“Once Upon A Time” recap: As Regal As A Potato (2.20)

In present-day Storybrooke, Hook and Regina go down below the basement of the library into the dragon caves. Regina pushes Hook over the edge because she’s over his smarm and needs him to be a distraction for Malificent while she gets the trigger. But Malificent isn’t a witch or a dragon this time…no, she’s a skeletal, screeching, zombie-type thing and it is NOT cute.

While Hook deals with that, Regina reaches into a glass coffin and pulls out a black stone, presumably the trigger that will destroy Storybrooke.

On the other side of town, Henry and Emma are having a stakeout, being about as stealthy as ninjas in tap shoes. Henry says he thought they’d all be in the Enchanted Forest by now, so Emma goes, “not that there’s a way, but if there WAS a way, which there definitely isn’t, but IF there was, would you really want to go?” Even Henry can tell when Emma is lying. And Henry is the worst. Proving, logically, that Emma is literally the worst liar.

At Neal and Tamara’s place, Emma uses her skills from her days as a bounty hunter (also known as walking) to find a loose floorboard, but before she can check it out, Neal comes home. Luckily he already knew Emma was a little loco in the cabeza so he helps her open the floorboard with the promise that if there’s nothing there, she backs off. There was nothing there. So she backed off. For now.

Thanks to a little thigh action (wound-tending, get your wanky minds out of the gutter), Peasant Regina is better and Snow says it’s time to move on, so she hands Regina a sword and they march along. Regina considers stabbing her right then and there, but decides to ask questions instead. At first, Snow says she wouldn’t kill Regina, that she feels sad for her, that she knows there’s good inside the Evil Queen but that it’s being masked by pain. Regina asks if she thinks it’s too late for the queen, and Snow says she doesn’t think it’s too late for anyone. That is, until she sees the entire village of dead people.

Snow figures out that it’s Regina beneath the potato sack and trains an arrow on her. Regina insists that there is good in her, just like Snow had said, but the archeress has changed her tune, considering how many dead people are within a stone’s throw. Regina calls for Rumplestiltskin again but apparently he’s Beetlejuice-ing her because he doesn’t show up for a second time. Regina runs away and Snow’s too good to kill her, so she gets away.

Flash forward to Storybrooke. Regina emerges from the bowels of the library to find Hook waiting with his two new cronies. She is shocked to see Hook still alive, and he retorts with ‘the one thing I excel at is surviving’ and I think he’s selling himself a little short – he also has superb eyeliner skills and is really great at falling down.  Regina goes to finish the job, but Tamara and Stranger Greg have somehow stripped her of her powers. As it turns out, Hook had tricked Regina into asking for her mother’s wrist cuff, and the cuff is full of metal? And stuff? So she can’t use her magic now. Because, science. They throw a bag over her perfect head and tote her off, smug looks on their annoying faces.

Over at the Charming Loft, Emma sexily eats ice cream. There is nothing really to talk about here, I just wanted to include this:

Credit: emmaswans.tumblr.com

Meanwhile, across town, the Charmings and Grumpy go to the bean fields to find them all destroyed. Mary Margaret’s innocence is bordering on stupidity at this point as she asks, “Who could have done this?”

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Potato Regina storms into Rumplestiltskin’s castle, demanding to be changed back. She has finally learned what The Dark One has been trying to tell her all along. She says, “They’ll never love me.”

Next week, we’re OFF TO NEVERLAND!

What did you think of “The Evil Queen”?

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