100 Things Heterosexuals Can Be Proud Of for #HeterosexualPrideDay

If you’re on Twitter, you may have noticed #heterosexualprideday is trending, which is the type of boring thing a heterosexual would do. I can see the inception of Heterosexual Pride now: an aging ex-frat boy from Panama City Community College polishes off his nightly 12-pack, and, incensed by his infinite inadequacies, decides to do something.

Nothing that requires movement (there’s a Cheaters rerun on and he’s got the runs from all that Coors) but SOMETHING—something that will get attention. Something that will speak to people like him. STRAIGHT PEOPLE who resent all this equality nonsense stealing taking attention, praise, and profit that their overwhelming mediocrity entitles them to. Something for the C- students to glom onto instead of reading those infernal word pamphlets. White history month!  

Adam and Eve with apple tree in Garden of Eden
Photo by Getty
A quick google proves that, alas, another leader of men already came up with that. What else? He thinks back to this month, all the events have taken place. What happened that he can make about him? ORLANDO. That was close by. But not about him at all. But wait—why were all those homos so happy and gathered before the shots rang out? Why were they celebrating? GAY PRIDE. It’s gay pride month! Who thought of that? FAGS.

What’s the opposite of celebrating gayness? CELEBRATING STRAIGHT PEOPLE. Granted, he hasn’t had a girlfriend since college, but still, he’s straight. He watches A LOT of porn. That’s the manliest thing in the world. A lone, flickering light illuminates the squishy recesses of his weak mind. HETEROSEXUAL PRIDE DAY!

Fortunately, it took about two minutes for gay people and straight allies to realize this is an amazingggggg opportunity to mock straight people. Seriously, if you haven’t checked out #heterosexualprideday on twitter, you need to read. It’s hilarious. I’ve never seen a scathing bandwagon I didn’t immediately want to jump upon, so here is my painstakingly compiled list of 100 THINGS HETEROSEXUALS CAN TAKE PRIDE IN.

  1. Teen pregnancy
  2. Khakis
  3. Rims
  4. Wife beaters
  5. Wife beating
  6. Missionary position
  7. Missionaries
  8. Vera Bradley
  9. Ed Hardy
  10. Date rape
  11. Rape rape
  12. The Spanish Inquisition
  13. John Mayer
  14. Nicholas Sparks
  15. Capris
  16. Justin Bieber
  17. Polo shirts
  18. Popped collars
  19. Obesity
  20. George W. Bush
  21. The War on Terror
  22. The War on Drugs
  23. Mass incarceration
  24. Slavery
  25. Female Genital Mutilation
  26. Honor Killings
  27. Jersey Shore
  28. Steroids
  29. Donald Trump
  30. Golden Corral
  31. Frisbee golf
  32. Crossfit
  33. Bucket hats
  34. Bucket bags
  35. Reappropriation
  36. Sandals with socks
  37. Flood pants
  38. Chris Brown
  39. Heart disease
  40. Country music
  41. Mom jeans
  42. Segways
  43. Power walking
  44. Paisley
  45. Gladiator sandals
  46. Hoverboards
  47. Vine stars
  48. Joint facebook accounts
  49. Ugly babies
  50. Sexism
  51. Homophobia
  52. Racism
  53. Twitter Trolls
  54. 4chan
  55. All trolls
  56. Hentai
  57. Men’s rights activists
  58. Neckbeards
  59. Butt chugging
  60. Nickelback
  61. Visors
  62. Tokenism
  63. The Feudal System
  64. All the wars (except the war of roses. That sounds pretty gay)
  65. Goop
  66. Colonialism
  67. Imperialism
  68. Lifted trucks
  69. Brexit
  70. Tories
  71. Ivan the Terrible
  72. Machine guns
  73. Iron Maiden the medieval torture device
  74. Iron Maiden the band
  75. Lobotomies
  76. Entitlement
  77. Engagement videos
  78. Sorority videos
  79. Hazing
  80. Coors
  81. Panama City
  82. Burning crosses
  83. Jim Crow
  84. Evangelical Christianity
  85. Terrorism
  86. Islamic Extremism
  87. Arizona
  88. The Glass Ceiling
  89. Cork shoes
  90. Juicy Campus
  91. White-washing
  92. Inbreeding
  93. Genocide
  94. Google Glass
  95. Bros
  96. Selfie sticks
  97. Truthers/Birthers/Anti-Vaxxers/Conspiracy theorists as a great unwashed whole
  98. Farmville
  99. Two and a Half Men
  100. Sending me idiotic messages about this list because they need to constantly confirm their undeserved sense of importance and reassert the imaginary superiority that comes with being entirely unremarkable.

Every day is Heterosexual Pride Day, you neckbearded, inbred, mouth-breathing, inadequate, oppressive, irrelevant fuckos. To all the lovely straight people who understand that gay pride is important because of the horrible, prolonged cruelty we’ve have to endure silently for thousands of years and recognize heterosexual pride day as a golden opportunity to mock stupid straight people: thank you. I like you. Ignore the fuckos bit. That wasn’t about you.

Now enough about you. You’re drunk on stuff being about you. We’re cutting you off now.

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*First featured on #heterosexualprideday of 2016.