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Lesbianing With AE: Home for Thanksgiving, Feeling Like You’re Only Out Halfway

Dear AfterEllen,

I came out to my parents over the summer. They didn’t really handle it well and just seemed to ignore it for the rest of the summer. Like, no reaction when I mentioned going to the pride parade. I’m back at school and seeing someone now, and getting nervous thinking of being back at home on semester break and at Thanksgiving. I want to be able to be open at home the way I am at school but I’m second guessing what to say to people since my parents kind of pretended like it never happened. I feel like I’m only out halfway.

A few weeks can feel like forever when you’re going from the freedom to be yourself on campus to the pressure to hide a part of yourself at home, but you will make it through.

Your family can take the easy way or the hard way, but they will learn that this is who you are and it isn’t changing. If they want a relationship with you in your adulthood they will get over whatever negative emotions they’re dealing with and rise up to support you. If they can’t get over those things, then they won’t be able to have you in their lives-that’s really the choice and it’s one that few parents are going to make.

In a few years, your folks will probably be gifting your girlfriend holiday presents while you all mingle around the Christmas tree. Your way to that good place is through these hard times, and your job right now is to keep the faith that you are worthy of love, spend time with the people who support you unconditionally, and enjoy your lesbian relationship.

You could be presuming the worst from their silence when, in all reality, your coming out took them by surprise because they assumed you were straight, and they didn’t say anything in the moment because they really were stunned.

Even though your parents may be accepting of gay and lesbian rights generally, it may feel different to them to know their kid is gay. Yes, even in 2018. Or especially in 2018, considering the general Trumpian erasure of LGBT as a topic, much less a civil rights issue. Or the Supreme Court’s rightward tilt (seriously, who put the hit on RBG last week?) which could leave marriage rights open for reversal if you’re inclined to think apocalyptically.

Tangents aside, be straight with your parents, womp womp. Tell them that when Aunt Sally asks if you have a boyfriend, you want to tell her the truth, and the truth is….remind them….you date women, and in fact, you happen to be dating a woman right now!

If your parents were processing the initial news, they might engage differently this time around. Any more positive reaction (like asking about your girlfriend or what campus life is like for lesbian students) would be a win here.

If they are still closed down, then it sucks, but you have to take care of you. At least you know they’re uncomfortable before you come to Christmas wearing a rainbow kitten sweatshirt.

You get to decide whether you want to come out to extended family this holiday season (which could be unpleasant if your parents are a barometer), come out to high school friends if they don’t already know (they’re not likely to care so it could make you feel better) or cope best you can until you’re back at school.

Your extended relatives don’t need to know your business and if you’re not up for the awkward Christmas Eve convo then just lie.

There’s no right answer. If you think winter break would suck or you would worry about your wellbeing if there’s family drama, then keep your mouth shut, text with your girlfriend, and get out of the house (and around supportive pals) when you can. A few weeks can feel like forever when you’re going from the freedom to be yourself on campus to the pressure to hide a part of yourself at home, but you will make it through.

A few weeks can feel like forever when you’re going from the freedom to be yourself on campus to the pressure to hide a part of yourself at home, but you will make it through.

Your family can take the easy way or the hard way, but they will learn that this is who you are and it isn’t changing. If they want a relationship with you in your adulthood they will get over whatever negative emotions they’re dealing with and rise up to support you. If they can’t get over those things, then they won’t be able to have you in their lives-that’s really the choice and it’s one that few parents are going to make.

In a few years, your folks will probably be gifting your girlfriend holiday presents while you all mingle around the Christmas tree. Your way to that good place is through these hard times, and your job right now is to keep the faith that you are worthy of love, spend time with the people who support you unconditionally, and enjoy your lesbian relationship.

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Dear Halfway,

We’re in an age where some people’s parents bake them gay cakes to celebrate their coming out while other parents continue to kick their kids out of the house.

It sounds like you didn’t want cake and rainbow balloons, but the non-reaction you got (they can’t engage in conversation if gay themes come up) pricks you. You’re second guessing future comings-out to various relatives because you worry that might politely change the subject when you say that don’t have a boyfriend….because you’re a lesbian.

While it’s great that some parents are so supportive they go over the top with their acceptance, this also sets people like you up to feel crappy when they aren’t welcomed into the family with rainbow balloons. You’re not owed that incredible reaction by your parents or anyone else, and yes, even today, some people aren’t on board with the having-a-gay-kid thing immediately. They need time to get there-and expecting them to get there instantly isn’t fair.

If you’re in a mentally safe space to do it, consider chatting with your family again. You could be presuming the worst from their silence when, in all reality, your coming out took them by surprise because they assumed you were straight, and they didn’t say anything in the moment because they really were stunned.

You could be presuming the worst from their silence when, in all reality, your coming out took them by surprise because they assumed you were straight, and they didn’t say anything in the moment because they really were stunned.

Even though your parents may be accepting of gay and lesbian rights generally, it may feel different to them to know their kid is gay. Yes, even in 2018. Or especially in 2018, considering the general Trumpian erasure of LGBT as a topic, much less a civil rights issue. Or the Supreme Court’s rightward tilt (seriously, who put the hit on RBG last week?) which could leave marriage rights open for reversal if you’re inclined to think apocalyptically.

Tangents aside, be straight with your parents, womp womp. Tell them that when Aunt Sally asks if you have a boyfriend, you want to tell her the truth, and the truth is….remind them….you date women, and in fact, you happen to be dating a woman right now!

If your parents were processing the initial news, they might engage differently this time around. Any more positive reaction (like asking about your girlfriend or what campus life is like for lesbian students) would be a win here.

If they are still closed down, then it sucks, but you have to take care of you. At least you know they’re uncomfortable before you come to Christmas wearing a rainbow kitten sweatshirt.

You get to decide whether you want to come out to extended family this holiday season (which could be unpleasant if your parents are a barometer), come out to high school friends if they don’t already know (they’re not likely to care so it could make you feel better) or cope best you can until you’re back at school.

Your extended relatives don’t need to know your business and if you’re not up for the awkward Christmas Eve convo then just lie.

There’s no right answer. If you think winter break would suck or you would worry about your wellbeing if there’s family drama, then keep your mouth shut, text with your girlfriend, and get out of the house (and around supportive pals) when you can. A few weeks can feel like forever when you’re going from the freedom to be yourself on campus to the pressure to hide a part of yourself at home, but you will make it through.

A few weeks can feel like forever when you’re going from the freedom to be yourself on campus to the pressure to hide a part of yourself at home, but you will make it through.

Your family can take the easy way or the hard way, but they will learn that this is who you are and it isn’t changing. If they want a relationship with you in your adulthood they will get over whatever negative emotions they’re dealing with and rise up to support you. If they can’t get over those things, then they won’t be able to have you in their lives-that’s really the choice and it’s one that few parents are going to make.

In a few years, your folks will probably be gifting your girlfriend holiday presents while you all mingle around the Christmas tree. Your way to that good place is through these hard times, and your job right now is to keep the faith that you are worthy of love, spend time with the people who support you unconditionally, and enjoy your lesbian relationship.

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