Archive

“Glee” Recap (4.21): That’s What Friends Are For

Previously on Glee, Blaine Warbler did some dumb stuff with Eli C. and so Kurt broke up with him forever – except for Christmas and weddings and funerals and Valentine’s Day and Halloween and Arbor Day and Citizenship Day and Groundhog Day and Susan B. Anthony Day. Finally Blaine just told Kurt that they were going to be together for all the days, “And don’t freak out, but my doctor says I’ve contracted Ultimate Tight Pants Syndrome (UTPS) and apparently it’s contagious.” Rachel got a callback for Fanny Brice. Brittany got an invitation to MIT. And Finn Hudson joined Clown College.

Rachel calls up Mr. Schue to tell him he’s the number one main reason that she’s about to land a major Broadway role at the tender age of 19. She says he inspired her so much that she sang “Don’t Stop Believin'” with backup by the ghosts of New Directions at her Funny Girl audition. Will goes, “But the way I remember it, that song didn’t have anything to do with me, and in fact it was the first of many times that you guys had to get your shit together on your own and perform like angels while I skulked around in the shadows feeling sorry for myself.” Rachel’s like, “Eh, maybe, but I just don’t feel right not attributing my success to some man or another.” (hashtag glee hates women, wink-wink, jerk-off motion.)

Kurt packs up his stuff to head to Ohio so he can be with Burt when he finds out if his Sweeps Cancer is cured. The sad beautiful lamb has adopted some compulsive behaviors to deal with his anxiety. For example, he’s only wearing light-colored clothes because they match the clear blue sky which is a metaphor for smooth sailing, terminal disease-wise. Also, he taps the side of his nose now, twice every hour, like TV sleuths do when they “knows” something. Kurt oughta tap his nose every time he catches his own reflection because he knows that his nose is attached the most flawless of all the faces in the land.

Now you know I love to give ol’ Will Schuester a hard time, but there’s something to be said for a high school teacher who creates such a safe space for gay kids that they come back when they come home because they know that’s where they’ll find the best love and support. (Unless you’re a young transgender woman who wants talks about boobs, in which case: “Shut up already!” and/or “You’re looking extra buxomy today!”) The point is that Kurt is back, and for all his talk about Blaine just being his good buddy, he spends an inordinate amount of time mooning over him in the hallway while wearing a pair of trousers that adamantly refuse to hide his light under a bushel. They are what Dolly Parton might call “painted-on jeans, all decked out like a cow[boy]’s dream.”

Mr. Schue says this week’s theme is Wonder-ful, like Stevie Wonder-ful, because Rachel’s about to be the new Babs, and Mercedes is back to do more than backup sing for Rachel and cockblock Blaine and Kurt, and Mike Chang is here which means there will be real dancin’, and also Will managed to re-re-propose to Emma without the assistance of 20 caroling youths.

One person who is not really feeling Wonder-ful is Artie, which, bizarrely enough, is only noticed by Kitty. She chases down Artie in the hallway and confesses that she keeps everyone on their toes by being the greatest some days and the worst on other days, but today happens to be one of the good ones, so how come Artie is so sullen and withdrawn? It’s because he got accepted to a Brooklyn film school – conveniently located two blocks from the Hummelpezberry loft, one presumes – but that he is not going because his mom is too worried about him. Kitty decides the antidote to his worries is a rousing rendition of “Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” during which performance she flies through the air a little bit and also throws herself at Artie in a semi-sexual way. She lets it slip to the whole group that Artie got into film school and everyone cheers and everyone claps and Artie scowls and bounces.

The Lima Bean. So, 4G in Ohio is really slow. Like reaaaallly slow. Blaine checks his tweets and sees that the Marriage Equality Act was just signed into law in New York. He’s very excited about it. Kurt’s face goes, “Yes, that is a thing that just happened – in 2011.” But he knows, like we know, that Blaine is just using this “news” as an excuse to say the word “marriage” over and over in Kurt’s presence to get him acclimated to the idea. And just as a confirmation, he sort of whispers at Kurt: “You look cute today. And I mean, like, dirty cute.”

Also looking dirty cute is Mike Chang, who is back to direct Mercedes’ music video while they work together to coach New Directions though Regionals. Mercedes wants to talk about Kurt and Blaine’s whole deal, Mike wants to talk about how his ex-girlfriend straddled Blaine in his sleep and did non-consensual Vaporub things to him, and Blaine’s over there just going “weddings, gay weddings, marriage in New York, gay marriage in New York, equality, weddings, love love, weddings.” Kurt snaps and says none of that stuff is important night now, because I guess Kurt doesn’t read Tumblr. The four of them hold hands and use the power of their collective awesomeness to heal Burt’s cancer.

And it works! Because at the doctor’s office Burt finds out that he doesn’t have anymore cancer! Kurt forgives him for wearing a death-colored t-shirt under his flannel and they hug and it is lovely.

