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“Top Chef” Recap: Episode 4.11 “Restaurant Wars”

Quickfire: How you like your eggs?

Elimination: War is not the answer.

Padmaism: “We’re not joking around here on Top Chef.”

Wake up, sleepy heads – Tom Colicchio enters the house in the wee small hours of the morning. The six remaining sleepy cheftestants are surprised out of their slumber at 5:45 a.m. They look thrilled.

So, why the early wake-up call? Well, Quickfire, of course. They will be working the egg station at one of Chicago’s most popular breakfast joints.

Spike: Egg cookery is the most precise cooking technique there is, especially on a short-order line. It’s a tough job, and any chef will tell you that.

As the chefs all quickly dress and prepare to leave, Spike has one last bon mot.

Spike: Let’s get the egg out of here.

Ahh, eggs. Hard to cook with, harder to pun with.

Don’t burn the toast – The chefs arrive at Lou Mitchell’s, a Chicago institution since 1935. The place is bustling. Sitting at the counter is Tom, who introduces the chefs to owner Helene. She will watch each chef as they take a turn at the egg station and then pick the one she would hire as the winner.

Helene looks like she means business. She introduces the chefs to “The Hole,” a colorful and not entirely affectionate name for the high-paced egg station. The chefs get a few minutes to watch the restaurant’s cook whip out orders, and then it’s time to break some eggs.

Antonia is up first. Already, her attitude matches the no-nonsense challenge. Well, at the very least her T-shirt has the right idea. Yo Biotch, indeed!

She handles her time in The Hole with what seems like ease. Now let’s see how the rest of our chefs fare.

Last one in is a rotten egg – The remaining chefs’ time in egg hell is cut into a montage of varying degrees of ineptitude. Stephanie loses sight of her eggs in a murky poaching pot. Richard doesn’t know the lingo. Lisa almost burns down the building – her Styrofoam to-go box got a little too close to an open flame. On the plus side, she may have invented a new dish: eggs flambé.

Spike is up, and I hear a lot of cussing. What else is new? And then Dale brags about how everything is working out pretty well during his turn. Again, what else is new?

Once they’re all done serving their time in The Hole, Helene says they all did a remarkable job and that it was a tough decision. She says she wrestled between two people: Antonia, who was calm and controlled, and Dale, who was smooth. Who was eggstraordinary? (See, I told you egg puns were hard.) Antonia.

No matter what else happens this episode, the priceless look on Dale’s face when he loses has made it all worth it. As the winner, she gets an advantage to be named later in the Elimination Challenge.

Take me to you, Padma – Tom tells the chefs he has a charity event to go to and won’t be at the Elimination Challenge. No Tom at Judges’ Table? That’s like no sun in the morning. Or no moon at night. Wait, I think I just accidentally lapsed into song.

Tom hands Antonia a secret message telling the chefs where to meet Padma. No one knows the address, so they whip out their handy-dandy GPS-enabled cell phones. Gosh, Verizon, you’re the best. Can you hear the product placement now?

The chefs arrive at an unfamiliar building. Inside an empty warehouse, they find the lovely Padma. Now, if Verizon sold a GPS-enabled phone that would lead me to Padma’s exact location anywhere on the planet, that’s something I would actually buy. Wait, forget this recap, I’m copyrighting that. It’s my idea, mine!

As I plot ways to triangulate the precise longitude and latitude of Padma at any given moment, the chefs are told that the whole Wedding Wars in lieu of Restaurant Wars challenge was a ruse. That’s right, biotches, Restaurant Wars is back!

The news makes everyone happy. Dorky smiles and fist pumps abound. Last chefbian standing Lisa can’t wait.

Lisa: I am really excited about this. This is like what I’ve been f—ing waiting for. Restaurant Wars was initially my goal, and I was like I want to make it not to, but through Restaurant Wars.

How to be a team player – The six chefs will split into two teams and divide the space where they’re standing in half to make their restaurant. Each team will serve 35 diners on a budget of $1,500 for food and $5,000 for décor.

At this point, Antonia learns what her secret advantage is: She gets to pick her own team. Wow, now that’s one hell of an advantage. Antonia, being a very smart girl, picks Stephanie and Richard.

