Lesbianing with AE! This Week: How to Talk About Sex & Making the First Move When You’re Shy

Today on Lesbianing with AE! writer Lindsey Danis helps you get better at talking about sex and asking ladies out.

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What advice do you have for a shy soft butch on making the first move? I’m slightly masculine of center, 25, and new to the scene after a long coming out process. I feel like femmes expect me to ask them out or make the first move, but I don’t know what to do or even when to do it.

-Shy

Asking a girl out is the kind of thing that does get easier with practice… but it still scary for a lot of lesbians!

There are a lot of different ways you can let a girl know you’re interested in her. The right way really depends on the particular lady you want to get to know, your relationship to her, and where you are. Trying to buy a woman a drink at the lesbian club is much different from trying to ask out that hot barista (though probably you just shouldn’t…they get hit on all the time) or get the number of that cute new player on your rugby team.

Conversation is the key to getting to know someone better, and talking to a cute girl is really no different from talking to your coworker/best friend/cat. If you already have some sort of relationship with this woman, even if she’s just the chick who makes your matcha lattes, start here.

Send subtle cues while you’re chatting that signal that you’re not just interested in her awesome taste in music, but in her. Eye contact is key here. Look at her, then look away. Don’t ogle her boobs. Smile or otherwise look interested/engaged. Ask follow-up questions.

If you aren’t sure if she’s gay, the right conversation can help you figure it out. Bring up some queer things and see how she reacts to them. If you mention your love of Tegan and Sara and she throws down with a story about road tripping to see them perform, she’s probably on your team. If you mention Tegan and Sara (or The Fosters or Pride weekend) and she has no reaction, she’s probably one of those gaydar-busting straight girls.

If you aren’t sure if she’s gay, the right conversation can help you figure it out. Bring up some queer things and see how she reacts to them. If you mention your love of Tegan and Sara and she throws down with a story about road tripping to see them perform, she’s probably on your team. If you mention Tegan and Sara (or The Fosters or Pride weekend) and she has no reaction, she’s probably one of those gaydar-busting straight girls.

If you’re in the club, ask her to dance or offer to buy her a drink. Some women will gladly accept your drinks with zero intention of giving you their number, but it’s a proven way to demonstrate your interest. If you offer to get her a beer, SHE’LL KNOW that you’re interested and then you can get to talking.

Let’s say you’ve established a basic conversation and either know she’s gay or have reason to believe (like your mutual love of Tegan and Sara). Up your flirting here by finding little ways to touch her. Touch majorly telegraphs interest. It also gives her another chance to respond in kind and saves you from making a move that’s unwelcome. If she starts backing up and finds a fast exit from the conversation, she either isn’t interested or she’s taken. If she touches you back, makes extended eye contact, or seems comfortable, you have a green light to move ahead.

At this point you can seal the deal by asking for her number/email/twitter handle or straight-up asking her out. It’s best if you have something specific in mind, whether it’s going to see a movie you’re excited about, going to an LGBT event, or going for a hike. “Do you want to hang out sometime?” is pretty vague and puts the onus on you to come up with a time and place and basically ask her out again. “Do you want to go an the open mic night with me next Thursday?” is a clear-cut invite that she can say yes or no to.

If she says yes, congratulate yourself. You made the first move and she accepted. If she says no, it doesn’t necessarily mean no forever. Her response should help you figure out if no means “No, I don’t want to hang out with you” or “No, next Thursday I have book club, but I’d love to go another time.”

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I want to get better at talking about sex with my girlfriend. My former girlfriend and I weren’t too adventurous when we were together, and our sex life got kind of monotonous toward the end. It was part of the reason we broke up. Now I am in a new relationship with someone who I am super attracted to and she seems much more open about sex. The sex we have is so far really good, but I want to try new things (like learning to squirt). I’m not sure how to really talk about these things with her without getting embarrassed! Do you have any suggestions?

-Blushing Baby Dyke

Hey BBD,

Talking about sex can be difficult no matter what your previous experience is. But we can only start where we are and grow from there so…

It’s great that you have some ideas that you want to explore and a partner with whom you feel empowered to explore these things. It sounds like you’re sure what you want to do and just want help with a framework for talking about it, but if you’re still feeling you way around your desires, What You Really Really Want can help you unpack your turn-ons in a sex-positive way.

Since talking about sex is tricky it might be good to give your girl a heads up. This way you can come up with a time and space to discuss it rather than spring it on her during Friday night date night when she’s maybe had a zany week. Send her a text or mention in person that you’d love to talk about your sex life.

You can have this talk pretty much anytime or anywhere that works for you both, except after you’ve just had sex. Talking about sex after you’ve done it is basically the worst, because it sends the message that what you just did wasn’t hot enough/good enough/maybe you faked it and what you really want is this total other thing that also you could have communicated in the moment but didn’t.

Then think about what you want to say. Since talking about sex is hard for most people, it can be tempting to feel like you have to get all your kinks, desires, turn-ons, and past experiences into one epic sex convo. But you don’t! What you want and your attitudes toward sex evolve, so think of this as the beginning of a fun, long-term conversation. Rather than talk about all the hot sex you want to have together and dilute your message, take something specific and achievable (like your squirting fantasy) and practice what you want to say before you say it to her.

Since talking about sex is hard for most people, it can be tempting to feel like you have to get all your kinks, desires, turn-ons, and past experiences into one epic sex convo. But you don’t! What you want and your attitudes toward sex evolve, so think of this as the beginning of a fun, long-term conversation. Rather than talk about all the hot sex you want to have together and dilute your message, take something specific and achievable (like your squirting fantasy) and practice what you want to say before you say it to her.

With scary things, I either like to write down what I want to say (I’m a writer, so I’m much better at writing my feelings than talking about them) or look in the mirror and practice my talking points out loud. If this sounds scary, that’s good! If you can’t look at your reflection in the mirror and say the word orgasm, how are you going to say it to your partner? If you’re really nervous, it can help to have a glass of wine before (or during) you talk about your sex life – but a glass, not a bottle, okay?

Once you roll out something like the squirting thing, you two can talk about it and maybe even plan for it. There are all sorts of free educational resources that can help you out with this one. For other things on your bucket list, maybe you’ll need to visit the sex toy store or shop online, venture outdoors for some hot public sex, up your sexting game, or invest in props. You tell me – actually, you tell her.

You got this.

Images Lindsey writes about lesbian drama, relationships, and LGBTQ culture. Keep up with her at @wordhack, or send a sex advice question to [email protected] and write “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.