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“Carmilla” recap (2.23 & 2.24): How do you like them apples?

You guys, I’m having a lot of feelings. Joy, despair, hope-it’s just a typical day in the life of a pop culture junkie. Carmilla has me all over the board, and that’s exactly the way I like it.

At the apartment, things are stressing Laura out. She’s living with her ex, and two other vampires who go through blood sacks like they’re Capri Suns. It gets downright dangerous sometimes. At least vampires binge watch Netflix, too. The undead! They’re just like the rest of us!

Laura per usual, tries to be cheery about it. Sure, her Intro to European History class is now Advanced Staking, but with every new president comes a change in curriculum. Right? What this didn’t happen at your college? Well, I guess not all of us went to Sunnydale University. Moving on. Carmilla keeps on banging on the floor, which vexes Laura since she’s trying to keep her ex from becoming a leather clad pile of dust and manage to study for her intense new classes at the same time. She’s interrupted by Danny, still tall, still gay, still smitten. Oh, Danny, looking at you standing there all vulnerable and gingery-well, it plucks at my heart strings. She comes bearing green, shiny apples, which Laura devours. (You have no chill, Laura.)

Since all the “Chaos on Campus,” getting fresh produce was a rarity so Laura is in a special place enjoying her fruit, while Danny tries to not act like she wants to reach over and delicately wipe a bead of juice from Laura’s chin. DANNY! WHY MUST YOU BE SO RELATABLE?! Ugh. Anyway, Danny is kind of a lone wolf right now since the Summers kicked her out and she’s trying to avoid a messy situation with Kirsh. She’s also starting to think that Vordernberg may not be the solution that she originally thought. Also campus security is now a bunch of country bumpkins with torches and pitchforks, who are less that rational when it comes to doling out the terror.

I love how Sharon Belle manages to coat Danny’s pitter-pattering heart with sardonic charm. Yeah, we know that this show is about Carmilla and Laura, but damn it all if Belle doesn’t make you a double shipper. Love triangles are as old as time, and it feels natural the way that Danny’s feelings for Laura have rekindled now that she’s not with Carm. Come on, if you were Danny, wouldn’t you take that leap? For all the monsters and fish gods, Carmilla succeeds best when it deals with the way people feel about each other. Plus, Laura is a sucker for a hero, and Danny knows that.

Just when things get a little too real between Laura and Danny, Carmilla bangs on the floor. I mean who wants to witness the women you love be courted by someone else? I feel you, Carm. Carm gets a little help from LaFontaine who LaCrotchBlocks anything else from happening. LaF gives the scoop. The Zetas and the townspeople are forcibly removing the fish god worshippers and they know from experience that it is causing some major trauma. Perry points out that it is all kind of fish culty.

Those remaining fish worshippers started chanting crazy shit about gates and crows. Laura is confused because she thought all this crow nonsense would stop once Mattie and Corvae were pushed out. The gang needs more intel so Danny volunteers to talk to Kirsch and see if his mega-crush can lead to some answers. Kirsch unfortunately doesn’t know much, and Theo bursts in to break it up.

Theo really hates Danny, mostly because she’s a women and in charge, but he feigns sympathy for his Zeta brother being played. Kirsch, for his part, is kind of ok with it. Kirsch may not be the sharpest stake in the box, but his heart is as pure as a mountain stream. Theo forcibly removes Kirsch from the apartment and Danny and Laura sit down to have an awkward conversation about using people when they have feeling for you.

With no info from Kirsch or the Zetas, Laura and Danny have no choice but to ask the vamps to spill it. Unfortunately, they are dealing with some very hungry vampires, including J.P. who is still new to the whole vamp thing. Everyone is on edge, and Carmilla, probably going mad from imagining Danny and Laura together, looks like she wants rip out Danny’s jugular more than usual.

Before the pissing contest can start, J.P. loses his ever loving shit and attacks LaFontaine who is holding the blood reward. Well, I did not see that coming. Perry is going to kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill him.

Okay, spill your thoughts in the comments.

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