“Carmilla” recap (2.21 & 2.22): Hole in my heart

Mattie screams in agony, and one thing I’ve learned from watching a lot of vampire stories is you shouldn’t piss them off. Laura yells at Perry to stop but she haz had it! Mattie has too and she vamps out, grabbing Perry by the throat and dragging her away with superspeed. Laura goes after Mattie as LaF goes to check on Perry, and things get kind of messy. Carm stands by frozen as Mattie squeezes Laura’s throat and expresses her displeasure. Seeing the look in her sister’s eyes, Mattie lets Laura go. LaF comes in to report on Perry’s condition which is unconscious but alive. Carmilla is like, “See? No one is dead—it’s all good” but LaF is rightfully pissed that Perry has been attacked. 

Screen Shot 2015-08-14 at 10.06.17 AMThis one goes out to all the LaFerry shippers out there. LaFontaine SMASH! 

LaF gives Carmilla some hell about saying something so callus and for generally wreaking havoc wherever she goes, and finally Laura can’t take anymore—she loses her damn mind. Exhaustion, coupled with fear and a broken heart have caused her to crack and she tells everyone to shut up. Laura’s guilt is showing, and weighting pretty heavily on the her plucky petite shoulders. She needs sleep, she needs to fix things, she needs a break.

Later that night, Laura finds Carmilla sitting on the couch in the dark. For the first time in days, they speak tenderly to each other. Carmilla is just as broken about all of this as Laura is. Laura asks her the question that lesbians have been asking each other since the dawn of time. Why me? Laura needs to know what made her special. This is part frustration and let’s be honest, part ego. We need to hear certain things to seal up the cracks. Carmilla makes it quite simple. She doesn’t really care about anyone besides Laura because Laura is hers, no one else is. It’s a vampire thing, ok. Carm gets that Laura doesn’t like that part of it, the possessive, wanting thing. It’s primal and intense and scary, and Laura just wants a little normalcy, okay? The thing is, she wants that with a person who can’t give her normal.

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Sometimes it’s hard for me to step out of being someone who writes about stories, to being someone who just gets absorbed completely in them. I’m always thinking, making mental notes, imagining a quip to use at a later time. But this scene pulled me out of my head. It’s the finest work we’ve seen from Elise Bauman and Natasha Negovanlis, and some of the best writing we’ve heard from Jordan Hall. It’s achingly honest, and entirely too relatable. Here are two people, who accidentally fell in love. Accidentally falling in love can be glorious. It’s a slow climb of affection, and once you are there, you don’t know how you got there or how to get down. And you don’t want to get down, because the view is spectacular and also the way down looks kind of terrifying. Carmilla and Laura are tumbling down from this great height, and it hurts every inch of the way. They still love each other, but they are fundamentally different people. I’ve loved a woman or two like that in my life. The desperate need to connect the pieces that simply don’t fit, is beyond frustrating and painful. As Carmilla says, “You want the kind of love that clicks, like a key into a lock.” Oh man, it hurts.

Carmilla admits she can’t give Laura what she needs, but that she’s the only person she’s been willing to put her life on the line for in over a century. Words are important but they can’t always heal and Laura tells Carmilla that isn’t enough. The thing is, Laura did change Carmilla. She’s different now. She sees the bigger picture of Laura’s big heart and her need to save the people around her. It’s just a little too late, and they both know it.

Screen Shot 2015-08-14 at 10.31.34 AMTears, so many tears.

Carmilla asks Laura if she misses her, and the tidal wave of pain washes over everyone on Youtube. Yeah, Laura misses Carmilla, and there aren’t enough good deeds and chocolate chip cookies to fill the void of losing that love. Yet, here we are, still broken. They wish each other a tearful goodnight and I want to crawl under a rock and die a little. Anyone else? Before Laura walks away, Carmilla tells her about Mattie’s only weakness, a piece of heart jerky she keeps in a locket. Destroy that and Mattie is vulnerable. Love, and family, will have its sacrifices.