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Fake Gay News Round-Up: Feb. 22 – 26

Local Girl Learns She Doesn’t Actually Have Two Mommies

FALLS RIVER MA- Eye doctors at the local LensCrafters have found that a girl who goes by the name of Heather is cross-eyed and does not have two mommies, shattering a belief the girl (and general public) has held for most of her life. The tow-headed youngster appeared to take the news well, although there were a few tense moments when she was told she could not have a pair of frames like Rachel Maddow‘s.

Heather’s one and only mother recalled receiving “Hers and Hers” Mother’s Day gifts, teachers’ reports about Heather’s fascination with gay penguins, and being referred to as “Mama Jane” and “Mama Kate” on a rotating basis.

Expressing relief upon hearing the diagnosis, her mother said, “This also explains why she insisted she had a twin sister.”

Toyota Recall Extended to Lesbian Relationships at Risk for “Dangerous Acceleration”

TORRENCE CA- The recall of some Toyota cars and trucks has been widen to include lesbian relationships, also known to experience inexplicable and alarming accelerations. Though incidences of Toyota vehicles careening out of control at high speeds are rare, they appear to be frequent in the lesbian dating world.

“We are calling back any lesbians who began dating between model years 2007 to 2010,” said NHTSA spokesperson Mitch Henderson. He spoke in conjunction with sex advice columnist Fairy Butch as part of a joint statement.

Like the cars, lesbian couples are in danger of moving too fast and having ineffectual braking mechanisms, resulting in a crash or a looming feeling that a huge mistake has been made. “I’m going to comply before something goes wrong,” said Jenn Gantry of Bloomfield, NJ. “Besides, the model I have seems to be missing a filter. Someone needs to check that.”

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