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The Hook Up: Should I Tell My Co-Worker I Am Crushing On Her?

I have had a crush on my coworker for a few months now. It’s not a big office, so we interact every day and the sexual tension is palpable. She has, however, never dated a woman before (to my knowledge) and coupling that with the fact that we work together, it’s probably a bad idea to tell her how I feel, right? I am quite sure she feels something for me, but then again, I could be wrong. What’s your take?-Office Crush

Dear OC,

You should probably not confess your feelings for this gal, due to the double whammy of her being entirely straight (to your knowledge) and how much it would suck if you did date and it didn’t work out and then your place of employment became a source of stress on top of everything else and all you want to do is sob quietly into your leftover quinoa.

This isn’t to dismiss your sexual tension or feelz, but it’s hard enough to date a woman who has never dated another woman before (and maybe doesn’t like women at all. It’s unclear what signs she might be giving you to the contrary). It’s super crazy hard to date someone you work with on top of all those other things.

It’s understandable that you might develop feelings for someone you see every day at work (same reason why we fall for roommates) and who probably does flirt with you somewhat, but there are also SO MANY other people in the world who, if the relationship ended, wouldn’t significantly impact your day-to-day life. Or, you know, your paycheck. I urge you to choose one of those people, OC.

Or, at the very least, wait for a much clearer sign she’s into women, specifically you. Tension alone won’t cut it. I’m talking about a verbal or written or face-mashing declaration.

Good luck.

illlustration by Natasha Miren Terbraak

We dated for six months. I ended it last week. Am I allowed to check up on her? She was really torn by our breakup and I am too, but I’m trying to be respectful of her space and needs. Is it OK for me to send a text asking how she is?-Concerned Ex

Dear CE,

Don’t text her. Let her grieve. And let yourself move on. You wanting to text her is less about concern for her and more about concern for yourself. You feel guilty about ending the relationship, and you shouldn’t. You gave it a go and it didn’t work out. If she asked you for space, you should respect that. It’s not up to you to take care of her feelings. She’ll come to you when she’s ready. In the meantime, you do you. She’ll be OK.

I had a dream about a straight female friend I haven’t seen in years.The dream itself was fairly innocuous, one kiss, but man, that kiss was gooood-and now I find myself thinking of her that way. Is this common? To have a sex dream turn into a crush IRL? Should I fear for my subconscious desires? She doesn’t live anywhere near me, so I can’t act on it, not that I would. Mostly I’m wondering if this is “normal.”-Dream Girl

Dear DG,

It’s perfectly normal to dream about people you know. And erotic dreams don’t necessarily mean you actually want to be erotic with that person. But it’s hard to say because only you, the dreamer, can interpret your dream. It’s possible that subconsciously, this old friend might have sex or relationship qualities you enjoy or are currently seeking in your life. It could mean you might have some old feelings for her you haven’t yet explored. Or it might be a totally random bit of nonsense. Maybe you saw her photo on Facebook that day and your brain stored it as relevant info, which later showed up in a dream.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it, either way. It sounds like you’re in no place to act on your crush, so give yourself a break and enjoy the erotic mental imagery. You might also ask yourself how the dream made you feel. If you feel like there’s more to the dream than some good lip-locking, you can always ask yourself what other aspects of the dream might be reflections of your life. Journal that shit! It’s fun. Tedious self-reflection FTW.

I met a girl on Her and we went out a few times, but I didn’t really feel much of a spark. After our third date, I stopped responding to her texts. Since then, she’s been leaving aggro posts on my Facebook wall every few days. Should I ignore her, or is this something I should confront her about?-Go Away Please

Dear GAP,

Ignoring her is how this situation escalated to begin with, so I wouldn’t keep on doing nothing. Egg up and tell her you’re sorry you vanished, but that you just weren’t feeling that connection. That will most likely put a stop to the passive-aggressive social media posts. If it doesn’t, however, feel free to mute or block her. If this kind of behavior is common for her, you probably don’t want her around anyway, even as a passing acquaintance who shares delightful videos about interspecies animal friendships.

Good riddance and next time give a girl the cordial breakup text she deserves.

Anna is a freelance writer in Oakland. Get overly personal emails and haiku from her at tinyletter.com/annapulley. Or Twitter @annapulley. Send her your Hook Up questions at [email protected].

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