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The AfterEllen.com Huddle: You know how I know I’m gay?

This week, SpiceZee gave some suggestions on how to “discover your true sexual tendencies.” Among them: “Watch a gay porn movie,” “Sunbathe on a nudist beach” and have sex with a guy and see if you’re dreaming about another girl.

Seeing as how these ideas are completely ridiculous, I knew it was time to ask the bloggers for some better ideas.

Lesley Goldberg: I think half the free world knew that I was gay before I did: I played baseball (and later softball) since I was 11. All my friends growing up were boys because they had better toys: action figures, baseball cards and all played sports. I embraced skateboard culture and dressed like a boy. I rejected things most teen girls my age were excited for: makeup, school dances and generally everything to do with fashion or New Kids on the Block (I’m totally dating myself here).

But the biggest indicator that I was a gay lady was that I was painfully shy around girls. Once I figured out I was gay, the shyness around girls made sense – it wasn’t so much that I was completely inept at speaking to girls, it’s that I had crushes on them. So really, the writing was on the wall for me long before I came out at age 20.

Bridget McManus: You know you’re gay when you pretend to like boys just to get closer to girls. In elementary school, all my female friends loved New Kids on the Block. I didn’t like them – couldn’t tell you who was in the band – yet I pretended I did. I even volunteered to be the choreographer when my friends practiced recreating the NKOTB dance routines. I just sat and watched them dance for hours.

Yep, I was one gay kid.

Grace Chu: You know you’re gay when you’re in a subway station with a straight male co-worker, a poster of sunshine crotch catches his eye, and the following conversation unfolds:

Him: Whoa – who are they?

Me: Oh, it’s a reality show. Sort of like, Real Housewives of Orange County, except –

Him: Wait, what does the “L” stand for?

Me: You’re kidding, right?

He had never heard of The L Word either. Ladies, we live in a bubble.

Meg Streit: If you had more “best friends” than boyfriends in high school, chances are high that you are gay. (Girls, you know what I’m talking about — the sleepovers, the countless hours on the phone, dreading going to homecoming with a boy). If this rings a bell, and you haven’t come out yet, below is an easy quiz to help you discover whether or not you are gay. Simply tally the points for each of the items below that apply to you.

– You have an unusually high tolerance for emotional “processing.” — 3 points

– You are over the age of 30 and you have a female “roommate.” — 1 point (Typically, this would be 3 points, but it’s a recession and the cost of living is high).

– Your nagging mother/aunt/grandmother has stopped asking when you’re going to find a nice boyfriend or husband. They all know you’re gay by now, so take the hint! — 4 points

– You played softball or soccer in high school. — 1 point (add an additional 2 points if you still play softball or soccer with women).

– You have rented more than one U-Haul in the last five years. — 3 points

– You own more than two cats (yes, even if some of them are outdoor cats that you feed on a daily basis). — 2 points

– You own a copy of Ani DiFranco’s Dilate album. — 1 point (add another point for each additional DiFranco album in your collection).

If your scored 5 or more points, congratulations! You are probably gay!

Drummerdeeds: Wanna know how I know you’re gay? You think all women are sleeping with each other (because we are); as a lesbian nationalist, you think lesbians are better human beings (because we are); and you habitually use the term “breeders,” often inappropriately referring to parents, professors, and inanimate objects. Furthermore, you constantly fantasize about a lesbian nation in which only queer women grow organic GMO-free foods, play softball, listen to ’90s female rock, and hit on each other. Dead giveaway.

Dorothy Snarker: You own more novelty T-shirts than regular T-shirts. Your shoes are all sensible, or at the very least bi-curious. You own more vests than Mr. Shue and the cast of Blossom combined. Your watch can be described as big, chunky and/or a wrist cuff. You think the straight female characters on every TV show are secretly dating (same goes for the actresses). You can name the portmanteaus for every fictional lesbian couple/ship faster than you can the names of your actual cousins (for more on this see Heather Hogan). You think “You’re a wanker, No. 9” is the most romantic pick-up line ever.

Thelinster: Androgynous women make eye contact and give you a slight smile and nod when you pass them in a crowd. Your shoes and your underwear are all about comfort. You remember exactly where you were when Ellen came out. You hate loving – and love hating – The L Word. On any given flight originating in your hometown, you know at least one of the flight attendants. And you have no doubt that the person who wrote that article about how to discover your “true sexual tendencies” is straight.

Heather Hogan: You know you’re gay when you see a lesbian couple on TV for the first time and suddenly the MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD is that they get together/get back together/stay together FOREVER. Ross and Rachel, Pam and Jim, Buffy and Angel, Joey and Pacey, Chuck and Sarah, Chuck and Blair, Juliet and Sawyer, Booth and Brennan: those couples are fictional. But Bette and Tina, Naomi and Emily, Callie and Arizona, Ashley and Spencer, Sophie and Sian, Olivia and Natalia: those are real people, with real needs, and real feelings, and real love.

And yeah, there’s an unprecedented worldwide economic crisis going on. And yeah, nuclear proliferation is an actual possibility. And yeah, schools are deteriorating and energy policy is shite and climate change is destroying the planet and political belligerence is threatening the stability of the the industrial world – but what are any of those “problems” compared to the emotional turmoil of Bette cheating on Tina, or Naomi cheating on Emily, or Callie wanting to have a baby? If your feelings about lesbian couples on TV are stronger than your feelings about the Apocalypse, congratulations: you’re a raging homosexual.

Trish Bendix: No matter what age you are, you know you have some lesbianish/bisexual feelings when there is a girl you just can’t stop thinking about. If you find another girl attractive but it doesn’t move past admiration, it’s not a tell-tale sign. But if you meet someone or see someone of the same sex and it’s making your heart skip a beat or your head swirl, it’s more than just a “girl crush,” baby.

Help some confused girls out – how do you know you’re gay?

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