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How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson One

Lesson One: Why is everyone scowling at me? How to conduct oneself in a lesbian bar.

On entering into the lesbian social scene, a gay lady may at times find herself flummoxed by the many rules and social regulations to which one is expected to adhere. But by following these simple rules of etiquette, the modern gay lady can ensure that her dance card will never be empty and a myriad of marriage proposals will ensue. Practice makes a perfect pout When arriving at a lesbian nightclub, a gay lady must always be aware of her facial expression. Ahead of any consideration as to the attractiveness of one’s current attire (although all consideration must be given to choosing the correct jeans/belt/T-shirt combination prior to the evening’s entertainment) it is the proper arrangement of one’s facial features that will guarantee success during any upcoming social forays. The correct procedure is as follows: Lips may be fetchingly pouted or posed into a carefully arranged scowl. Eyes may be occasionally seductive, but it is considered best practice to cover any unsightly appearance of genuine interest or potential points of vulnerability. Foreheads are generally slightly furrowed, in order to provide the impression that one is beguilingly angst ridden. Chins are currently worn high, because a gay lady always knows the importance of ensuring that no one gets the idea you’re appearing in public because you remotely want to speak to anyone.

Lead with the hips Adopting the correct posture and walking style is a skill that should be taken seriously and as such may require hours of practice on behalf of any gay lady coming out this season. In preparation for this procedure, do not waste time in walking around your bedroom balancing books on your head. Instead, train yourself to balance five pint glasses of beer against your breasts whilst still appearing adequately nonchalant and making disinterested eye contact with anyone whom you may find attractive. Now you’re ready to make your way across the room. Let your hips do the walking and the rest of you should now follow behind. Strike a pose Holding the correct bodily position at all times is crucial for the modern gay lady. First, find yourself a surface of adequate height upon which to lean. This may include the bar itself, any table – occupied or otherwise – or a small slither of wall if one is available to you. If all prime positions have already been claimed, head immediately to the bathrooms and drape yourself attractively over the sinks. Once you’re in position, you may now commence your pose. There is a complex art to this, ladies, but you will find that by imitating those around you (slouched, hips to the forefront, patented lesbian thumb tuck into your jeans front pocket or waistband) you will not go wrong. It is most important that you now return to step one and remember to glare menacingly yet hopefully at anyone who walks by.

Interacting with other gay ladies As a gay lady, it is considered most improper to ever make the first move. While it must be admitted that in a bar filled with gay ladies this does generally slow down the process somewhat, it is still important never to let your weakness show by allowing anyone to think that you might actually like them. However once this hurdle has been broken down by the means of a judicious showering of alcoholic beverages then it is time to move onto the dance floor.

How to ask a lady to dance It is at this point that it becomes time to put all of your lessons into practice at once. It is generally considered acceptable to smile once in a while, unless your dance floor display is in fact noticed by anyone you think you might like to get to know, in which case revert to frowning or pouting immediately. It is considered unnecessary, or indeed glaringly vulgar to enjoy oneself too obviously whilst dancing; all measures must be taken in order to ensure one does not look silly – ever. Once your display of gay lady dancing prowess has been proven, you may find yourself attracting the desired attention, or simply too drunk to care anymore. When conversation with another gay lady has been initiated, it is prudent to be aware of some of the minor basics to ascertain during this initial meeting, for example any unresolved issues from her childhood, feelings about Tegan and/or Sara, number of pets and so on, as you must keep in mind that the two of you will be discussing sperm donors come morning.

A word of caution One must be on her guard at all times when speaking to another gay lady, just in case you’re barking up the wrong tree. You will quickly become aware of this when a gay lady far scarier than yourself appears, grips tightly to her woman and glares your previously impressive scowl into a small, frightened smile. In this situation it would be considered impolite and potentially dangerous to respond with “Sorry, please piss on her leg next time so I’m aware of your marked territory.” Instead I would advise the making of a careful retreat, followed by heading home to cry into your pillow until the next time.

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