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“Mistresses” recap (1.02): Japanese Bondage Ropes

Previously on Mistresses: Joss moved into Savi’s guest house, Savi’s hubby’s lil’ swimmers are no Ryan Lochtes, Savi cheated, Karen cheated, April’s husband cheated – they weren’t messing around when they named this show.

Sadly, we immediately find out that Savi is having some major regrets about cheating – I’m talking sobbing-on-the-bathroom-floor regrets.

Luckily, Joss is here to make the morning a little brighter, still dressed in a absolutely fabulous costume from her night of partying.

She says she went as “Thor’s girlfriend” but that the hammer was a bitch to dance with. Savi is a little frustrated with her little free-spirited sister and Jes promises to stumble directly into her guest house from now on.

April rallies Karen and Savi for some advice about this baby mama drama and while they wait for April to arrive, Karen tells Savi that she is still getting messages from her dead lover’s son. Savi still strongly advises just ignoring little Sam until he goes away, that no good can come of talking to him.

April shows up and exhales her greeting and her burden all at once, saying “Good morning, Paul had a baby with another woman.” She is freaking out because she doesn’t even have anyone to yell at, since her husband’s dead. Savi puts on her optimist hat and says maybe this chick is just scamming her, maybe they ought to investigate a little before they just accept it as truth.

On the way out to their cars, Savi tells Karen that she cheated on Harry. Karen tries to psychoanalyze who she cheated on him with and why, but Savi insists that it had nothing to do with Dominic. Karen raises an eyebrow and suggests maybe she figure out why she did cheat before she goes confessing her sins.

Quite frankly, I’m not sure I would take post-cheating advice from someone who never actually had to deal with the post-cheating consequences of her cheating, even if she WAS a therapist.

At the house, Joss is attempting to make scrambled eggs, but her professional chef brother-in-law decides to take over. Joss adorably asks, “What’s up with the house of sadness?” and offers him some advice about dealing with fighting with her sister, something she is something of an expert at.

A phone call interrupts their breakfast bonding – it’s Alex, telling Joss that they need to take a little break from the house hunting, because it’s putting Sally in a bad mood and no one likes a grumpy girlfriend. Joss tells her that she should stick up for herself, and that since her afternoon is free now, she’d like to take her out to lunch. Alex knows this is just a sales pitch, but Joss swears it will only be a little work-related, that really she just likes talking to her and wants to “take her to a taco stand.” Mmmmhm.

At her office, Karen calls Handsome Jacob into her office to ask him – hypothetically, of course – how to handle her little pest problem. He gives her better advice than Savi and says to be upfront and honest, but gentle. I like you, Handsome Jacob. You can stay.

Unfortunately, Karen does not successfully follow Handsome Jacob’s advice and ends up agreeing to get coffee with Sam.

Savi’s law firm is apparently a branch of the Ministry of Magic, because she already has full reports on the mystery woman who showed up with a toddler at April’s door. Unfortunately, things are not looking great, because this Miranda character worked at the very hotel April’s late husband stayed at “for business” at least twice a month. This fact causes April to go into an anti-cheating rant, which makes Savi blurt out that she had cheated on her husband just last night. April is horrified and wishes her friend had kept that indiscretion to herself.

At the taco stand, Joss is telling Alex that she should have the upper hand in the relationship because she’s hotter. They banter a bit and Joss uses her effortless charm to convince Alex to come alone to see one more house the next day.

Back at Savi’s house, Joss finds Harry milling about, waiting for Savi. Joss is beyond thrilled that he was taking her relationship advice – something that probably happens never – even though he now has to leave for work and can’t follow through.

Savi heads back to work from her lunch with Karen, where they bonded over their terrible decision-making skills. She finds Dominic for the first time that day and makes it very, VERY clear that they are never, ever, EVER getting back together. Dom seems agreeable, but would like the record to show that she did, in fact, kiss him first.

Karen is going against everyone’s advice and having coffee with Sam, who is very flirtatious and apparently 20 years old. Which is less creepy than high school, but still icky, considering her history with his family. They chat a little awkwardly until Sam finally puts the icing on the awkward cake by spilling all over her skirt. She’s finally realizing what a terrible idea this was and tells him to have a nice life.

