Harry Potter Fan Changes All Bathroom Signs From “Witches” and “Wizards” To “Chamber Of Secret Pee Pees”

 

Across the globe, many brokenhearted fans are watching in horror as JK Rowling literally murders their primary personality traits as Harry Potter fans. 

AE got the scoop from three Harry Potter fanfiction writers, Heloise Bambii-Rose, Aedyn Austin, and Annabelle Marie Pipi Junebug, lifelong fans who don’t want their beloved childhood tales to be completely canceled. Bambii-Rose said “I won’t give up on my childhood icon (Harry Potter) even if JK is a monster who is literally erasing our existence.” After consciousness raising on Twitter and having lengthy discussions on their Discord server, they have taken it upon themselves to write a more queer-friendly adaptation. And now these folx have #blessed us with an insider sneak peak. 

In this new fanfiction series, the Sorting Hat will now tell all First Years both their House and their gender. But the four Houses are now a spectrum, since belonging to just one is exclusionary. Cedric is a Demi-Puff, Luna a Questioning-Raven, and Neville falls under Pan-house, which means he can belong to all of them. Or none of them.

Thanks to the newly educated Sorting Hat, readers will finally get an explanation for why Hermione is so smart and capable, not to mention why all her friends are boys. She was Assigned Witch At Birth, but she has always shown signs of gender nonconformity. The Sorting Hat tells her she is gender fluid, which explains why she is both top of her class and so empathetic to elves. A few chapters later she will announce that she is actually a he, and goes by Hismione. He begins dumbing down his work in order to combat his male privilege. He keeps his responses to himself so as to not speak over femme-identified wxtches. Wow! Such an ally! By book seven, Hismione becomes woke enough to know that gender is a spectrum, and goes by Theymione, depending on their mood. 

Malfoy, an obvious TERF, will be dispatched by a powerful, international lesbian conspiracy to misgender Theymione at every turn, rendering them magicless through invalidation.

A forefront chapter will be added to Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone where Professor Snape asks all students to say their preferred pronouns on the first day of class. Which he goes out of his way not to use. “Miss Longbottom, I think not!” Villain! 

Several new spells will be added to the spell book including an easy way to help with transition – “metamorpho phallus invertus” or for the women who’d like to keep their penis, a legal name change can happen quickly by a simple meeting with the Headmaster, no questions asked. 

This more genderless and inclusive adaptation is sure to heal the millions of devastated fans the world over.