sorority sisters because, wait, why? Since they’ve been in college forever, one has been to med school — or at least pre-med — so that’s totally better than calling an actual Fae doctor. Sheesh, Lauren goes away for a couple of days and Bo has no idea who to call for sound medical advice. Of course, I’m not sure why I’m complaining. They’re wearing sparkly party dresses and make out with each other. So shut up brain, enjoy the pretty pictures.

At least the Kitsune provide needed exposition, which Bo hasn’t quite figured out yet. Tamsin is near the end of her Valkyrie life cycle (hence the clumps of hair coming out — though the split ends are more about a bad conditioning regimen). But it’s probably all for the best because she’s involved with a Voldemort-level “bad guy” who is as old as time (who, let me guess, is also a bit of a Wanderer?).

The Kitsune patch up Tam-Tam, but not before giving her a Jersey Shore-worthy makeup makeover. So much glittery eyeshadow. So much. But hey, who cares, it worked. She’s back. Damn those foxy broads did it. p.s. So much slut shaming, Tamsin. Unnecessary. There’s plenty of other stuff we can mock them for. Like are those dress colors or sherbet flavors?

Bo (who, fun fact, always goes commando) asks Tamsin to help her rescue Dyson (always the damsel, that one). She’s doubtful, because these days going full Valkyrie makes her pass out. Age can suck it. She laments Bo not seeing her in her prime when a blink of an eye could waste an entire army. Bo passive-aggressively jokes about it all ending when she fell in with a bad guy. You two, stop flirting. Except the opposite. Because a good hate flirt, while perhaps not what the missing doctor ordered, sure makes for fun TV.

Of course there’s hate flirting and then there’s the Morrigan. She cranks kinky bad girl behavior up to 11. She still has Kenzi very much in her clutches, well, more accurately the beefy arms of her henchman. She taunts Kenz with which treasured Light fae favorite she’ll kill. Not Dyson, not Lauren. But the Blood King himself, who she claims is already dead. We don’t believe her for a second, but mostly because we’re distracted by her henchman’s crazy biceps. Those guns are thicker than Kenzi’s waist.

In the specimen cells, Dyson is shirtless because of course. He’s questioning Aife, who is even crazier than normal — like speaking in nursery rhymes crazy, about Taft and his motivations. He was the one who rescued her after her big mother-daughter showdown. And since then he’s been demanding to know who the strongest, most powerful Fae is. So she gives up the wolf to save her, like he did too. Life’s cruel symmetry can be beautiful sometimes.

In another holding cell, Lauren is tending to the wounded Fae woman. She asks her if she’s really a Cabbit, a fantasy cross between a rabbit and a cat. Put a pin in that and we’ll discuss it at length later. Taft shows up and Lauren says she’ll do what he wants as along as she gets surgical tools, antiseptic and 10 minutes to save the Cabbit. This seems like a bad bargain, but don’t forget that pin. It’s so very important, that pin.

Bo and Tams go to see the Druid, because the Wonderful Wizard of Oz was busy apparently. Tamsin needs some juice to help her power up for the fight. But also there’s that whole Ruin Glass bottle to weaken Bo. Oh what a tangled web we weave. Mossimo has a potent dose of Fae-mphetamine for her, but Bo snatches it for safe keeping. He also has her bottle of Bo Kryptonite, which she palms. As they leave, Bo says she’s still lucky because she has Tamsin by her side. With friends like these and so on and so forth.

Back in the Laboratory of Overcompensation, Lauren demands Taft release all the other Fae, immediately. Honey, you can’t retroactively bargain. Your leverage is gone. Of course Taft’s rational thought is gone, so you’re kind of even. He gives her the sob story of how he came to be the megalomaniac scientist delusions of spliced species grandeur we see today. His little brother was taken by a Fae while they were camping and he was blamed for it and shipped off to a mental asylum. Granted, that’s pretty traumatic. But it’s no reason to go poking your bone into Lauren’s face. Quite literally. Um, ew — on so many levels.

Taft knew all along about Lauren working for the Fae. And of course planned her AWOL adventure so they wouldn’t take her back. Because she is the only one who can help him “ascend” into a higher evolved Fae-human hybrid. Is Faith here? Because the last time some crazy middle-aged white guy went on and on about how triumphant his ascension would be, Faith was his muscle. Oooooh, now I’m thinking about what a Faith/Bo smackdown would look like. Hot, it would look hot.

What Bo is actually doing is acting dumb, really dumb. On purpose, mind you. But her big plan to get into Taft’s compound is to act like lost teeny bopper girls. Tamsin throws in a half-hearted, “Say, do you guys know where the mall is?” Snort. I can just see her at Hot Topic searching for a top that reads “I Laid Waste to Armies and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt.”