Stephanie: It’s kind of funny. We were on the team of Wedding Wars together, and the other three people were on the team for Wedding Wars together. It’s sort of like a rematch.

It may be a rematch, but it’s hardly a fair fight. Take a look at those teams, folks – who do you think will work the best together?

Dale is less than thrilled with his team. But he says he feels better about his team now than at Wedding Wars.

Dale: Not to say that Nikki’s personality was horrible, but it’s one less to deal with.

Gosh, and he says he isn’t in Top Chef to make friends.

We’ve got spirit, yes we do – The teams have an hour to plan their food and concept. I have a few seconds to give each a team nickname. Since I’m still working on the Padma GPS, I go for the easy initials route. Say hello to Team ARS (Antonia, Richard, Stephanie) and Team LSD (Lisa, Spike, Dale). The irony of Team ARS’ name is not lost on me, considering Team LSD is the one with all the arses on it.

Team ARS feel like they have an advantage because Richard has opened a restaurant before (called Blaise Up – the man loves his puns). They decide to go with a gastro pub and serve fine-dining food in a relaxed atmosphere.

The duties are divided easily: Antonia is executive chef, Richard is chef de cuisine and Stephanie is front of the house. They name their restaurant Castro Bistro.

East meets stereotypes – Team LSD isn’t having quite as easy a time. They decide to do what Lisa calls “a really fun, good vibe, good energy, Asian feel with just amazing Asian food.” The three chefs who have worked in Asian restaurants have decided to make Asian food. Now that’s thinking outside the box.

Also, how can those three open anything that has a “good vibe, good energy” when together they are the very definition of “bad vibe, bad energy”? Dale is actually drumming his fingers on the table as Lisa speaks. I fear Team LSD is in for a very bad trip indeed.

Lisa wants to be the executive chef. Dale wants to be the executive chef. They decide by coin flip, and Dale wins.

Dale: Asian guy, Asian chef, Asian restaurant. I mean, it only adds credibility.

So, Dale, does that mean Asians are only credible when they cook Asian food? And Mexicans when they cook Mexican food? And Africans when they cook African food? And Caucasians when they cook baloney sandwiches? Somewhere a diversity trainer is weeping softly.

Lisa: Dale has pissed off a lot of people, and two of the people that he has pissed off the most are on his team. So it is making me feel really nervous.

Spike in the meantime thinks they should come together and rise above it. But his sudden team spirit isn’t for the sake of unity but to get one of the “top contenders” from Team ARS kicked off. They name their restaurant Mai Buddha, but from the look on Lisa’s face, they’re anything but Zen.

Did you make reservations? – At the grocery store, the teams purchase everything they will need to start their restaurants from scratch. Team LSD is having a hard time finding all their components for their Asian fusion menu. Whole Foods doesn’t carry sticky rice, really? Dale grabs a mix used for rice puddings instead. Um, well, I guess it’s sticky.

Next the chefs cruise over to Pier 1 Imports to spend their $5,000. God, just imagine how much stuff they could have bought with $5,000 at IKEA. They could have furnished a dozen restaurants with that budget. Of course, they would also have to spend the entire challenge assembling their purchases with that tiny Allen wrench and those insane, wordless instructions.

So, maybe Pier 1 isn’t such a bad idea after all.

Spike assumes Team LSD’s front of the house responsibilities as well as interior design duties. I’ve got to question the wisdom of leaving a man who wears so much truly terrible headgear in charge of anything aesthetic.

But true to their restaurant’s name, they buy a boatload of Buddhas.

War, huh, yeah! What is it good for? – As they return to the warehouse kitchen, the teams divide and conquer tasks. Their menus and styles could not be more different. Each team serves three courses with two options per course.

Team ARS:

First course – beet and goat cheese salad, linguine and clams

Second course – trout with cauliflower, lamb leg and loin

Third course – gorgonzola cheesecake, banana “scallops”

Team LSD:

First course – shrimp laksa (soup), pork and pickled plum pot-stickers

Second course – butterscotch miso scallops, braised short ribs

Third course – halo-halo (flavored ice), mango sticky rice

Hmm, both teams have decided to recycle dessert dishes they had success with in past challenges: Richard’s “scallops” and Dale’s halo-halo. Don’t fix it if it ain’t broke, eh?

