How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Fourteen

2. Keep the lines of communication open. Let me remind you ladies that good communication is the key to a blissfully happy relationship. In fact, it is my belief that gay ladies just do not talk to each other enough. It is therefore of the utmost importance that you keep communicating, at all times. Yes: at all times. Maintain constant telephone contact, call, text, Skype, Facebook, telegram, tweet her — all of the above — every hour on the hour, no matter the time zone difference. Demand an immediate response, or go into meltdown as to what could have happened to her/your relationship. Distance makes the heart grow fonder — and crazier — so be sure to demonstrate this on a non-stop basis. Whatever you do gay ladies, do not give her a chance to miss you, not for a single minute.

3. Keep her reminded of home. The bills are mounting up! Her mother called! The local economy looks terrible! The toilet keeps backing up! There’s a problem with the TV reception! It’s possible you have an ingrown toenail! You’re wondering what she really meant when she said that thing, three months ago! She needs to know all of this stuff and more while she’s away — be it business or leisure – because it is crucial that your lives remain constantly intertwined even when she’s not around. That, my friends, is the essence of what being a gay lady is all about.