This article was inspired by a conversation I had with editor Trish Bendix over brunch.
“Chloe, you need to write more for AfterEllen.”
“I’m out of ideas,” I reply, despondent.
“Write about lesbians who date straight girls. Someone needs to.”
“I get questions about straight girls all the time. Women email me pleading, ‘Chloe! Chloe! I need your help I must talk to you right away.'”
“Perfect, so you’ll write it?”
“Here’s the thing: I’ve written about straight girls. My opinions and suggestions are simple…”
“It’s not going to work, date a queer woman, cut your losses. I know it’s hard and heartbreaking but life is hard, and heartbreaking so deal. That’s why I don’t respond to any more emails. Because they know what to do, yet they keep asking the same questions, and do you know why? Because they want me to say ‘Actually, in your case, ignore that stuff. Stay with her; she’ll come around if you just wait long enough.’ Each one is convinced that their situation is special. But guess what? It’s not. You are not special.”
Trish laughs uneasily. “Well, there you go.”
“Alright, I’ll write about gay girls dating straight girls.”
“Hurrah!”
“But only if I can call it ‘You are not special.'”
And here we are.
Or six terrible reasons lesbians date straight women.
In 1924, George Mallory spoke the most famous words of his life. A reporter asked the eloquent mountaineer why, after two deadly failures, he would try to climb Mount Everest yet again. George Mallory responded:
“Because it’s there… and no man has reached its summit. Its existence is a challenge. The answer is instinctive, a part, I suppose, of man’s desire to conquer the universe.”
Substitute “man” for “woman” and you have a common reason lesbians pursue straight women: Because she is there, and no woman has even gotten her. Mallory disappeared in a few months later, on his way to that very summit. He was next seen in 1999 when climbers discovered his frozen body.
Something to keep in mind.
Playing hard to get is the oldest dating strategy in the book. Being hard to get is how Troy got sacked People are masochists. We put great stock in the forbidden, or hard to get. There’s a special kind of self-destructive, narcissism that seeks self-worth by nailing women who aren’t innately attracted to women. Bois, studs, anyone who has lingering feelings of inadequacy towards men; these are the misguided souls who get their rocks off by “flipping.” These women usually present themselves as cocky lotharios and treat women as potential arm candy, not equal partners. They talk a big game but rarely live up to their own high aspirations; usually because they’re too busy fronting to work hard.
Don’t want a girl but dying to get laid? Then straight girls are an understandable strategy. Straight women often enjoy fucking women because women are better in bed than 99% of the male population. We prioritize our partner’s pleasure, last a long ass time, and know how to give that good head. Multiple orgasms on the regular are heady motivation for even the most hetero lady. By dating a straight girl, you guarantee a sex-fueled relationship with no long term potential.
For a lesbian in Nowhere, Montana, there’s probably slim pickings. We’re only human, and in a place with no desirable gay options, gay life can get real lonely real quick. Bois and butches turn to flipping in rural parts because they see no other option. For feminine lesbians whose gender presentation isn’t masculine enough to entice the true straight girl, this is extra frustrating. I don’t have a scathing dismissal for this group of lesbians because I have too much empathy. I’m from the South. I get what it means to be gay, lonely, and truly alone. It gets better. Don’t let heartbreak break you. You are worthy of real love with someone who is attracted to you for all the right reasons. Hold out for that, ok?
Sexuality is fluid… For some people. Bisexual and pansexual women do experience equal attraction to all genders and actively pursue relationships with men and women. That’s marvelous. Good for them. We all pay great lip service to the Kinsey scale, but the harsh truth is that most people pursue romantic relationships with one gender. In fact, I’ve noticed the people paying most lip service to the Kinsey scale are
- bisexual or pansexual
- straight but trying to sound like they get it
- dating a straight girl
Just because a straight girl enjoys having sex with you doesn’t mean she’s a realistic girlfriend. Romantic feelings are very different than sexual gratification. Women tend to get the two mixed up, but if you’re going to dip a toe in the straight girl pool, you better have a solid grasp on that terribly important distinction. Otherwise, you’re submitting to delusion and setting yourself up for disappointment.
I’ve written about lesbophobia before, but focused more on lesbophobia from heterosexual men than the internalized lesbophobia gay women often experience. Basically, I believe that women who almost solely pursue straight women do so because they believe straight women are better than gay women. They excuse this by saying that lesbian or bisexual women just aren’t hot enough, or they don’t experience a connection, or we’re crazy, catty, did I mention not hot enough? This is bullshit. When a lesbian says she doesn’t like lesbians, it means she doesn’t like herself. When a girl tells me that she doesn’t like other girls because they’re all stupid, boring, bitches, I can safely assume that girl is a stupid, boring, bitch. On behalf of the lesbian community, I would like to say “Bye Felicia” to this lot until they get over their shit and stop putting it on us.
In summary: stop dating straight girls. You know better. Stop lying to yourself, and to the lesbian community, because we don’t buy it. We see you. We see her. We know. If you read this, think “but I am special” and continue to date a straight girl: good luck. I really mean that. Other people’s pain gives me no pleasure. I hate scary movies.
When a straight girl does break your heart, know that your pain is not special or unique. This should be a great comfort to you. It’s how you know you’ll get over her. Because everybody does.