Spike, ever the strategist, has decided to make one dish. I detect a trend. Remember when he decide to claim one dish as his own during Wedding Wars and it saved his ass(hat)? This time he picks the braised short ribs.

Hey, you look familiar – The chefs get busy cooking. Antonia is worried about their made-from-scratch pasta, which isn’t coming together as planned. They didn’t buy any backup pre-made pasta, so she is having “a little bit of a heart palpitation about it.”

Before she can go into full-blown cardiac arrest, in walks a guy I know has No Reservations. Kitchen bad boy Anthony Bourdain is back and wearing the blue chef jacket normally reserved for Tom. In Tom’s absence, he will serve as the head judge.

Team LSD starts to worry about cooking Asian food for a man who has globe-trotted as extensively as Bourdain.

Spike: If there is any chef out there that has traveled all of Asia, it’s him. I think Dale is pissing his pants a little bit on this one.

But before Dale can break out the Depends, Bourdain goes to talk with each team. He seems impressed by Team ARS’ division of labor and decision to not use the smoke gun. Over at Team LSD, he tells Lisa he really loves laksa and takes it very seriously. Now it’s Lisa’s turn for some adult diapers.

Bourdain breaks down each team afterward. He says Team ARS is “deliberately creating modest expectations” but no one is “taking any big chances.” Whereas at Team LSD, things could go “really, really well here or really badly,” and that “Asia is big, how good can you be at all of those things?”

Hey, you really, really look familiar – Before Bourdain leaves, he drops one last surprise on the teams. But this time it’s a good surprise. Because of the grueling demands of Restaurant Wars, each team will get one additional pair of hands. And where will those hands come from?

Bourdain: Maybe you know these people from such shows as this one.

Indeed, it’s the four most recently eliminated Top Chef contestants: Andrew, Nikki, Mark and Jennifer.

Aw, it’s great to see chefbian Jennifer back on the show because if nothing else, her faux-hawk is far superior to Richard’s.

Bourdain says that since Team ARS (he calls them Woodstock) got to pick first last time, Team LSD (he calls them Altamont) will get to pick first now. Dammit, I think his nicknames might be better than mine.

Team LSD picks Jennifer. Chefbians unite!

Lisa: I think choosing Jen is the best decision we could have possibly made. Jen is an amazing chef, she is a hard worker, she’s got a great attitude towards everything.

Remind me why she isn’t still on the show again?

Team ARS picks Nikki, and Antonia immediately tells her that she is their pasta savior.

Don’t boil over – With three hours left to cook, the teams put their heads down and get to work. Dale’s head is hanging for another reason. The avocado mousse he made to go with his halo-halo has turned out gray. Mmm, nothing says “dig in” like gray food.

Apparently he dropped a brown, rotten avocado into the mix, and Lisa says the mistake has put him on edge. As he storms around the kitchen Lisa has yet another rice issue. Her rice has been pulled off the burner too soon. If I was her, I’d take this as a sign that the universe does not want her to cook rice. Or maybe just Dale.

They then proceed to tell each other to calm down and chill out. Hey kettle, your pot is black.

Lisa: I am not going to try to make a big conflict with Dale, there is no point. You know, you are going to set the tone for me. And as much as I try to overcome your poor attitude, it is going to bring my attitude down. It’s not the appropriate way to behave, but it’s human nature.

How very Zen of her. As you can see, Team LSD is totally taking their Buddhist theme to heart. Ahem.

Seafood Cleaning 101 – Over at Team ARS, the conflicts are less personality-based. Nikki is sampling the linguine and clams and gets grit. Richard claims the clams got washed well. But Nikki tries it again and gets more grit. Who keeps putting Richard in charge of cleaning seafood? Does no one else remember the scaly fish debacle? No one?

Luckily, Antonia takes charge and has Richard clean the clams again.

Antonia: We don’t look at it like I want to take credit for this dish or I want to shine on this dish or rar-rar-rar-rar-rar. We’re looking at it like all of these dishes collectively is what is going to have us succeed so we’re all going to be here tomorrow.

Soup Making 101 – Team LSD has a decidedly less kumbaya approach to its dishes. Lisa is having problems with her laksa. She has Dale taste it, and he says he doesn’t taste heat, just smoke. But when it comes down to how to fix it, he tells the cameras it’s not his problem.

