How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Fourteen

4. Play a few fun games, just to keep her on her toes. A gay lady always knows the elegant power of a sweetly subtle mind game. One clever idea is to simply forget to answer her messages for 48 hours or so. Once your ladyfriend becomes suitably frantic, you may then feel validated (she like totally loves you!). Another delightful strategy is to drop in studiously casual mentions of various other women in your life with just a tiny hint of mystique. This will ensure that your far-away-lady frets constantly about maintaining your love, which is of course, exactly what you want. While we’re on games, never ever forget the power of the (internationally accessible) facebook. Here are some currently hip styles you could try: A constant stream of (totally secret message just for her) status updates:

A gentle sprinkling of passive aggressive status updates:

The occasional ‘oh, I didn’t realise you’d happen to read it’ actively aggressive status update:

5. Keep yourself busy while you’re apart. Option A) Don’t do anything. Stay home and mope the entire time. Lie on your bed and gaze moonily at pictures of her and reread her texts over and over until she gets home. Soon enough you’ll be hallucinating her voice and the whole thing will be just like Wuthering Heights! Oh, imagine all the exciting tales you’ll have to share with her when she returns! Option B) Call your friends. Yes gay ladies, your friends, remember them? Your f-r-i-e-n-d-s who you haven’t seen since oh, approximately the commencement of your relationship? I suggest this surefire conversation format: “Why hello old friend I haven’t seen in six months! I know I haven’t called you back in forever and I forgot your birthday and missed your wedding and stuff but now that my girlfriend is away and I can’t spend all my time with her, d’you want to hang out with me? Y’know, just until she gets back? OK, bye!”