How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson One

Interacting with other gay ladies As a gay lady, it is considered most improper to ever make the first move. While it must be admitted that in a bar filled with gay ladies this does generally slow down the process somewhat, it is still important never to let your weakness show by allowing anyone to think that you might actually like them. However once this hurdle has been broken down by the means of a judicious showering of alcoholic beverages then it is time to move onto the dance floor.

How to ask a lady to dance It is at this point that it becomes time to put all of your lessons into practice at once. It is generally considered acceptable to smile once in a while, unless your dance floor display is in fact noticed by anyone you think you might like to get to know, in which case revert to frowning or pouting immediately. It is considered unnecessary, or indeed glaringly vulgar to enjoy oneself too obviously whilst dancing; all measures must be taken in order to ensure one does not look silly — ever. Once your display of gay lady dancing prowess has been proven, you may find yourself attracting the desired attention, or simply too drunk to care anymore. When conversation with another gay lady has been initiated, it is prudent to be aware of some of the minor basics to ascertain during this initial meeting, for example any unresolved issues from her childhood, feelings about Tegan and/or Sara, number of pets and so on, as you must keep in mind that the two of you will be discussing sperm donors come morning.

A word of caution One must be on her guard at all times when speaking to another gay lady, just in case you’re barking up the wrong tree. You will quickly become aware of this when a gay lady far scarier than yourself appears, grips tightly to her woman and glares your previously impressive scowl into a small, frightened smile. In this situation it would be considered impolite and potentially dangerous to respond with “Sorry, please piss on her leg next time so I’m aware of your marked territory.” Instead I would advise the making of a careful retreat, followed by heading home to cry into your pillow until the next time.

Burning etiquette questions? Tweet Ruth! @RuthCallander