Dale: I mean, it’s not my soup so I don’t know how to fix it.

Spike tastes it too and tells Lisa he gets a sour, smoky taste. To the cameras, he is just as unhelpful.

Spike: You should have asked me for my recipe. This is awful. The bottom line is they cannot hold me accountable for the food.

Hey, Spike, the show is called Top Chef. So, call me crazy, but I think if you want to actually win Top Chef you should maybe take some accountability for the food. But I guess you’re playing another game, Top Asshat. In which case, we can just quit now because you are the undisputed winner. Take a bow, dude.

Be sure to tip your waitstaff – The waiters arrive an hour before service is set to begin. Each team goes over their menus with them.

Stephanie: I let them know that we are here to have fun … Eating and drinking is meant to be fun. It’s not meant to be stuffy and, like, wear a suit and tie.

Amen, sister, amen. Of course, who shows up in a suit and tie?

Really, I couldn’t make stuff this good up if I tried.

Lisa, meanwhile, is having problems with another dish. Her sticky rice is not sticky. It’s never a good thing when your food doesn’t match its adjective. And, again, it’s a problem with the rice. Seriously, I meant it. No more rice, woman. Though this dish may not be entirely her fault.

Lisa: I got forced into doing mango sticky rice because he is executing the other dessert.

Interestingly, Dale does have a suggestion when it comes to sticky rice. He suggests folding pastry cream into the mix. Who thinks this is going to turn out badly? Anyone, anyone?

And – surprise, surprise – the dish comes out with the consistency of baby food. Really nasty baby food.

May I take your order? – The seconds tick down, and it’s time to throw open those doors. The diners stream in and, for a second, I think Stephanie is trying to hide behind the foliage. It’s very crouching tiger, hidden honorary chefbian of her.

But she finds her composure and warmly greets the guests – and among the first of them are the judges. Padma, guest head judge Bourdain, Former Queer Eye-er Ted Allen and guest judge José Andrés, the host of the PBS show Made in Spain. How relieved do you think Stephanie is that they didn’t go with Spanish food right about now?

As she runs back to the kitchen door, she tells the servers to tell her teammates to start the food. And, oh yeah, it’s for the judges. The first course comes out. Bourdain calls the linguine better than expected, and Chef Andrés loves the texture of the pasta. The salad gets a “really nice” from Allen and a “delicious” from Padma.

All you need is love – As they send out their second course, Richard gives some love to Nikki.

Richard: Hey, chef, this looks tight. You’re just like f—ing awesome.

I agree, but I’m busy giving Stephanie some love. Any woman who can get her cleavage that close to Padma’s head deserves a medal – and possibly a parade.

In the meantime, the judges are giving the team’s second course some major love. Bourdain really loves the lamb dish. Ted loves that they left the skin on the trout. Basically, it’s a lovefest. And the love train just keeps on chugging as the third and final course is served.

Padma: I was expecting to hate this gorgonzola [cheesecake], but I have to say I love it.

Fine, some of the dessert choices are called “interesting” and given points more for boldness than flavor. But if the look of the brown sauce smear on the banana dessert plate is the biggest thing the judges can criticize (Ted says it looks like the New York City sidewalks, snicker), you’re sitting pretty damn pretty.

Who’s laughing now? – Next up it’s time for Team LSD and their Mai Buddha restaurant to strut its stuff. The big red laughing Buddha is either a sign of good things to come or a portent of doom. The judges’ reaction to the décor hints at the latter.

Bourdain: Silver and purple? I don’t know, I feel like I’m in the back of Prince’s van.

Allen: Is it more Prince or is it more Aerosmith from the mic stand?

Oh, snap.

Unlike the lovefest inside and out of the kitchen at Team ARS, Team LSD is a flurry of nerves and complaints. Lisa says she knows she messed up her soup and will have to pay for it. Dale wants to know why his dishes are just sitting in the window instead of being served.

As the food comes out, Padma makes a loud, happy “Ooooh!” sound when she sees the pot-stickers. Wow, the woman must really love pot-stickers. And then she tastes them.

Padma: I’ll tell you what I think is delicious are these slammin’ dumplings.

