RachelWatch: She Thinks She Can! She Thinks She Can!

Today: Rachel plots to interview Cheney. She also gets a little trainy.

Darth Protest Too Much?

Dick Cheney is continuing his 2009 I Have Always Loved the Press and Anyone Who Doesn’t Believe That is Making Us Vulnerable To Terrorists tour.

He has moved on to radio, presumably because that way he doesn’t need to have travel with his squadron of aides who, with the help of an intricate network of hooks, wires, and levers, pull back his mouth and eyebrows when he gives the hand signal for “friendly.”

Ron Suskind, author of The Way of the World, joined Rachel to try to make sense of why Cheney continues to speak in public when it drive his fellow Republicans crazy and causes crops to wither.

But the rest of us can rejoice, because Dick Cheney plus Friday high spirits equals fun with movie clips.

I have concerns about Rachel’s plans to lurk in the green room.

Ms. Maddow, please be careful. You have strength and moxie, but you will be playing Dick Cheney’s game. Nobody outlurks Dick Cheney. He has been lurking since he was first summoned centuries ago. You might as well try to outdo him in malevolent crouching or baleful staring.

Meet him if you must, but meet him head-on. And bring a backup light source.

Scrub. Rinse. Repeat.

Rachel reported that President Obama has decided to spend Federal dollars on sex education programs that actually educate people about sex rather than Bush’s Saddlebacking 101 programs.

Speaking of educational programs that actually educate people, could someone talk to the Texas Board of Education next?

Ms. Information

Wall Street perked up based on the news that last month’s massive job losses weren’t quite so massive as those in the previous several months. So the economy is still going down the drain, but at least we can take comfort in the hair clog.

Speaking of things only needing to suck marginally less, you may recall that the Department of the Interior essentially used to be ancient Rome.

When Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar took over the job, the bar was so low that it would technically have been an improvement if staffers only took drugs while having sex with lobbyists during their off-hours.

Salazar has announced that the Statue of Liberty’s crown is re-opening. And has somewhat more quietly made it clear that if polar bears really wanted to stop drowning, they should have sexed up the Department of the Interior while they had the chance.

And I’m sure you’re all still recovering from all the excitement of National Train Day on the 9th. Rachel, a self-confessed train dork, was quivering like a tuning fork with anticipation.

Train Day is the anniversary of the joining of the Transcontinental Railway lines, and should under no circumstances be confused with Moon Amtrak Day.

For Vitter or Worse

Senator David Vitter (R – Louisiana) would like to be on the news for something other than a more-embarrassing-than-usual hooker scandal – it’s worth the Google – and so instead of, oh, I don’t know, introducing worthwhile legislation, has decided to do a little grandstanding.

He chose putting a hold on Craig Fugate, Obama’s nominee for the Director of FEMA, apparently because he only has 28 years of relevant experience.

Rachel welcomed Christopher Tidmore of the Louisiana Weekly so he could register his massive annoyance.

Right Turn Only

You know that weird moment when you’re at a party and you realize that the person who seemed hilariously drunk and out of control is in fact way more drunk than you thought and is out of control in a way that makes you uncomfortable?

I think that just happened to me with several members of the Republican Party. It was funny for the first few months, but now I just want to give them a tumbler of water and make sure they’re OK.

Howard Dean, former chairman of the DNC, dropped in to try to help Rachel figure out what the hell is going on and if we can get them to just lie down for a few minutes.

Wings Clipped

After Louis Caldera decided that the perfect photo op for Air Force One would be to reproduce a Far Side cartoon, Obama got mad, asked for an investigation, and then accepted Caldera’s resignation.

It is a telling side effect of the last eight years in Bizarro America that Rachel and Salon.com’s Joan Walsh needed to talk on the news about how this scrupulously correct disciplinary response was in fact a correct response.

Until next time, be well and do not moon Amtrak. Well, not until July, anyway.