Harry visits Savi at work and offers to take her to lunch, but she’s already been to lunch with like three other people already today, so she has to turn him down. He’s being all sweet and apologizing for being a Class A Jerkwad when he found out he didn’t have superhuman sperm when Dom pops his head in to tell Savi they have a meeting. The guys shake hands and Savi goes pale but Dom leaves without a problem. Harry can see Savi is busy, so he tells her that he talked to the doctor and they can still make a baby so not to worry.

Across town, Joss is showing Alex (who is flying solo again) a big, fancy house owned by a crazy guy with shrunken heads. To prove his insanity, Joss goes snooping through some drawers and finds a creepily need underwear/sock drawer – and a drawer full of ropes. Alex recognizes them as Japanese Bondage Ropes and blows both Joss’s and my mind by knowing exactly how to use them.

Savi finally can’t stop avoiding doing actual work to sort out her personal life and has a meeting with… oh, great, the wife of Karen’s dead ex-patient/lover. Which, by the way, is possibly a conflict of interest. Anyway, the wife is worried about the investigation, especially because if they get to the point where they have to exhume the body, she’s in a heap of trouble. Savi reminds her that they have a strict lawyer/client confidentiality policy, but the wife swears she has nothing to hide.

Also lying is Karen, who is being visited by an investigator on the same case. He asks about Thomas’s emotional state in his last few months, which Karen says was one of acceptance. At first he presses her, but then he backs off, taking her word for it. On his way out, he tosses over his shoulder that maybe she should dig out her notes, on the super-rare, totally-unlikely chance he’d need to see them. You know the notes she shredded last week as I screamed “NOOO!” at my television? Yeah, those ones.

On her way out, a frazzled Karen runs into Sam, who had come by to offer to pay for dry cleaning, since he ruined her skirt. She has had quite enough of his face and tells him as much. He does not take kindly to being asked to disappear, so he slinks away with his tail between his legs.

Cut to Joss, IN LINGERIE, trying out the bondage trick Alex taught her with some guy. She pauses tying up her night’s conquest because her phone rings and it’s Alex. Alex is calling to thank Joss for giving her the courage to stand up to Sally and tell her what she really wants, and that it went over well. Joss is quite pleased – her second adventure in advice-giving seems to be going well. Forgetting all about Bondage Boy, she curls up in a chair and asks Alex to dish on all of the details of her conversation with Sally.

April and Karen are chatting, because April is somehow more OK with being the mistress, but not OK with having a mistress (or the male equivalent). She holds the blame more on the parties that took the vow. Karen and April both have anger and sadness, but they don’t have anywhere to put it. Karen feels guilty because she feels like Thomas isn’t really hers to miss, and Karen feels lost because all of her memories of her husband are now tainted. She wants to burn all of his things in a bonfire, but doesn’t want her daughter to suffer this memory-staining she’s dealing with.

Back at home, Savi catches Joss stealing food again, and Joss uses the time to try to go three-for-three in giving good advice. Savi appreciates but declines the offer, and warns her baby sister that she doesn’t want to see any strangers at the breakfast table. Joss laughs openly at the thought. “As if I’d let him stay over.”

Savi and Harry finally get a minute alone to talk to each other, and Savi confesses that she thinks they’re in a rut. They had been scheduling sex for months now, and that’s not how she had hoped to be living her life. She thought she wanted a baby, but now she’s not sure if she does. He says it’s OK, that they’ll make it work, and they start to kiss and make up. Harry asks if that’s all that’s bothering her, and Savi says yes, that’s all. Then her pants burst into flames because she’s a LIAR LIAR.

Just kidding, they don’t. But some of her clothes do come off.

While things are getting hot and heavy, Savi’s phone goes off because Dominic is calling. She sees her tryst’s name on her phone and proves she’s still got her head on her shoulders by totally ignoring the call.

What did you think of “The Morning After”?

Here are some of our favorite #HomoWrecker tweets from this week:

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