“FlashForward” mini-cap (1.11 and 1.12): Zero Revelation

“On October 6, the planet blacked out for two minutes and seventeen seconds. The whole world saw the future.”

ABC’s sci-fi drama FlashForward returns with the requisite intro and we see more of the aftermath of the global blackout — death, destruction, and divine intervention.

If you’ve never watched FlashForward, don’t fret! Here’s a refresher:

That’s just about all you really need to know on this show thus far.

The double-episode premiere, “Revelation Zero,” starts out with images of the devastating effects of a two-minute blackout, ranging from car crashes to explosions to seeming miracles all over the world.

All I can really think about is Janis Hawk (Christine Woods), the out FBI agent. She’s obviously the whole reason why I’m watching this show.

We finally get to a boardroom where none other than Agent Hawk and some other hard-ass women in pin-striped suits discuss the kidnapping of Lloyd Simcoe and what to do next. Janis is asked to take Simon to Lloyd’s house to break the code on his computer for more info, but Simon proves to be a royal pain in the rear and demands that Janis get him a beer, while he patronizes and derides her intelligence. What a jerk.

Janis relents and goes into the kitchen to fetch a beer for the little man, who, by the way, is Charlie from Lost, but is knocked unconscious by two men in masks that resemble those from Mark’s board.

There is a lot more kidnapping, strangling, things blowing up, complicated scientific terms, and a lot of unnecessarily dramatic music. We also see more of Olivia (who played Penny on Lost), the trauma surgeon, who looks great in scrubs, I might add.

Mark rescues Lloyd and Simon from the restaurant basement where they’re being held, which brings more shooting, blood, and stylized violence.

Thank goodness for this vision of beauty in a turtleneck, or I might have changed the channel.

Turns out that Simon aka Charlie from Lost is in on the blackout and was the mysterious guy in the Oxide Stadium who was conscious while the rest of the world blacked out or blew up or both.

In present day again, Simon keeps trying to escape Janis’s surveillance but to no avail, because Agent Hawk is a baller and her FBI powers render Simon helpless under her control.

Janis eats dinner at Simon’s mom’s house, which is much different from the ambiance of take-out alone at her desk. Simon’s mom comments that it’s sad for such a pretty girl — no boyfriends? No kids? Janis smirks, and can only hope she’s thinking about Maya (Navi Rawat). Lord knows I am.

A butt-kicking agent that has to deal with arrogant men all day long needs a beautiful woman to make things better. Sigh. There’s always next episode.

Back to the plot, Simon’s “Uncle Teddy,” aka part of the masterminds behind the blackout, has now killed Simon’s father, has Simon’s sister Annabelle as “insurance” for Simon’s compliance, and killed Simon’s favorite professor/mentor. Simon calls his bluff, strangles Uncle Teddy (ughh, more strangling?), and declares, “I never get pushed around. And I always get even.”

This show is madness and not that interesting: too much violence for primetime TV, and not enough cute lesbian scenes. I’ll keep watching so you don’t have to, and will be sure to alert you on all lesbionic happenings on this show.

NEXT WEEK: Gabrielle Union enters as Zoey, Janis Hawk is kicking ass and taking names amidst an image of her getting an ultrasound, there’s going to be another blackout, and someone from the bureau has been leaking information. Dun dun dun.

Will you keep tuning in and showing your support for FlashForward in the face of possible cancellation?