How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Fourteen

6. Make sure she feels guilty enough that she never ever ever leaves you again. How does she expect you to feed yourself adequately, wash regularly or remember to water the pot plants/children, when she’s not even there? Especially while you’re on the verge of a meltdown because she’s not around to hug you to sleep every night and no other human being in the history of the entire world has ever had to function under conditions like that. It’s like you’ve been split it two, as if someone has wrenched your right arm from its socket, as if your heart has been ripped, broken and bleeding from your body while you cry out in unspeakable agony.