The Morrigan is still torturing Kenzi for info. Well, trying to. It’s a lot of talk — Trick is dead, Dyson is probably dead, Hale has run off. What she really wants is intel on Bo’s lineage. Kenz won’t talk because what could she possibly tell her, like everyone knows she broke up with Lauren, can super suck a crowd and enjoys watching online cat videos. Except for that feeding off multiple chi simultaneously stuff. That’s a news nugget the Morrigan seems to savor. Dammit, Kenz, you couldn’t have said that Bo loves pizza and sometimes pizza guys too instead?

Satisfied with her intel, the Morrigan decides to bug zap Kenzi. But her Taser goes on the fritz inches from her face. She concludes the sanctuary must be warded, but zaps her henchman just in case. He’s all ouchie and kind of adorable. Big man needs a little bandage. But then she storms off telling him to end Kenzi, which is less adorable.

Bo and Tamsin get shuffled into Taft’s office. Please tell me how his genitals are hanging, said no one. Yet, alas, we’re told they’re hanging high and to the left. So there’s that information. He calls them the latest additions to his collection and Bo calls him a mad scientist. But then in walks a sane scientist. Lauren slowly strides in and when Bo rushes to her, she brushes her off. Doccubus fans, hold hands — we’ll get through this.

Lauren says, coldly, you came for Dyson. She says she knew she would. And then it comes. My So-Called Betrayal. Lauren says the Fae have ruined her life. Cursed her girlfriend. Held her prisoner (sometimes literally). This is a chance for her to do something meaningful, “to save my kind.” Bo thinks she must have been brainwashed, we all think she must have been brainwashed. But Lauren says maybe that was their problem all along. Also her name isn’t even Lauren.

Bo looks at her, deeply at her, and says, “Whoever you are, I know you, and I love you.” Whoever she is says back, “And I loved you.”

Oh, I’m sorry, were you expecting me to keep writing this recap? Because it’s kind of hard what with this arrow shot straight through my tender, beating heart.

Still as with any performance, it’s important to know your audience. Who is Lauren performing for? Not Bo. Well, a little for Bo. But mostly for Taft who has been watching closely the whole time. He asks why the change of heart. Lauren says because the Fae will never let her live and that this gives her the shot to take out the one man who has stood in her way this whole time. She tells Bo she can’t save them both, just like she couldn’t love them both. Look, I’ve been Team Lauren from the start, but I don’t want to win by actually taking out Team Dyson.

But, oh, that devil and his details. The most important take away here is that Lauren tells Taft she’ll do the surgery as long as he agrees to let Bo go. Loved my ass.

Taft gloats a bit over Dyson as he is prepped for surgery, saying how excited he is to be like him. It’s almost sad. Like, dude, just try to be yourself not someone else. Taft tells Lauren he likes the wolf and it’d be nice if he survived. Lauren shoots back, “I wouldn’t bet on it,” with a sly grin. I know it’s wrong to say, but possibly Evil Lauren is kind of growing on me.

Back in their cell, Bo and Tamsin are getting antsy. Tamsin says it feels bad, like begged for death bad, in there. If that wasn’t bad enough, mom pops up. Just like your mom, showing up at the most inopportune times to make your life more complicated and/or awkward. Tamsin is all, meeting your mother already? Slow your roll, Succubus. We haven’t even been on a date yet. Buy me some Jujubes and a ticket to an easily forgotten rom-com first.

Then Aife rants about Taft pitting Fae against Fae and how if Bo’s father was there he’d kill them all and then resurrect them and kill them all again. Now Tamsin’s like, oh gurl, I’m out. You can actually see her swallow hard. Like, meeting mom is one thing but I know who dad is and I need to be anywhere but here.

The Meet the Parents segment is interrupted because, dude, it’s finally time to fight. So Tamsin squares up her eyes to Bo and says, “Juice me.” Am I still wearing clothes? Because I don’t mean to be.

Bo grabs the back of Tam’s head and says sharing is caring. She jabs Tamsin and does the Succubus version of a blowback, where she sucks in some on Tamsin’s super juiced chi. They finally break all blue-eyed and slack-jawed and lusty roars and forget breaking out of the cell. First they’ll need a knife to cut all this sexual tension.

In the operating room a freshly scrubbed in Lauren walks over to a restrained Dyson. She tells him resistance is futile, and we all look for evidence of assimilation. Clearly, it’s the Borg making Evil Lauren happen, right? She jabs Dyson with a big-ass needle to extract bone marrow and he screams. A few seasons ago this might have been the ultimate Team Lauren wish fulfillment. But now, save the wolf, save the Doccubus.