Back at McKinley, Mercedes and Mike have brought their own brand of teaching to glee club. Mercedes decides the best thing she can do – and she is quite right – is to sing for them to demonstrate the greatness to which they should all aspire. She chooses “Superstition” because it not only showcases her vocal abilities; it also has just the right beat for her to smack Marley in the head with a random maraca. Also, she gives everyone a pep talk about how there’s nothing to be afraid of on this show because everything from paralyzation to prostate cancer can be cured by magic. “So sing with your soul and trust that these writers can’t even remember their own names most days!”

Mike also decides that positive reinforcement is the way forward. He grabs Jake in the hallway after class and tells him he’s a triple threat and to own it. They tag-team “I Wish,” and I do like Jake and I do think he’s talented but the only person who can hold their own dancing next to Harry Shum Jr. is Heather Morris and she doesn’t even go here anymore.

Kurt doesn’t really go here either, but he is always welcome, and so is Burt, which works out well because Kurt drags him to the choir room to “celebrate life’s most treasured and wonderful gift: a second chance.” Burt thinks he’s talking about a second chance at life and Blaine thinks he’s talking about a second chance at love and The Backlot doesn’t care what he’s talking about; they just want the camera to pan down because Kurt is wearing another pair of those spray-on jeans.

Naw, for real. Kurt sings a song his dad used to sing to him and it is “You Are The Sunshine of My Life.” I started crying one nanosecond into it and cried the whole way through and not just because Chris Colfer’s dance moves are everything important in this life.

Because she hasn’t spent much time in the business (or watched even one season of American Idol or, like, any TV commercial ever, including ones for candy bars) Mercedes has been operating under the delusion that talent, rather than sex, is what sells. She is incorrect, obviously. Her producer calls to say that if she won’t show her tits and fanny on her new album cover, there’s not going to be an album at all. So Mercedes tells him that’s just fine. She’ll sell her own CDs out of a box in her church parking lot. (I would walk 500 miles to buy that CD.) Mr. Schue says he’s proud of her because even though she doesn’t have a record deal, she has her integrity, and now also she has a reason to move to New York too. She sings a little “Higher Ground” and me and Unique are in raptures the whole time.

Guess who talks Artie into going to film school? Mmm hmm. It’s Kitty. Well, actually, it’s his mom, but only because Kitty drops by to tell her Artie is freaking out about leaving home. Artie’s mom tells him that these Lima storylines are a sinking ship and if he wants to survive, he’s got to get his ass to Bushwick. He agrees. They hug. It’s very sweet.

And finally, Blaine requests an audience with Burt Hummel so he can present him with a gay rainbow pin and also ask his permission to marry Kurt. Burt, amazingly, goes, “Dude, are you off your nut right now? Have you learned nothing from watching Finn and Rachel? Look, you love Kurt, right, with all your whole heart? And you know in your bones that this thing between you is for forever, yeah? Relax into that knowledge, Blaine. Don’t put him in a chokehold to keep from losing him. Just reach out your hand and when he grabs hold, take the next small step, together.”

Burt Hummel: Best dad of all dads.

New Directions close it out with “For Once in My Life.” Kevin McHale gets his first solo since, like, season two or something. He sounds fantastic. They look like a melon-colored Brady Bunch-themed wedding up there, but they sound like they’re ready to bring home that Regionals trophy.

Those flibbertigibbet gays that used to talk shit about Adam’s Apples have found out about Rachel’s second callback for Funny Girl. They accost her in the hallway at NYADA and frenemy her about how she’s up against Meryl Streep’s daughter and also Cassandra July is going to literally murder her when she hears the news that Rachel is planning to skive off her dance final for her audition. After talking at Rachel for 10 minutes, they zoom into Cass’ office where she is trying on one of the ten million bra/blazer combos that she wears everywhere all the time. The flibbertigibbet gays are like, “Gossip gossip gossip!” And Cassandra is like, “ABS IN YOUR FACE, BITCHES.” It’s a rather convincing argument.

Cassandra tracks down Rachel and insults her in all the ways before telling her she’s moving her dance audition to tomorrow. Rachel goes, “But no fair!” And Cassandra goes, “ABS SOME MORE, YOU FEEL ME?!”

But you guys, Cassandra wasn’t really planning a dance final for Rachel; instead, she was planning a break-a-leg dance party for Rachel. Cass sings a little “Uptight (Everything’s Alright).” She also twirls and whirls around with Rachel and smiles and grins and generally acts like a regular human being for three straight minutes.

To thank Cassandra for not murdering her, Rachel buys her a new dance teacher stick from a “Broadway flea market.” They stare at each other for a long time and move closer and closer and closer. Cassandra says she was only a dick to Rachel because she believed in her so much and Rachel says, “Quinn Fabray used to do the same thing to me and we almost made out like this all the time too. Bipolar blondes are kind of my thing.”

Next week: There’s a wedding afoot! Whose? Who knows! In a world where MIT declares Brittany the smartest person since Einstein, literally anything is possible!

Thank you forever to Lindsay (@scenicpenguin) for staying up all night to screencap for us.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button