I make a mental note to have some pot-stickers with me after I locate her on my Padma GPS Device (trademark pending).

Size doesn’t matter – Back in the kitchen, Spike wants the portions of his short rib dish to be bigger. Gee, why could that be? Lisa insists they’re plenty big, but Spike won’t let up. He says the scallop entrée is way bigger. Dale ends the bickering with a “let’s just get the plate out” followed by “f—ing idiot” under his breath.

The short ribs go out and Padma is excited, again.

Padma: I love short rib, especially a braised short rib.

OK. Pot-stickers, check. Short ribs, check. My bag is going to weigh a ton when I finally reach Padma.

The butterscotch scallops get a less enthusiastic response from the other judges.

Bourdain: It’s like Willy Wonka scallops.

The other diners are equally perplexed. Says one woman, “I don’t know what exactly we’re eating.”

So much for the sweet stuff – As their final course goes out, Lisa and Dale snap at each other one last time. Dale also snaps at the waitstaff. I sure hope they’re being tipped well.

Dale: Lisa can’t handle the fact that I’m executive chef. Lisa is always negative and she always is argumentative. She doesn’t take criticism very well. I don’t take criticism very well, but she takes it even worse than I do.

Lisa: Dale is unhappy with his choices, he’s unhappy with my mistakes. But at the same time ultimately it’s the chef’s responsibility to make sure the food is perfect, and Dale has not fulfilled his role as an executive chef.

If Team ARS was a love train, Team LSD is a train wreck.

The dessert comes out, and the judges go from underwhelmed to overly grossed out. The halo-halo is called “familiar,” but the sticky rice is called an “atrocity.” Bourdain minces no words.

Bourdain: It’s baby vomit with wood chips.

Oh, snap squared.

The diners also get to fill out comment cards for the teams’ food. Team LSD better hope they’re not as colorfully critical as Bourdain.

Least. Suspenseful. Winners. Ever. – As the teams clean up, Dale gives Jennifer a hug and she tells him she hopes she was helpful. Poor dear, she probably would have been more helpful is she took a taser gun to her three teammates and just made the food herself. From the look on her face, she knows it.

Spike says he is confident the diners loved the food. He also judges both Dale and Lisa’s performances as poor. Funny how he’s always able to shirk just enough responsibility to stay safe. Let’s see how long that lasts, eh?

In the Stew Room, the chefs all toast each other on their feat of opening a restaurant in five hours. Padma breaks up their congratulations by calling in Antonia, Stephanie and Richard. And to no one’s surprise, Team ARS is the judges’ favorite. That, my friends, is how you kick some ARS.

The judges continue to slop sugar all over their teamwork, composure and food. “Smart.” “Perfectly cooked.” “Successful.” “Very nice.”

Guest judge Andrés gets to pick the winner. He picks Stephanie for her teamwork and conceptualizing the linguine dish and cheesecake dessert. And what has Stephanie won? A trip for two to Barcelona on a four-star culinary vacation. Damn, if I won that I’d be smiling that big, too.

A long, strange trip – Team LSD knows their fate as they wait in the Stew Room. Once in front of the judges, Bourdain cuts to the quick.

Bourdain: All of us were unanimous in finding some very unpleasant aspects to this meal.

The judges then tear through that unpleasantness one by one. Bourdain asks Spike who was responsible for picking the tablecloths and napkins. He says all three were. And then he says they didn’t get their first choice. Shirking responsibility isn’t just a hobby for him, it’s a full-time job.

The judges say the front of the house’s design increased expectations for the food – expectations that were not met.

Next up are Dale’s butterscotch scallops. Guest judge Andrés says “nothing seemed to work” about that dish, while Bourdain says it “looked like a melted candy bar.”

Then comes Lisa’s laksa. Bourdain says the bowl was like sticking his nose into a campfire.

Lisa: I take full responsibility for that dish … The way that I was taught to do laksa was smoked, but clearly I just took the smoking too far.

Well it’s nice to see someone take responsibility for something.

Assume the position – When the judges ask whose idea the laksa was in the first place, Spike says it was his, but that his idea of a laksa is “very different.” And then when Allen asks where Dale was in the decision-making, he says he doesn’t know laksa and trusted them to make it. Well, seems that whole concept of responsibility was short-lived.