Meanwhile, Kenzi is saving her own skin. Well, she’s saving Bruce, the henchman’s skin, which got zapped by the Morrigan. Mr. Muscles turns out to be just a big tattooed teddy bear with a Ph.D. in medieval Fae-verse. He vows to end things with Her Meanness, thanks to Kenzi’s tutelage.

Then he let’s her in on why she’s still alive. Hale slipped Dyson’s engagement inauguration present in her pocket when he was handcuffing her. It’s a magic Twig of Zamora which bestows immortality on those who possess it. Kenz realizes it was Hale trying to protect her. I realize I’m supposed to be on Team Hanzi/Kale/Whathaveyou here, but I can’t help but start to ship Benzi.

The world’s worst security guards open up Bo and Tamsin’s cell to stop them from “fighting.” Lord, what fools these mortals be. Tam-Tam goes full Valkyrie on them and they all go obediently unconscious. But, unfortunately, so does she for a bit afterward. But not before telling Bo to find Dyson and get back her “Wilco bootleg.” Interesting, I always saw her as more of a Sonic Youth, Sleater-Kinney, Yeah Yeah Yeahs kind of gal. Or maybe just Nine Inch Nails.

Bo releases all the captive Fae and grabs her mom. They run into Taft’s office where he is already fully recovered and dressed after the world’s fastest bone marrow transplant. He’s moving at blur-inducing speeds. So the procedure took. He’s cocky and gross, talking about being reborn and mating. As Speedy Gone Fae leaves he goes to stab Bo, but Aife jumps in front. Really, you’re Fae and you’re still using human weapons? Weak sauce.

Just then Dyson busts in, because you can bet on Lauren after all. He’s none the worse for wear, except for a bandage on his hip. Bo tells him whatever Taft is needs to die and he obediently wolfs out and runs off. Bo is left holding her mom. Wouldn’t this be a point you might consider giving her some chi? I know you were having some chi dysfunction problems earlier, but if at first we don’t succeed. She tells her to “Look out for him,” but leaves the him part maddeningly vague. Tamsin arrives, revived and ready to “end this.” The Cabbit arrives as well, and says she’ll stay with Aife. Silly Cabbit, chi is for Succubi.

Tamsin leads Bo into the operating room, under the guide of finding Lauren, but really because “it’s time to go.” Gird your loins, lesbians. Fierce girl fight in 3, 2, 1… Bo says she knew Tamsin would betray her, and then they circle each other like caged lions. Bo says she won’t go easy, so Tamsin pulls out her Rune Glass and hurls it at her. But it fizzles into orange sparks. Either that Druid is a dud or Bo doesn’t love and trust the way she claims. We could process that for hours, but who has time when the Fae-lebrity Deathmatch has begun.

Bo calls Tamsin old. Tamsin calls Bo a Baby Fae. They launch at each other and cut to Trick in the trunk. Come on, Lost Girl. Ain’t nobody got time for the Blood King’s bumblings. Long story short, it was Hale who kidnapped him. Also abdicated his role as acting Ash. And then sends Trick off into the sunset to hide with Stella. Right, back to Thunderdome. The women throw each other over lab tables and then shit gets serious because Tamsin pulls a sexy librarian and lets down her mane.

Tamsin tries to Valkyrie Bo, but she’s having none of her Skeletor face. Bo succu-feasts on Tamsin, but she says playtime is over. So much kicking, so much punching, so much throwing each other against walls. It’s hot in here, right? I need to take off a layer and turn on a fan.

Finally Bo has Tamsin where she wants her, that being on top. She’s probably more of a top at first, then a switch once they’ve gotten to know each other, don’t you think? But as her blue eyes blaze in for the kill, Bo realizes the fight is over. You can’t kill a dead woman, and that’s what Tamsin thinks she is already. She screams for Bo to finish her, but when she doesn’t comes back with a trusty buzz saw blade to the throat. Bo calls her “more alive than anyone I’ve known,” which is quite a compliment for a harbinger of death. And a conflicted Tamsin squeaks out a tortured, “I don’t know what to do.”

But she does, she does know what to do. She drops the blade. You see Tamsin wears her indifference and snark like a shield. A shield against centuries of taking warriors, granting death, battling hordes. Now, in essentially signing her own death warrant, she’s free. Free to feel, feel it all. Bo says it’s time to regroup and get the gang back together. Tamsin says she’ll get Dyson. Bo is going after Kenzi. Tam asks about Lauren but Bo offers up only a feeble, “I don’t know where they took her.” Um, could this be why the Druid’s magic bottle didn’t work? Where does the good go, Bo?

Tamsin — her face soft, her eyes wet — looks deep into Bo and says, “You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met — in any of my many lifetimes.” Bo thinks what we all think is going to happen and takes steps toward her, squaring herself up for it. Our body is ready, Valkubus. But then Tamsin breaks her gaze and brushes past her. Denied. But there’s no more denying the chemistry between Bo and Tamsin. Like it or not, it exists.

