Dear AfterEllen,
I’ve been seeing this new girl for a bit over a month. Long story short it’s been a while since I’ve clicked on so many levels with a woman and that’s great, but she’s wanting to take it slow right now for a variety of reasons …. stress, still not over her abusive ex, etc. I want to be patient and supportive and wait for her to be ready to take thing to the next level, but I’ve been through such a dry spell that I’m super horny and need to get my needs met. Every kiss and hug leaves me aching for more. I’m not sure how much longer I can wait for sex. I don’t want to ruin the best thing to happen to me in awhile but I need it bad. Last night we talked about it and she says she’s still not ready and I got so upset. Talk me off the ledge?
-Horny AF
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Hey Horny AF,
Hit the gym.
Complain to a friend over a bottle of wine and a bad rom-com. Remember how shitty most people are — you have a genuine connection with her! That’s something to celebrate!
Eat something so spicy that it slams your taste buds with heat until you can’t think of anything other than how to cool your mouth the F down now.
Visit a strip club and tip the dancers well.
Pick up a new toy and some erotica from your local sex toy shop and spend a long night in bed, alone.
Engage in super flirty sexting with your new girl. Let her tell you everything she wants to do with you when she is ready.
Be as patient as you can be, or ….
See someone else!
It’s been a few weeks. This woman may be amazing and hot as hell but you need something she can’t give you right now, and you aren’t super willing to wait.
You don’t need to be exclusive with her. You don’t have to prove you’re worthy of her trust and sex by pretending you don’t have needs until she decides she is ready. You can continue to be a great potential girlfriend and totally attentive and a swoon-worthy kisser and give another woman your time and attention.
Take another woman home for the night, not as a human blow-up doll for your new fling, but as a fun, opted-into one night stand. See someone else casually — and if the casual date becomes something more, then great, you’ve got someone you’re maybe more compatible with.
Take another woman home for the night, not as a human blow-up doll for your new fling, but as a fun, opted-into one night stand. See someone else casually — and if the casual date becomes something more, then great, you’ve got someone you’re maybe more compatible with.
If you’ve already locked it down with this new girl, tell her how horny you are. She’ll probably be flattered. Then either ask for permission to back up the exclusivity until she is ready to be fully available — which is in her interest if she’s got so much going on that sex is the literal last thing she wants, because then you’ll relax about it — or tell her all the things you’re doing to meet those urges (masturbating, fantasizing, sexting, distracting yourself).
Gauge her reactions. If not anytime soon seems like it’s a code word for not anytime ever, or if sex is a goalpost that keeps receding in the distance, then she isn’t the right girl for you. Wish her well and move on!
