FakeGayNews Round-up: Dec. 14-18

Kinsey Scale to Be Replaced by a Bottle of Tequila

BLOOMINGTON, IN- To update the gradations of female sexuality, the Kinsey Institute announced they are replacing their eponymous scale with a 1.75 liter bottle of tequila. “Nothing more accurately measures post-millennial sexual fluidity in female subjects than shot after shot of Cuervo,” said Director of Research, Dr. Phyllis Wetmore.

The Kinsey Scale, which ranks sexuality on a continuum of 0 (exclusively heterosexual) to 6 (exclusively homosexual), was originally depicted as a boring two axis chart. The new scale will feature hash marks as shown.

When asked why the scale would not be changing for studies on male subjects, Wetmore explained, “It only seems to make them louder and douchier.”

Area Woman Still a Lesbian After Meeting the Right Guy

NEWARK, DE- To the confusion of several friends from work, Maggie Rasmussen, 33, confirmed that she is still a lesbian, despite really hitting it off with “the right guy,” Rich Mayfield, 34, a good-looking, educated, successful, newly single heterosexual man who loves to cook. “If I were straight, I would very interested,” Rasmussen assured her baffled co-workers during Happy Hour at Charlie’s Towne Tavern, “But for the last time, I don’t date men.”

After observing Rasmussen and Mayfield discover their mutual appreciation of Death Cab for Cutie over by the juke box, straight friend, Karen Lewis, whispered, “Maggie just hasn’t met the right guy. I know she says she’s a lesbian or whatever, but he’s a catch!” Shipping Manager Amy Meade disagreed, saying, “He’s not all that,” and bought Rasmussen another drink.

Search for Women Who Would Not Go Gay for Angelina Jolie Called Off

ELEPHANT ISLAND, ANTARCTICA- After a decades’ long search for women who have no interest in going gay for actress Angelina Jolie, organizers finally admitted defeat and called their teams home. “It’s astounding, frankly,” said search team leader Owen Grady. “Albany to the Amazon basin — one publicity still from Mr. & Mrs. Smith or Beowulf was enough to send women of all ages into a trance.”

Data shows that in 1989, search teams came close to finding one woman immune to Jolie’s fantastic bone structure, pillow-y lips and hypnotic eyes when interviewing a 59-year-old Polish woman, who told searchers through a translator, “I wouldn’t necessarily turn gay, but I’d want to at least see what the fuss is all about.”

Leading Cause of Gay People Found to Be Straight People

CHAPEL HILL, NC- Shocking results of a recent study show the leading cause of gay people is the straight people who give birth to them, and not gay converters, Democrats or Satan, as originally believed. Upon hearing the news, conservative Christians called an emergency meeting to determine whom exactly to blame for soiling God’s good earth with homosexuality. “We’re ready to mobilize and boycott anything that promotes the gay lifestyle,” said spokesman Larry Scholl, “But firebombing our own doesn’t make sense — does it?”

Dr. Toby Evans, a senior clinical psychologist at the University of North Carolina said, “It’s conclusive that at least one in ten live births will result in a gay or lesbian baby.” An unidentified man wearing a “Life Begins at Conception” T-shirt muttered, “I don’t — it’s very confusing.”

All of this news is completely and totally made up, but perhaps based on real life situations.