How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson One

Lesson One: Why is everyone scowling at me? How to conduct oneself in a lesbian bar.

  On entering into the lesbian social scene, a gay lady may at times find herself flummoxed by the many rules and social regulations to which one is expected to adhere. But by following these simple rules of etiquette, the modern gay lady can ensure that her dance card will never be empty and a myriad of marriage proposals will ensue. Practice makes a perfect pout When arriving at a lesbian nightclub, a gay lady must always be aware of her facial expression. Ahead of any consideration as to the attractiveness of one’s current attire (although all consideration must be given to choosing the correct jeans/belt/T-shirt combination prior to the evening’s entertainment) it is the proper arrangement of one’s facial features that will guarantee success during any upcoming social forays. The correct procedure is as follows: Lips may be fetchingly pouted or posed into a carefully arranged scowl. Eyes may be occasionally seductive, but it is considered best practice to cover any unsightly appearance of genuine interest or potential points of vulnerability. Foreheads are generally slightly furrowed, in order to provide the impression that one is beguilingly angst ridden. Chins are currently worn high, because a gay lady always knows the importance of ensuring that no one gets the idea you’re appearing in public because you remotely want to speak to anyone.

Lead with the hips Adopting the correct posture and walking style is a skill that should be taken seriously and as such may require hours of practice on behalf of any gay lady coming out this season. In preparation for this procedure, do not waste time in walking around your bedroom balancing books on your head. Instead, train yourself to balance five pint glasses of beer against your breasts whilst still appearing adequately nonchalant and making disinterested eye contact with anyone whom you may find attractive. Now you’re ready to make your way across the room. Let your hips do the walking and the rest of you should now follow behind. Strike a pose Holding the correct bodily position at all times is crucial for the modern gay lady. First, find yourself a surface of adequate height upon which to lean. This may include the bar itself, any table — occupied or otherwise — or a small slither of wall if one is available to you. If all prime positions have already been claimed, head immediately to the bathrooms and drape yourself attractively over the sinks. Once you’re in position, you may now commence your pose. There is a complex art to this, ladies, but you will find that by imitating those around you (slouched, hips to the forefront, patented lesbian thumb tuck into your jeans front pocket or waistband) you will not go wrong. It is most important that you now return to step one and remember to glare menacingly yet hopefully at anyone who walks by.