15 Things I Would Like to Forget in Celebration of I Forgot Day

In the festive throes of Canada Day (today) and the Fourth of July (Monday), you may have overlooked the lesser-known I Forgot Day, which falls on tomorrow, July 2nd. 

Pop-art Confused african american woman face, OOPS bubble comics stylevia Getty

According to a holiday’s definition, “I Forgot Day, by definition, is not a day to remember.” Elegantly stated! The definition continues: “Some people view today as an opportunity to express their regrets for forgetting something, and to make amends.” 

That doesn’t super jive with my YOLO mentality, so I decided to make a list of things I would like to forget on I Forgot Day. Enjoy.

  1. Otters are dolphin rapists
  2. That sickening crunch and shudder two cars make when they run into each other
  3. Global warming is going to wipe us all out in a bit
  4. The dick a strange man shoved against my window when he saw a girl and me kissing inside
  5. People who make comments like “Do you really think that?” over and over, then say they’re “just playing devil’s advocate,” because they do not yet fathom that YES, I do have opinions based on logic, buoyed by example, and am not actually an internet-dwelling intellectual lightweight. My family taught me that the only form of communication is vigorous debate, which has done nothing for my social life tbh.
  6. The feeling you when you REALLY HAVE TO PEE but the bathroom is far, and there’s an INSANE line, and you wonder if this will be the day you pee your pants.
  7. When you message a girl online, and she never responds, and then you see her in person and pretend not to recognize each other.
  8. That time I ate an edible and went to get my hair done and then, as I was leaving, lost the key to the garage so everyone there getting their hair done was trapped inside. They kept calling me and I had to drive back, hyperventilating, and drop off the key to a line of girl’s with their hair did staring at me like I was the stupidest person ever to walk the face of this planet.
  9. My teeth, which are fine but a little too small so only the bottom part of the front two show when I smile so my natural grin appears to be a terse grimace.
  10. That my girlfriend’s family thinks of me as an embarrassing phase but I’m going yachting with them for the Fourth of July anyway because it’s going to be catered.
  11. SPACE. Not personal space, which I adore, but OUTER SPACE. It gives me mental and physical vertigo. People freak out about space, but I actually consider it the worst, most terrifying concept and would prefer not to think about it. First off, it’s an infinite airless vortex that KILLS you upon contact. Second, it has no humor or dancing or songs or joy or anything, is just infinite uninhabitable freezing wastelands. Third, space reminds me that I do not matter, and my life and death are less than a blink in the grand scheme of things, and we’re all going to die and then space will still be there, being soulless.
  12. My Greek heritage, which provided me a soft but dense layer of fine, fair arm hair that my coworker likes to stroke and murmur to like it’s some sort of hamster.
  13. My mom and dad are going to die soonish, and it’s probably going to be alone.
  14. Self-help books, which I consider an epic scam to be addressed at a later rant. The original inspiration quote was “WORK WILL SET YOU FREE” and it was on the gates of Auschwitz, btw.
  15. The 1%. OFF WITH THEIR HEADS. Were I in revolutionary era France I would be all about that guillotine, that guillotine, that guillotine. Sung to the tune of “all about that bass.”

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