Fake Gay News Round-Up: Feb. 22 – 26

Local Girl Learns She Doesn’t Actually Have Two Mommies

FALLS RIVER MA- Eye doctors at the local LensCrafters have found that a girl who goes by the name of Heather is cross-eyed and does not have two mommies, shattering a belief the girl (and general public) has held for most of her life. The tow-headed youngster appeared to take the news well, although there were a few tense moments when she was told she could not have a pair of frames like Rachel Maddow‘s.

Heather’s one and only mother recalled receiving “Hers and Hers” Mother’s Day gifts, teachers’ reports about Heather’s fascination with gay penguins, and being referred to as “Mama Jane” and “Mama Kate” on a rotating basis.

Expressing relief upon hearing the diagnosis, her mother said, “This also explains why she insisted she had a twin sister.”

Toyota Recall Extended to Lesbian Relationships at Risk for “Dangerous Acceleration”

TORRENCE CA- The recall of some Toyota cars and trucks has been widen to include lesbian relationships, also known to experience inexplicable and alarming accelerations. Though incidences of Toyota vehicles careening out of control at high speeds are rare, they appear to be frequent in the lesbian dating world.

“We are calling back any lesbians who began dating between model years 2007 to 2010,” said NHTSA spokesperson Mitch Henderson. He spoke in conjunction with sex advice columnist Fairy Butch as part of a joint statement.

Like the cars, lesbian couples are in danger of moving too fast and having ineffectual braking mechanisms, resulting in a crash or a looming feeling that a huge mistake has been made. “I’m going to comply before something goes wrong,” said Jenn Gantry of Bloomfield, NJ. “Besides, the model I have seems to be missing a filter. Someone needs to check that.”

Overwhelming Need to Process Preempted by Olympics Coverage

VANCOUVER, BC- Lesbians worldwide have temporarily suspended endless analysis of their relationships in favor of men’s figure skating, women’s hockey and anything involving Lindsey Vonn. Circular arguments about who loves whom more, whether a partner is flirting with that new friend, and how much togetherness is too much togetherness will resume on Sunday night, after the closing ceremonies.

“We usually get into it after dinner,” says Patty Clark of Youngstown, OH. “But that’s also when they air the half-pipe competition, and I love Shaun White.” Clark’s girlfriend Tammy, agreed “The Olympics only come around every four years,” she said, “so we want to give it our full attention.”

The couple agreed on continuing their ad nauseam relationship processing on Monday, when Clark plans to question Tammy about her real feelings towards Clark’s family. “She never wants to visit them with me,” said Clark, “I just want to know why.”

“Hoarders” to Feature Lesbian Who Is Still Friends with All Her Exes

Lexington KY- The popular TV show Hoarders will highlight the dangers of “people hoarding” in an upcoming episode featuring a woman who refuses to let go of any of her ex-girlfriends. The family of Lynda P contacted show producers after receiving a Christmas card from Becky, a woman Lynda dated for a month last year. “I have no idea who these people are, but clearly, there are too many of them,” said Jim, Lynda’s brother.

A camera crew visited Lynda’s home, which is cluttered with souvenirs, pictures and clothing, all from defunct relationships. They also documented Lynda as she emailed or called five exes, had lunch with a sixth ex to listen to her current relationship woes, and afterward, bought a baby shower gift for yet another ex. To end her day, Lynda hosted game night at her home with three more former girlfriends and loaned one of them 20 dollars.

In an on-camera interview, Lynda said, “I know it’s not normal to you, but it feels normal to me.” She also admitted she has nothing in common with most of her exes, finds some of them annoying and two of them cheated on her. “It doesn’t make sense,” Lynda said, “but I can’t seem to let go.”