Back in a storyline we care less about, a character we care more about reemerges. That’s right, Vex is back. Damn, I missed that cheeky bastard. Vex is Hale’s “man on the inside,” which means he has bound and gagged the Morrigan like a sexy Christmas present. As much as I like that he’s now a double agent for the Light, I’m not wild about the sinister, even rapey connotations of him lording over a terrified, helpless Morrigan. I mean, I know she’s evil and all. But I’m a Justice League instead of Punisher kind of gal.

OK, well, sometimes I can get on board with the Punisher. Like as Dyson chases Taft through a field. The bewildered doc can’t figure out why the wolf wants him dead because they’re all in the same pack now. Brothers don’t eat brothers. But, oh, that Dr. Lewis. Remember that pin? Time to take it out. She is truly a genius, and even Dyson knows it. She made Taft half human, half Fae. Just not the half of Fae he wanted. Instead of being wolf, he’s now Cabbit. A delicious, delicious Cabbit. And this, kids, is your reminder to never, ever bet against Hotpants.

Kenzi and Goliath are trying to make a stealthy getaway as well. Bruce states the obvious, that he’s a mountain masquerading as a man. But he’s also a gentle giant because he vows to stay by Kenzi’s side and protect her. Aw, can he be her bodyguard for permanent? Because I’d love to see more wacky adventures of Kenzi and Bruce. Also, do they remind anyone else of Ginger Spice and her personal trainer?

Kenzi says she might not need his muscle that much longer, because she’s determined to go Taft and turn Fae. Bruce knows this is a terrible idea, we know this is a terrible idea, it gets even more terrible when we know it’s Mossimo the Druid she plans to see. But Kenzi is determined to nut up and do the rescuing for once. Oh Kenzi — embrace your pocket-sized human frailty. Not everyone can be a super Succubus. Some of us have to tell jokes from a safe distance.

Bruce agrees to at least shepherd Kenzi to see Mossimo. And then presents her with the keys to the Morrigan’s shiny new toy. Kenzi replies, “I love you.” And Bruce says, “I love you, too, Kenzi.” But, alas, Kenz was talking to the car. Poor Bruce berates himself with an “Idiot!” Someone snuggle Bruce, STAT.

As they speed off another vehicle pulls up elsewhere. Tamsin finds Dyson, picking his teeth from a Taft-shaped meal. They drive off, but Tamsin’s starting to sound desperate. She should have expired years ago and now there’s nowhere to run. And then things go from bad to Hellmouth because “The Wanderer” suddenly pops onto the radio. And then lookie, lookie who should appear in the middle of the road. It’s the Wanderer himself, Bo’s father.

Tamsin hits the gas because, hell, we’ve all gotta die sometime. Dyson is less on board — a lot less. But this truck keeps on trucking, but the Wanderer turns into an ominous puff of back smoke just as they arrive at impact. It fills the cabin and causes them to veer off the road, off a cliff, down an embankment. Oh, man. That’s going to leave a mark.

And here, oh man, has Lost Girl ever done something clever. It’s not the cliffhanger, necessarily. Because with this crash they’ve done more than make us just wonder whether Tamsin and/or Dyson will survive. They’ve made us actively root for it. Not just because we may like the characters. But because of the delicious irony that Dyson is Doccubus fans’ greatest hope for a full reconciliation. He is the only one alive who can vouch for Lauren just pretending to be Evil Lauren. He alone knows the tricky thing she did in turning Taft into scrumptious wolf bait. But right now, boy, it does not look so good.

Bo runs into the Dal, but finds it empty save for the radio. It springs to life and plays, what else, “The Wanderer.” The song skips on “You don’t even know my name,” and Bo concurs. His tarot card drifts down slowly from the sky. Bo’s still not impressed, and asks if he has anything more than parlor tricks. He obliges by blowing out all the glass and lights, and then sending the sinister smoke monster after her. And then the smoke makes her disappear in a puff only to reappear somewhere all-too familiar. This isn’t smoke and mirrors, folks. This is serious daddy issues.

Bring it on, Season 4.

KENZISM OF THE WEEK:

I would kill to be a fly on the wall when Kenzi and the Morrigan have a girls night and watch Magic Mike.

Morrigan: It’s so gratifying finding the pleasure in the little things.

Kenzi: Like watching Channing Tatum dancing in 3D. Why don’t we start with that?

BOOBS O’CLOCK OF THE WEEK:

Now seems like an excellent time to heap hearty thanks of series producer Emily Andras for a thrilling, well-rounded (ahem) Season 3.

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