Bourdain: You’re the executive chef and you don’t even know what a laksa should taste like.

Man, too bad I’m not into S/M, because this is an old-fashioned spanking.

The short ribs get called the only highlight of the meal. When asked who made them, Spike suddenly remembers how to take responsibility again. But Dale and Lisa have a little problem with his glory hogging. Dale braised them, and Lisa helped as well.

Spike: My recipe. Dale and Lisa both took part in executing them.

You can tell it hurts Spike to have to deviate from his strategy of taking credit when it’s good, dispersing blame when it’s bad.

But the spanking isn’t over. Lisa’s sticky rice is called “appalling.” Lisa says it’s not how she normally makes it, but the regular rice wasn’t available. She says Dale found this rice, and then the fireworks begin.

Dale: I did not find that rice, let’s get this correct. You found the rice.

Lisa: I did not grab that rice off the top shelf. [turns to Spike] Who grabbed that rice off the top shelf?

Spike: I don’t know.

The thing is, I have this wonderful invention called the rewind button. Shall we? Here’s what happened at the Whole Foods:

Dale: We didn’t find sticky rice, did we?

Spike: How about this?

Dale: That’s a thing for rice puddings.

Spike: Well, there you go.

No further arguments, your honor. Of course, at Judges’ Table there is no instant replay, only two asshats who don’t want to take responsibility for anything.

Just another he said, she said thing – But the judges don’t want to hear the bickering or even care who grabbed the rice in the first place.

Andrés: What you two are showing [is] a lack of teamwork that to me is – wow, this is not what this business is all about.

The look on Spike’s face says he is loving every second of Lisa and Dale’s fighting and subsequent spanking by the judges. I see – he likes to watch. Hey, I judge no man’s fetishes.

But Andrés calls Spike on his not-me act.

Andrés: You’ve been working at the front of the house, and I have the sense that [you said] I am going to be out of the trouble of having to be in the middle of dealing with them two.

Spike’s face goes from ecstasy to agony. Apparently he likes to watch, but he doesn’t like to be on the business end of the paddling.

Blah, blah, blah, he goes on about how much work the decorating was, blah blah. When asked directly what went wrong, he says he assumed the communication broke down between Dale and Lisa. And then those two are kind enough to demonstrate that communication breakdown live and in person for the judges.

Dale: When you have five hours to set up a restaurant, you are only as good as your weakest link.

Lisa: Just as you’re only as strong as your weakest link, you are only as good as your leader.

Spike smiles one more quick, satisfied smile.

The greater of three evils – Padma sends them back to stew some more as the judges mull over their choices. They agree that there is plenty of blame to go around for everyone. Andrés says Spike was “smart” in playing the role of the neutral party and placing blame on the other two. The thought of Spike being smart elicits this reaction from Padma and Bourdain:

But the blame, indeed, falls squarely onto Dale and Lisa. Dale’s gloppy butterscotch mess and failure as a manager, conceptualizer and executer are reasons for him to pack his knives. Lisa’s bombed laksa and sticky rice and inability to take criticism are reasons for her to go home.

Back in the Stew Room, Lisa and Spike commiserate about Dale. He hears it, tells them to say it to his face. Spike calls him a bitch, again. Dale said he was trying not to be a “d—head” in the kitchen. You know, business as usual.

The judges call them back in and it’s time for one last spanking. But who has to pack his/her knives and go? Dale.

When the remaining chefs hear this, they are stunned. I’m a little stunned, too. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but I was sure Lisa would be sent packing for not producing one edible dish. He gets hugs from the other chefs, even Spike, on his way out. Lisa, however, remains in her chair.

Dale: You either love me or hate me. That’s my personality. I am happy with who I am.

No question which camp Lisa falls in.

Dale tears up in his exit interview, saying he is disappointed and feels he has let some people down. He’s probably also wallowing in the fact that either Lisa or Spike (or possibly both) will make it the final four and get that trip to Puerto Rico for the two-part season finale. Like I said, stunning.

Next week on Top Chef: The chefs are given something very precious. Oh no, not the One Ring to rule them all. And then comes the stress, competition and hand holding. No, seriously.

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